2009: new year resolution

no more SNOOZE button

The snooze button symbolizes uncertainty. Should I get out of bed and start my day, or should I sleep 5 more minutes? Using the snooze button when waking up, starts your day with passive behaviour and half assing it. I am taking the bull by the horns in 2009. No snooze button. Either I get out of bed or I don't.

Highlights of 2008

Chronolgical order from beginning of 2008 to end

January
- Shot Captain Coulier from Jan. 5-10 2008.

- Pitched Greenwillow, tv series idea, to an entertainment lawyer, who loves it and immediately gets us a meeting with CBC. Lawyer becomes, and still is, my lawyer.

- Finally get a job @ a prestigious tennis club in Toronto. Argueably the best tennis job I could get in Canada, with great boss and fellow staff.

- Move to the city into a great area and a beautiful townhouse.

February
- Nail a pitch meeting with CBC securing a development deal on 'Greenwillow' sitcom. Meet with head producer and creator of 'Billable Hours' to help us write Greenwillow. He agrees.

- Meet a girl (won't name names) and had a very romantic encounter. The most serious relationship of the year. Was on and off for 5 months, but wasn't meant to be.

-Visited Las Vegas first time.

March
-nothing but writing and partying

April
-writing, editing, partying...

May
-BravoFact submission for short concept film 'Shirtgun Guy' script is approved for a maximum grant.

-Screen 'Captain Coulier' to a very welcoming audience at Ryerson. Film chosen for the student spotlight.

-Visit London England and have an amazing time with Slyblogger and the likes.

-Greenwillow picks up Kevin Tierney(Bon Cop Bad Cop) as producer. The wisdom from him was huge for me. CBC fires our writing partner who basically helped us get the deal. (fishy)

June
-Meeting with head of programming at CTV/Space regarding Captain Coulier the TV show. They commit to it in the meeting. Development deal inked.

July
-Become friends with Temple Street Productions, who want to produce Coulier if it goes through. Biggest producers in the country.

-Shoot Greenwillow presentation pilot after CBC fires our head writer, claiming they 'don't like his style'.

August
-Get an agent.

- Greenwillow presentation pilot is rejected by CBC and our contract is bought out.

September
-Shoot Shirtgun Guy. Have the best time of my life on set.

October and November
-Go 6 weeks completely sober. Start a blog.

-Finish pilot script on Captain Coulier, and CTV likes it!

-Graduate from Second City conservatory with a great year end show. Make friendships with some amazing people. And great wisdom again from a solid director.

December
-Captain Coulier gets into Sundance. (highlight of the year)

-Shirtgun Guy completed and accepted by Bravo network. Screening goes great. Submit to major festivals, and awaiting acceptance...

-Off to Mexico for New Year 2008.

Honourable mentionables of the year
mullet hairstyle- have a period with a full on mullet.
French girls. Seemed to meet an absurd amount of girls 'just visiting' Toronto for the night from Montreal.
Kareoke- first time in 2008
yoga - huge phase.
car (spent 4 gs to fix it up)
Tony Pontes. my skit writing friend and great guy to have developed a friendship with. Stealing all his jokes.
Geoff Callaghan. Another great friend, and fellow tourmented artist.


2008 what I learned about myself

I batted 1000 with pitching ideas for movies and television shows to network people. Therefore, if you have an idea, I'll pitch it for you and it will get picked up. Even if it's stupid. I need to hone this skill somehow in 2009.

goals for 2009
-make Coulier the television show and get it on tv.

-make 'passive doc' the newest project. Make it as a Bravo short documentary to be eventually used as a presentation pilot to make it into a featured documentary.

-find an actual girlfriend. I think it is time.

-move to USA by September 2009. New York or LA, or anywhere in California.

-collaborate more with other actors and writers.

Overall letter grades for the year 2008
Work related stuff: A+
Love related stuff: C-
Treating others: B

hanging out with comedians

I spent the majority of 2009 hanging out with comedians. Improvisers, skit comedians, and comedic commerical actors in the Toronto area, many of who are associated with Second City. It was a very fun year, as many of these people are great companions and 'always down for whatever'. Not a lot of sex; with them that is. Sex with others, but not with comedy folk. We often found ourselves hitting kareoke nights or attending skit comedy shows, or just congregating on couches laughing and discussing comedy. I found myself very tired hanging out with these people. Until last week I always blamed my fatigue on the kareoke or lack of sexual prowl I would have when in comedy company. But I realized last week why I was always so tired when hanging out with a concentrated group of funny people. Here is my ephiaphy in script form that my buddy Jay helped me have.

Conor wanders the liqour store. He appears fresh and excited before a night of Christmas joy. He talks into his cell phone.

Conor: Jay, what's up man?

Jay: Conor.

Conor: Jay, yo, I'm going to a party at Sandra Sneaker's house tonight. Are you going to that.

Jay: Didn't know about it. Second City Sandra. As in Sandra and Frank?

Conor: Yeah, they are having a party. It was an open event, you can come for sure. I said I would go. Come check it out with me.

Jay: Ummm..

Conor: Come on man, I haven't seen you in so long.

Jay: Ya, I definetly want to see you man, but, to be honest I don't know if I can handle a comedy party right now. Everyone just standing around trying to be 'smart funny' and like not getting to out of hand because they want to appear smart.

Conor: (realizing and laughing) Yeah, you're right that is how it will be isn't it...?

Jay: yeah, and Sandra is in her mid to late 30's so everyone will just gather in the kitchen and, like, help do the dishes the whole night while making sophisticated ironic remarks. But like not laughing, becuase they are too busy trying to plan what they'll say next.

Conor: (laughing) Jesus, that's to a T exactly how her last party was.

Jay: You know.

Conor: It's true I want to go to a party where some shits gonna go down.

Jay: Sluts, drugs, fights.

Conor: Yeah. Shit I wish I didn't commit to it.

Jay: Well, who knows. Call me late if it sucks, and I'll call you if my plans fall through and we'll meet up late. Kind of like a plutonic booty call.

Conor: (laughs) Fu Sho. Peace brother.

Jay: Peace.

Conor grabs a six of Pab's Blue Ribbon and a Canada Dry Mickey.


I am always tired after these parties because of the mental alertness and energy exorted on trying to be clever and witty. It is less tiring to go out partying with sluts, drugs, and fights, then it is with irony, wit, and puns.

Party mode

I am in holiday mode currently. This means I am taking a break from "Sober Conor". I am cranky, bloated and lazy. I can't even think of any good ideas. Actually, when I think of something I am interested in it for two minutes, but then bored of it instantly. I just want to eat junk food, smoke grass, and watch tv. And get laid of course.

The other day I was in yoga and someone let one rip. I don' know this because of the smell, I know because of the sound. a huge fart, and dead silence. No one did anything, but of course it was assumed that it had to be one of the guys in the class. since Yoga is so female dominated, it is implied that all the bad odours, sounds and intentions are derived from the males. Or at least they can be disguised as such.

I am offically calling Xmas 'Red,White and Green day'!.

I was at a film screening yesterday for SUPER creative little short art films. Everyone there was so creative, or dressed creatively. It is hard to tell the difference between a creative person or someone who dresses well. Needless to say, I looked like a jock at this party. Rather than laughing or clapping the crowd where such that they just mumbled silently after a film. If it was really good you could hear whispery rumbles of "that was smart, creative, smart, smart, smart, creative,rumble rumble,"

INT. FILM FORT - night

Conor hangs around drinking a beer in a fort like studio loft. The walls are covered in bed sheets and pillows, as to resemble a fort. Conor looks at art pieces and short films on monitores. Super extreme hipster art folk strut by giving him cut eye. He approaches a hipster girl.

Conor: Some pretty creative stuff going on here.

Mona: Yeah. It's a wild spot.

Conor: (smiling) I used to build forts when I was a kid, but never this good.

Mona: yeh, I've heard that before.

Conor: Oh, this is your place?

Mona: No, but I screen my stuff here a bunch.

Conor: One of these movies is yours?

Mona: The super 8 doc. On taxadermy.

Conor: Oh, the one that was all like paused, still frams, with the dude talking over it, that was cool to watch. Was that just all photographs and you added the interview over?

Mona: I was going to just do it like a normal interview with the actually footage, but it got all messed up in the transfer. I salvaged all the sound but only a few frames so I had to put it together like that. But I think it was a blessing in disguise, ya know. I felt it was fitting, since taxadermy is about still life. Subconcious ya know.

Conor: Way over my head.

Mona: laughs

Behind Conor a super hipster boy, with moustache and glasses, approaches.

Conor: So, Mona. What is your favorite colour of underwear?

The hipster boy hears this and interupts the conversation.

Hipster: Mona, ready to go?

Mona: Yeah. (to Conor) bye, nice meeting you.

Mona gets up to leave. The hipster and Conor engage in a hardcore stare down.

Conor: Ok, great meeting you.

Conor stands still like a 'stuffed loser'. He stretches his shoulder like a jock.





When people look back at the year 2000-10 and wonder what defines it they will think of pomegrante, because it does.

Red and Green Day

Interior bookstore

Conor looks at calendars. He finds one that has pictures of cats. A book attendant approaches.

Garth: That's a 2009.

Conor: Oh really. I am looking for a 2008, something on sale perhaps.

Garth doesn't get it.

Garth: Umm. We don't sell --

Conor: I'm kidding. Jokes.

Garth: (laughs) oh, cause I was going to say. That's jokes.

Conor: I guess it was my delivery. I need to work on that.

Garth: No it was good, I'm just in Christmas mode. Sell, sell!!

Conor: You mean 'holiday season' mode.

Garth: Right (laughs). Hannukah!!

Conor: Yeah. And Christmas and new years, quanza. Holiday's of all sorts. How old are you Garth, 20?

Garth: 16.

Conor: When I was your age we were allowed to say Christmas.

Garth: yeah eh.

Conor: yep.

Conor puts the calendar back.

Garth: Let me know if you find anything you need help with.

Conor: Word.

Garth walks off.

Party theme of the week

Rollerblade party: everyone wears their Rollerblades. and we play 1993 dance mix.

All guests to wear baggy jeans.

Coming soon

The anti excuse

Just a simple yes or no will do and has always done! If you are backing out of something and provide a lengthy excuse as to why you can't make it, you're lying. Like for example giving a moody list of all the events you're going to do instead of showing up for the event you were invited to. As a tennis coach I get emails the size of my arm explaining why 'so and so' won't make it to my clinic today because (insert Shakespearean silliqoue (can't spell this word and spell check doesn't get me) here)

So here is the anti-excuse- send some one a huge email WHY you're going to show up!!!!!!!!! not some bull reason why 'as much as you want to be there you have (insert Charles Dickens description of event you have to attend)

Dear Party attendants:
Tonight Erin and Nick have their shows!! As much as I want to go, and I really do, my friend Phillip Wearbrother, he's in veterinarian school, is having his annual holiday's party. I told him earlier this year that I might not come if something else came up because he put me on the 'maybe' list. Also he asked me to prepare my holiday soup, and of course I had very little time to prepare it because of the weak perennial season of butternut squash this 2008. Damn, I want so badly to attend both, but of course Phillip Wearbrother would be so heart broken if I didn't come bearing my squash soup and a good amount of mugs. He likes when I hand out my soup in mugs rather than bowls. This gives people the option to sip on the soup, or to use a spoon in the sizely mugs. Sipping from a bowl is weird, but spooning from a cup, not so much, right. So it is with this information that I have to say as much as I want to go to your show tonight...........I am going to come. Fuck squash soup.Conor


I wrote this freestyle( don't think this shit occupies my time because this is how I think)

Captain Coulier's blog :Key party

I just got back from a key party. Actually I got kicked out. I had no clue that key party-goers where so serious about the rules. The rules to a key party, as far as I'm concerned, are simple; Men bring their keys and a date (female). Upon arrival men drop their keys in 'the jar' and as the night unfolds whenever a women wants to leave she grabs a pair of keys. Whomever the key belong to takes the woman home. Therefore, every man comes with a date but doesn't necessarily go home with that date. Tonight, I brought a date (she was a 6), who I really had no interest in sleeping with, so it was no hair off my back either way. The party started fun and, of course, I did a quick count to make sure every one was garanteed a date home. To my disbelief there was an odd number! Panic consumed my body as I imagined going home alone. As the night got deeper and the anticipation grew, I saw many of the sexier women leaving with guys I didn't even know. Was I going to go home empty handed to my empty hand? Not on my watch. Being the detective I am, I noticed a similarity in all the keys that belonged to these geeks; no key chains! My key set had a stress ball key chain. A rather big one. I contemplated whether or not woman interpreted this stress ball as a sexually frustrated stress ball and they didn't choose it because they figured I didn't get any and thus was resorting to a key social to get laid. But remembered that they can't read minds. However, I soon realized my problem. Gravity! The stressball is heavy, and just by gravity the key chain had moved its way to the bottom of the jar as the clock ticked. I was going to go home alone if I didn't move those keys to the top of the jar. I had to move quick and unsespected. I didn't want people to think I was manipulating the keys. After we toasted to life and liberty everyone decided to skinny dip in the pool. This was a perfect opportunity. I snuck inside and fished down into the jar quickly slipping the stress ball off. It was at this instance that the bomb shell Jennifer Malaway and her friend Maria came to grab a set of keys. Jennifer was freshly toweled off and obviously too horny to hang around the party. I quickly removed my hand. I had slipped the key chain off of my keys but didn't have the chance to remove it from the jar. My key-chain-less keys sat on the top of the pile and my stress ball at the bottom. Nevertheless, I perched up by the door like a dog ready for a walk as Jennifer reached her hand into the jar. Low and behold she grabbed my keys! She rattled them to the party. There was a silence through out the party as no one recognized the keys. So as not to look to eager, I glanced over saw the keys and remarked, "Oh those are mine, I guess". Jennifer smiled at me as I grabbed my jacket and opened the front door ready to take her home for some keyless entry. But of course just as we were leaving Jennifer's goofy friend Maria puts her hand in the jar and grabs the stress ball. Again silence fell over the crowd, but this time it landed on me. What was I to do? I acted as if it wasn't mine, and merged my silence with the parties silence, until the host entered the room.
"That's Coulier's stress ball".
At this point it was as if the party morphed into one big silent eyeball and rolled towards me like the bolder in Indiana Jones.
"Ummm...yeah that's mine, I guess it fell off in the jar.". Of course no one believed this.
"Did you bring two sets of keys to a key party Coulier?" She asked me slooowwwlly.
"No"
The party didn't even budge. They just waited for my explanation. Assholes.
"The damn key chain was weighing down my keys, and I was worried that I wasn't going to get picked so I took the key chain off, and was going to take it out of the jar, so that I would only have one set in there, but she came towards me and I got nervous becuase I didn't want to look like I was tampering with the keys, so I left it in. I was going to take it out."
The eye bolder flatted me.
"I would never cheat at a key party! Come on! there's only 23 people here anyway give me a break! "
No sympathy. Jennifer just opened the door for me and pointed to leave. Alone.

I left the party and drove home. I guess I have to be somewhat positive. I did learn a lesson. The next time I go to a key party, I will leave my key chain at home. Mind you this will be a lot easier now considering I forgot it at the party. And I need that stress ball now more than ever.

Facebook 10 notes

1. Pending time: Making someone 'pend' is a form of wielding power on facebook. Control of time is power, and when you have a potential friend in facebook limbo (pending) you own them. It is always good for your confidence to let them pend a little before adding them. Keep them honest, I suppose.
2. Adding friends: If someone adds you rather than you adding them, you have the upper hand. Are you an added or an acceptor?
3. detagging a photo- de-tagging a photo because you don't like the way you look in it, is a way of escaping your past. You can run but you can't hide.
4. Deleting facebook: technological suicide. We have all contemplated it. It's a statement. If you delete facebook, you're saying, I can't focus with this damn thing in my life. Deleting facebook is actually counter intuitive, because you're saying you can't exist at peace with it, so you have to kill yourself(metaphorically).
5. Profile pictures: This is the newest 'ultimate form of self-expression'. You've got one picture to represent you; make it a good one. Common ones: celebrities that the person resembles, glamour shots*, dogs, blue steel, favorite TV character, group pics with bff all drinking.
6. *glamour shot profile pics: These are generally lame. As much as I want to put mine as my profile pic, because I look good in it, I can't. you're basically saying; "Look! I am good looking if you airbrush, photoshop and light me perfectly".
7. Drinking: Facebook reassures us that as a society we have to constantly remind ourselves that we are cool. Cool equals partying. We drink, we hang out with people that are better looking than us, and we take pictures of cool funny things. Our pictures represent who we want to be. for example; having a profile picture of yourself at the playboy mansion could get you laid by a girl who was seen your profile.
8. creeping: Everyone has one or two people that they never talk to who's wall they check weekly. This is creeping. It's OK. If anything it's the healthiest part of facebook because it allows people to see the people they actually want to see.
9. event walls: People insist on writing excuses as to why they cannot make the event on the event wall. This in turn starts a snowball effect of people backing out of the event because they don't want to go if they see that other people aren't going. Never try to organize a respectable event over facebook.
10. Groups: just ignore them rather than decline.

Please confirm that you read this

You didn't confirm my confirmation email so I wasn't sure if we were confirmed or not. You didn't get my email? that's strange my sent box says it went through...I guess from now on we should confirm all emails... but then how would we ever end a string of emails.?

Do you have this problem? Like in this example below.

Dramatisation of a possible text message conversation between two people.

Shelly: Greg do you want to hang out this week? I'm free Friday night after 6.

reply text from Greg: Done.

Friday night comes and they don't hang out because they have made other plans. Who's fault is it? Or can both people claim that although plans were made and agreed upon, an actual confirmation 'string' wasn't sent. Thus, where these plans were made they weren't really made. Sounds confusing, but happens all the time. Here is an example of the same text conversation, but confirmed.

Shelly: Greg do you want to hang out this week? I'm free Friday after 6pm.

Greg: Done.

Shelly: Tty Friday @ 6. Please confirm.

Greg: Cnfmd, ttyl.

Shelly: K

Greg: K

This is a string of emails that have been confirmed so much that both parties have to be available to hang on Friday. Also this is an example of the 'K' Factor. The only way to really end a string of emails and texts!!! So what is it exactly?

K Factor: the final email/text in any string of emails or texts. Texting the letter 'K' is a way of bookending your text message conversation by confirming that it did just happen and that you are done typing. It means 'OK': but also means, confirmed, we're done here, I have to go, fine!, I understand. K factor is completely sufficient because it is simply one letter, thus making it easy for the texter to confirm.

*It is also a way of showing others that you are better than them (in some cases).

Caveat: enjoy using the K factor but beware. In some cases the K factor is passive aggressive behaviour. It can mean " Go away", "I'm too busy to text you", "Okay...?(like the weirded out California version).

BEWARE! At anytime in a text string, if someone drops a "K factor" the conversation is dead. replying to a K factor with a full text or email, starts a whole new string of emails, and thus if not confirmed with the K factor didn't happen. Example

Same conversation from above...

Shelly: K

Greg: K

Shelly: oh yeah bring cheese.

(no reply from Greg)


Greg has a valid excuse not to bring cheese when they hang out.



K FACTOR

Mullet politics: complete dis concern for self-awareness

Everyone knows what side of the fence they are on in regards to the mullet. People can't make up their minds over the littlest things in this world, but everyone knows where they stand on mullets and are quiet happy to discuss. Just bringing up the word mullet can get complete strangers to interact and bond. People are either angry because they thought the mullet was buried; I guess it died around 1990? Or they are passionate about it and accept it.

Now, are we, in the year 2008 supposed to believe that people in the 80's, were not aware of the fact that they had mullets? That they didn't know any better, and weren't evolved enough to realize that the mullet looks bad? This is such year 2000 thinking and it blows. We are in a decade of self awareness. The decade to freak out about how you look, how you're represented and how many friends you have online. The decade of technological conformity and professional lying. A decade where "I would love to hang out more" means "go away". The 1980's was a decade of style, fast times, romantic electro 1st wave, acid wash, Slurpee's, burgers, sun glasses, OP, hyper colour, fluorescent ( I think I even had a fluorescent white hat), excellent adventures, earrings, rolled up sleeves, and Annie Lennox. To me it seems that the questions isn't whether the 1980's were aware of what they were doing. They weren't aware, they were too busy being rad. This is the coolest thing. Complete dis concern for self-awareness.

Mullet synonymous with 'low life' - Everyone has an opinion on the mullet, because everyone thinks they are better than the mullet. First, it is a word that sounds ridiculous, and thus people with no sense of humour that are trying to be funny can always resort to it for a laugh. "Mullet!" Laughs. Also it has been affiliated with some of the grimiest stuff over the years leading to murder by association. However, when people call me "Duran, Duran" I can't help but take this as a compliment.

(I've just bee inspired to write a whole separate blog - how to take insults as compliments)

Self aware. In the year 2008 if you have a moustache or a mullet you have to constantly be pointing at it and smiling so people know you're not being 'serious'.

Male plutonic booty call

Male platonic booty call: When 2 buddies make plans with the intention to compare parties late into the night and then meet up at whoever's party is better.

Women are the best: Daily

There is nothing better than a beautiful woman who is a few inches taller than you. It makes you feel like you have a lot of work to do and that you've got more to discover.

Script developed from overhearing a conversation on racism.

Dillon: Look at this picture (Dillon shows Luke a picture, on facebook, of a white person with his face painted brown in a picture posing on Halloween) so fucking racist.

Luke: I don't necessarily think it's racist man. That guy is an idiot though.

Dillon: Are you kidding, look at his face! You don't think it's racist that this guy sloppily painted his face brown and then went to a party like that?

Luke: Guy's a knob, but, what, because he didn't put pride into his face painting he's a racist?

Dillon: Are you kidding? He looks like Mr. Hanky from South park.

Luke: It's all dependant of how you portray yourself when you're dressed like that. Knowing that guy he probably was seen as an idiot, but some people could pull it off and not be seen as racist.

Dillon: I don't know about that. If Will Ferrell dressed like that on Saturday night live he'd destroy his career.

Luke: Maybe. Maybe not, depends on how he does it. He'd probably be hilarious.

Dillon: No way. Bottom line is this guy would get his ass kicked if a black guy saw him like that.

Luke: you're being racist right now suggesting that black people would react violently.

Dillon: what? Any race would be offended. He's painted brown! and wearing a piece of shit Afro wig! I'm offended!

Luke: Bottom line is it doesn't matter how racist you think it is, it only matters if black people think it's bad. Approach a black person at the bar tonight and ask them if they think it is offensive for a white person to paint there face black.

Dillon: You mean cheap brown colour.

Luke: fine.

Dillon: (thinks about it) No fucking way.

Luke: racist.

Getting numbers: SCENES

Yesterday I got a beautiful girl's number. Oh, before I go on remember Cait the waitress @ Jack Astor's? She gave me a fake number. This got me wondering about the politics of giving out your number. There is the classic

The double-ask phone number technique (under the surface dramatisation)

@ Jack Astor's bar, Conor has a conversation with beautiful Georgia who appears slightly distracted and impatient. Finally she begins to walk away...Conor pulls out his cell phone.

Conor: So, Georgia, could I get your number?

Georgia: Uhh... sure it's (clears throat) 416-967-1234

Conor pretends to type it into his phone.

Conor: Sorry what was that?

Georgia: (stumbling) uhh.. , what? did you just pretend to put my number into your phone and then ask me a second time to make sure I am giving you my real number? That's so slimey! And for the record it was a fake number you creep. I can do much better!

scene

I will not resort to the double ask phone number technique although I used to back in the 90's when it first blossomed.

But here is the question that arose from yesterday's interaction. I got a girl's number who immediately asked me to call her so that she had my number in her phone as well. The call and save. Rather than me dictating my number I just called her and she saved it after it showed up as an incoming call. Now we both walk away with each other's numbers. Sounds great right? Here is a conversation I had after with my 'friend' Toni.

Car on the way home from, (for sake of comedy), Jack Astor's.

Conor: I got that hot chick's number.

Toni: The blond. I should hope so. You were all over her.

Conor: No the brunette, her friend.

Toni: Really. Yeah, no, she was hot. You were all about the blond though.

Conor: (admittingly) I know but both were cute right? So, shut up man. She wants me bad though, I got her number and she immediately asked me to call her so she would have mine.

Toni: So, bro.

Conor: It means she wants my number just as bad as I want hers and it's a guaranteed hook up.

Toni: What? It's courtesy, bro. The ask back is standard. You exchange numbers. It's not give me your number and now I wield the power.

Conor: I disagree. If anything I'm weirded out by her wanting my number as well. It's desperate. Usually I get the number and that's that.

Toni: So you called her, she didn't answer and then she put your number into her contact list?

Conor: yep.

Toni: You started your relationship with an ignored call? Get used to it.

Conor: Shut up.

Scene


CELL PHONE the TV show-- coming soon from Taryn Leigh

Hello report : comeback

I have given up on the Hello report but I need to get it going again

The compliment I am going to try today.

'Excuse me. Can you do me a favour. I'm kind of having a rough day so could you smile for me to brighten it up'

I have to try it. Stay tuned for a report on it.

Women are the best: Daily

They are hot when they look like animals. In high school I was in love with a girl that looked like a lion. After high school I was in love with a girl that looked like a monkey. Too bad the ones that love me look like ant-eaters.

My predicitons on future teenage slang words for 2009

SLAM: When they are angry or overhwelmed they just say the word slam. To me the word slam is synonymous with teenage anger. When they don't get what they want, they slam stuff. Doors, books, beer bottles, pumpkins. In the technological future they will not want to slam their cell phones or computers, and doors will all be sliding. Thus SLAM!
example:

Teacher: Angelo go to the principal's office!

Angelo: What!!! SLAM!!!!!!!! SLAM this !!!!!!!

HAPPY: someone who is a loser is 'happy'. In the future the word gay is like the f word and will not be tolerated at all. Since in teenager world, if you are happy for no reason, you are obviously a fag, the word happy will be used to describe someone who teenagers think is gay.

Kevin: yo, look at Fred. He has no friends. I bet you he's happy.

Angelo: Yeah he's so happy he's jolly.

POP: The word pop can go by undeteced in high schools. Going for a pop will be smoking a joint.

Angelo: (whispers to Kevin) Yo let's go for a pop.

Kevin: yeah man. Mr. Rennie? Can I go get a quick drink (laughs to Angelo)

Mr. Rennie: Not right now, you just went for one.

Kevin: What!! SLAM!!!

MOPE: This is what teenager do. Moping around is the way they move. The word mope will be slang for chilling which is slang for hanging out.

Example

Angelo:What are you doing later, you wanna mope?

Kevin: I'll mope. No doubt.

Angelo: Let's mope over to Dave's house, he's got pops.

Kevin: I just grabed a bag of pop.

Kevin and Angelo togehter: SLAM!!!! (in this case slam can also be used as a good thing)

I have a million more,,, but have to go back to work.

Captain Coulier's blog

My crew and I have been on the exotic sex planet Puregoldia for over a year now. From 40 miles away the planet looks like a pink gumball floating in a cloud of fundip. On the planet one learns that is it scattered with exotic women and men who want nothing more than to please their visitors. I am more interested in the exotic women of course. This planet is incredibly fascinating. Immediately upon our arrival we were approached by vixens and sexy aliens. In fact we hadn't even had a chance to unpack our bags. I still haven't unpacked some of my stuff. The sexpots claimed us as their visitors and swore that their goal until our departure was to satisfy our every need. This of course meant sexually but I was one step ahead and knew they meant that. Then again I am always trying to score even when I'm approached by a nonsexual ugly alien on any planet in this galaxy. In those situations I'll just get to the point where I know I have it if I want it and then I'll Houdini on them. On this planet, my sexual urges, are reciprocated which I find great. Since we arrived I haven't been able to get any exploring done. Just seeing sexy vixens walking around naked makes me so warm and tingley that I can't concentrate. But most of all it's my host Sue. She is at least a 14 out of 10. She is absolutely perfect in every way. Her hair is constantly changing colour. When I'm in a bad mood she has beautiful shinny blond locks that brighten my day and smell like sunflowers. When I am feeling confident her hair turns jet black and begs me to twist it around my hand and pull it (gently). When I'm neutral it's brown, when I'm frisky it's red, when I'm tired it's purple, when I'm high it's blue, and when I'm stoned it's green. Her body type is always changing but is never unattractive and her clothing is always themed and the sexy version. Like when we landed she was a sexy school girl and after being here for a year she has been through just about every profession. Yesterday she showed up to my quarters dressed as a sexy cognitive therapist. She is also a total genius. She is funny and has directed plays. No award but plenty of official selections and honorable mentions, which are subjectively better right? She hates sarcasm, but only because it's too easy. She smiles when I smile and when I don't smile she 'cute smiles'. She has that smell that pure girls have. The best way to describe it is to say she has that female thigh scent. She smells like a bed made out of really sexy female thighs. She loves getting drunk and can roll joints with the best of them. she hates cuddling, and is actually attracted to premature ejaculators. She proof reads and grammar checks all my captain's blogs (except this one), and she loves running to get me coffee in the morning. Everything is great, but I can't help but wonder why the last explorer left her. Why would any man leave such an amazing woman? Is it because she is so perfect? No. because when I told her I thought she was too perfect she immediately farted which is something perfect women don't do. That was probably the cutest thing I have seen since we came here to be honest. I need to leave here. As much as I enjoy her company, I can't get anything accomplished with her around. Or have I accomplished everything simply by being with her? What a tough question. I bet she knows the answer, but I'm not going to ask her. I'd rather die trying to find the answer to the question then ask her. In fact I think I am going to change this blog around to make it sound like co-captain Fred's blog. I'll tell her I found it and ask her to analysis it. She's a sexy cognitive therapist, let's see if she can find the double talk and intrinsic motivation. Wait. She'll know it's mine because I already told her I think it's funny when she farts. Maybe I can substitute the farts with burping. But burping is actually a lot grosser. Should I risk it? Man so many tough questions.

Debit Card Etiquette

The life of Debit

waiter: Umm , (rolls eyes) if you have to pay debit, you need to come all the way to the front.

customer: Uhhhhh...I have to because I don't have cash.

waiter: Fine. Whatever.

Debit card Etiquette

1. huge lines: When there is a long line you are adding to the problem if you use debit. Why do you think Tim Horton's doesn't do debit? Mind you, I bet if you timed it, it is quicker to swipe debit and get out of there then to shovel around in your skinny jeans for quarters and then wait for some teenager to count your change.

2. under 5 dollar rule: if you use debit for a purchase under 5 dollars you got problems. I do it every now and then and end up apologizing profusely to everyone around me.

3. restaurant "to the front" walk of shame: not all dining establishments have the portable debit machines just yet. Thus customers are forced to walk to the front of the restaurant in order to pay with debit. I have no idea why restaurants keep their debit machine at the front. Maybe it's to use it as a shield if they ever get robbed. Nevertheless, the walk of shame is embarrassing. Everyone in the restaurant will watch you, the waiter will roll her eyes, and you will have to tip more even though you had to walk.

4. adding a tip: There's nothing worse than the awkward moment after the receipt prints out where the waiter gets to read what you tipped. This moment gives them time to decided whether they will say goodbye to you or not.

5. service charges: The sketchier the location the higher the service charge. I was at a brothel/strip club in Woodbridge (@ 3 in the morning) and obviously was running low on cash. Went to the ATM machine and the service charge was 15 dollars. When in Rome.

6. debit card in the drive thru: You feel like you're in a 'Dennis the menace' cartoon when the debit machine extension cord is stretched to its full capacity in order to reach the passenger in shotgun. Simply letting go of the portable hand held device will whip it back and knock out everyone in restaurant. Don't grab any greasy fries before you enter your pin; you might kill someone in line.

7. A poor man's Visa: Why aren't you collecting points? Does someone have to ask you every day if you are collecting points? Do you have an optimum card yet? Jesus! collect points OK. Avion points are nex'shit.

8. A phantom receipt: When someone leaves a receipt in the print out slot it is instinctual to check how much money they took out and how much they have left. This is to compare yourself and the transaction your about to make in order to fuel your ego.

9. Ripping the sticker off of a fresh card: Calling the 14 digit number and confirming makes you feel like you're starting new. Having a brand new debit card is like getting a new pair of shoes. For about a week you do everything to keep'em clean, but after one stain your using them to crush stuff up.

1o. Doing it yourself: The pressure is on. when you have to sweep your own card and do all the number punching you will always stripe the wrong way first. It is always the other way.

11. The emergency receipt condom: If your card is not working it is imperative that the cashier attempt to stripe it with a receipt over the stripe. That thin piece of paper makes all the difference, and if you don't believe me, you're an idiot.

Houdini

can some of my friends comment on the houdini

slyblogger
kevin

??

the Art of the Houdini

Houdini: Someone who goes to parties, gets really wasted, and then just dissappears. Consistently. They do this so much that everyone assumes they are OK when they dissappear.

Why do you pull a Houdini? I think it has to do with sudden drunk urges that pop up when you're completely hammered. Like the sudden overwhelming urge to eat something. A Houdini usually drinks way too fast. They are walking around as a normal person, but then all of a sudden the alcohol hits them all at once. At this moment everything becomes a blur almost instantly and they transform into a monster. As I try to write this blog, I have difficulty, because as much as I try to rememeber what was going through my head every time I Houdinied, I can't. Everytime I did something incredibly stupid, or hurt someone's feelings while in Houdini mood, I have to take their word for it, because I don't remember doing it. So. Houdini's are instantly completely hammered, and right when this happens primitive urges take over their brains. Also, usually Houdini is so hammered that they are unaware of their surroundings. They are basically inside out. They have no new thoughts, just old ones that keep circulating through their drunk heads, and possibly rolling out of their mouths to their unawareness. They are cavemen. Hunger: get me food now. Sex: call all numbers now. Shelter: sleep now. Quite often the Houdini can just walk right out of the party because people are so into thier own drunk worlds that they don't notice. Only rarely do they have to sneak out.
example of a Houdini's I have pulled

New Years 2002: @ Lobby bar in Toronto. Open bar. I drove down to Toronto and was going to stay at a friends house. Was drinking and had a great time until I had to go to the bathroom. I remember leaving my drink on a communial table as there were no drinks allowed in the bathroom area. Black out. Woke up at home (Oakville) and my car was still in Toronto. I had a huge rip in my jacket....found out later on that I got thrown out of Lobby, slapped a few times, and ripped my own jacket. I think someone put something in my drink, or I grabbed the wrong drink, because that night was a mysterious Houdini. Primitive urge: sex=slaps. next.... fights=kicked out...finally sleep=Oakville. (might have had some food, probably did, but don't remember)

Women are the best: Daliy

Because they look so sexy in school uniforms that the school boards are constantly changing the wardrobe to de-sex-ify them.

Theraputic Diary blog

Just finished my graduate show from Second City. Still have a throbbing headache from the music, heat of the theatre, emotions, lights, and talking. I had to get home. To be honest, I feel the show went well. Everyone in my group did the best show they have ever done. I also feel it was my best show. But I have learned that this is not the type of thing in life that make me happy. I don't mean working with others. I love my group and it was amazing working with them and I am so happy it went well. What I'm saying is I'm not interested in the fact that it was our best show. I don't get joy out of the result, I get it out of the process. This is not a choice, it's more of a curse. It's being in the scene. writing something, or playing of the sport where I am genuinely interested and excited. When the product is done and I go look back at it I get a headache. If I am creating, writing, trying to do something I'm happy. When I reflect or celebrate, I feel, wierd. It's kinda scary.

I am almost doomed to self distaste. This is not to say I dislike myself. I don't dislike myself. I like who I am and what I am pursuing. As an artist, or writer, or athlete, or whatever I am I always question my work and ability. Also my taste in art is constantly changing. By art I mean life choices. Music, fashion, tv, film, food, hairstyle, sports, moods, coffe brands, facebook status, screen savers, and anything else where creativity is an option.
I am also a hardcore work-a-holic. When I was a tennis player I would have to hit a ton of serves everyday and do fitness everyday because if I didn't, I would feel like I didn't deserve to win. I would have a voice in the back of my head saying, "You're not doing enough. Go hit more balls, or you will lose. "On top of that, I was always obsessed with trying to change the look of my technique. this voice stays there, it's just the topic that changes.

These thought patterns aren't healthy together.

With film, as soon as I finish something I feel like I could have done it better. So much so, to the point where as soon as I'm done something it is my sheer goal to get as far away from it as soon as possible so I don't think about it. Crazy.

I perfer the art direction part of everything I do the most. I think that's because it allows me to express myself without using my actual self. I find the most modesty and connection with this aspect of art. Colours and silences. Using a colour palet to tell a story is the most universal. If a film can be watched without the dialogue (not the sound) it is a film worth watching. As I continue to write and try to make film I want to branch out to some romantic colour silence stuff. I don't know exactly what that is yet. I feel it involves heavy film grain, wet sidewalks, and flourescent pastels (if those even exist)

When I get great news, I immediately start to try to find reasons why the news is not so great. If something goes well, I don't want to talk about it and I feel like watching tv to celebrate. That is my idea of celebrating something exciting these days. Watch football and do some stretching. This sounds healthier than partying, but I can't help but think this isn't healthy. My social life art form has gone to shit. Expand on social life being some peoples choice of art.

relcusive is unhealthy.


blah blah

Women are the Best: Daily

Becuase lots more cute animals and juicy fruits are found on women's sexy underwears.

news, facebook, and beds

today was the craziest day of my life. I aged 4 years in 4 hours. I got the best news I have ever received (I will reveal it when I'm allowed to), and 20 minutes later I was informed that a person in my social network had passed away.

I am preparing for a huge comedy show this Sunday, so my blog has suffered. but I have to do it as I am superstitious and if I don't do it, I will be pissing off God.

SOOOO

Facebook/model and not the other way around

I thought of something that annoys me, as I am putting together my facebook etiquette top ten list. There are people in my facebook friends group that actually post pictures of famous people, or models, that kinda sorta look like them and try to pass them off as 'really good pictures of them'. Like we, the creepers, are supposed to just assume it was a good angle, good hair day, great lighting, or just how they look now.

For example a friend of mine has this picture on her facebook wall of a model. The model looks like her. I could see how at first glance, your average generali could glance at this pic in passing and think it was just a GREAT photo of her. But I'm no generali. I'm insane and know exactly what she is up to. Basically, what she is trying to do is pass a photo of a perfect person off as her in good lighting from the right angle. I have over 10 people in my network that do this. If you do this. Stop, or comment why you do this please. I want to investigate these types of people. They make for great comedy skits if you can portray them from their sincere POV.

COACH CASEY

Coach Casey's life motto. He lives by this, and is in the process of designing a tattoo around this slogan...a perfectly made bed.

'Everybody has two choices in life; either get out of bed, or don't get out of bed.'

Women are the best: Daily X2

I actually forgot to do my women are the best daily post yesterday. Commitment issues.

1. Because when something good happens to a man the first thought he gets is "I can use this postive energy to get a woman!".

2. Because being a bitch is bad for a guy, but for a girl, it's kind of hot.

Politics and Fajitas

part 3 JACK ASTOR'S

Conor sits in front of three empty plates. Tony takes his sweet time enjoying his food. Time jumps forward twice while Conor sits and watches Tony eat anxiously. Finally Tony is done. Alas, the bill is laid down on the table. Conor reaches for the bill.

Conor: It's my turn to get. Right?

Tony: Bro, I think, yeah, your turn. Right?

Conor: I'm pretty sure. So we're not counting those drinks I got yesterday then, I guess?

Tony: (surprised) Oh. The pints. I, um, yeah I suppose we could, in theory. So that would make it my turn in the rotation then. Is that what you're saying?

Conor: I don't know. I just know that you bought dinner last time (points at Tony). But we grabbed drinks last night (points to himself), and now we're here having dinner again and we have a bill (points at the bill), so...

Tony pulls out his wallet as Conor slowly goes for his own.

Tony: That's fine bro.

Conor: Thanks man, I 100% have next.

The waiter, Jason, walks by and Conor grabs his attention. He stops.

Jason: All set here?

Conor points at Tony.

Tony: umm, yeah. Debit.

Jason's reaction says 'debit? are you serious?'.

Jason: Okay... you have to come to the front for that.

Tony: (to Conor) Walk of shame bro.

Tony walks with debit card visibly in hand. Conor and Jason follow as restaurant customers watch in judgement. Finally, they reach the front. Tony begins to use the debit machine.

Tony: Okay....checkings, yep...$43.76, Ok...do you, wait, what? (looks closer at the debit screen) 'Tony you are aware that you paid for dinner last time'....umm, (presses button) accept...

Conor: what?

Tony: I don't know...(reading screening) what!? 'It isn't your turn in the rotation, are you sure you want to accept this transaction to encourage your friends cheapness....ummm...Ok'(presses button)

Conor: (laughs) dude-

Tony: Is this... 'Your friendship with Conor do you wish to keep it or cancel it?' I think Cancel (presses button).

Conor: dude-

Tony: It's pending.

Conor: (guilty) I'll grab it. Cancel the transaction.

Tony: Too late it already went through.

Tony grabs his receipt.

Conor: You're a bastard. You know I got the next one.

Tony: I know, I'm just... (offers Conor the receipt) is this yours? No wait. (puts it in his pocket)

Conor: Make me feel like shit.

Tony laughs at the grief he just caused. Conor stuffs his pockets with lolly-pops.

Tony: (still laughing) Bro, are you kidding?

Conor: Want one?

Tony: They're free bro.

Conor puts a lollipop in his mouth as the two walk out laughing.

Scene

Cell phone ettiquette: the voicemail

11. Voicemail rules.

a) straight to voicemail means phone is off.

c) a full ring (usually about 4) and then a pause to voicemail. The person missed the call. Usually this is a legitmate miss. *

c) ringings and then suddenly the voicemail picks up. The person on the other end saw that you're calling, and pressed ignore call. Either they are in a situation where they should have turned their phone off and are now being busted for having their phone on. OR, they are telling you to f-off. Justified paranoia either way.

*this might mean they just turned their ringer off. If this is the case you're dealing with a cell phone jedi.

Compliments suck

Here is a unique phenomenon I have exposed about humans. Often, when we are complimented we like to follow it with a self depricating comment. not all the time, but it is something that happens so much that I am going to investigate. Here are some examples.

Ex. Conor: "Jennifer, your hair looks beautiful today"

Jen: "Thanks, yeah I decided to try and control the mess today"

This implies that she feels she is normally a mess. She is very vulnerable, and wants love. A flurry of compliments and she'll break down and cry.

Example 2

"Ken you are a great person, everyone here likes you"

Ken: "Well, for now. Hopefully I don't screw it up(laughs)"

Ken feels awkward and doesn't want to seem cocky by actually accepting a compliment. (he hates cocky people). Accepting a compliment will make him feel arrogant and concieded. Thus, he puts himself down immediately. He is the type of leader that constantly needs to be told he is doing well, because if anything goes wrong he'll cocoon and say "I always screw up anyway, what did you expect"

These need to be investigated. I had 10 minutes to blog.

Thanks for reading my blog. You're a really nice and sincere person

Blog Teaser and Conictionary

due to a crazy day, I wasn't able to post a full blog. Here is an upcoming blogs list

human sabatoge- the new television show idea that I have (the mock script)
the sociology of debit (debit card ettiquette top ten list)
the art of the houdini (how to leave a party without anyone knowing you left)

Conictionary: 1st entry

'pay as you go': noun or adjective: Someone who is unreliable and often dissapears for large amounts of time. Examples of use;

"Jose is 'pay as you go' because I invited him to my party, he said he'd come, and then he didn't show.
"Fred is a 'pay as you go' because he doesn't have a job, he sleeps in till 1, and he never answers his phone."

Leaving a message: "Dude, what are you 'pay as you go'? where the hell are you"

feel free to comment with an example of a 'pay as you go' sentence of your own...please.

Women are the best: Daily

because, on the sexual learning curve, the only thing better than success is rejection....from a woman.

cell phone ettiquette

top ten social rules blossomed by cell phone life.

1. "I had no battery" this is a legitimate excuse to completely disappear and then reappear simply by stating 'my battery is recharged'. So is forgetting your phone anywhere.

2. "I had no signal". This is also a legitmate excuse, but creates more suspicion. Where the hell were you? In the underworld?

3. "I was out of minutes." This is for pay as you go people. I have no pay as you go friends and quiet frankly I don't want any, but I have heard this is an excuse they use.

4. "You called before 6 and I don't like to use daytime minutes." Do yourself a favor, and delete this person from your life. they don't like you, and if they do, they are going to get you in trouble.

5. My phone was on vibrate/or silent. This is actually a sign of maturity. A unique ringtone is a dead give away that the person needs to get a real job.

6. A phone call that is returned by a text rather than a phone call. This basically mean "Don't call me" It is also a way of saying I'm busier than you.

7. calling and then not leaving a message. This means "I called you, you will notice that you missed my call and then you will call me back". Two calls in a row is desperate.

8. private numbers and unknown numbers are always bad news and should be avoided.

9. If you warn the person that your phone might cut out. you can basically hang up whenever you want.

10. Speaker phone. Speaker phone makes the person who is on speaker phone feel subordinate, while the person listening on speaker phone feels confident like a jet fighter pilot.

Women are the Best: Daily

Because if they are really smart and funny you want them to hold you in their arms and tell you everything is OK. Even just smart can do most of the time.

A Producers Job

A lot of people don't know what a television producer does. Here is an example of a smart producer's decision.

Intervention the television show: A television show that documents the lives of people at rock bottom.

Producer's job: When do you air a show like this on tv?

Answer: Monday nights @ 9pm.

Reason: Monday's suck and people are home on Monday nights. How can a television show appeal to this or actually make Monday's better? Intervention is a show that appeals to our desire to see other people fail because in turn it makes us feel better about ourselves. The show makes viewers, subconciously, feel better by watching other people's misery and realizing that there are people out there worse off than them. This is a great way to finish a Monday isn't it? We have been through a rough day and we have more to go. Watching Intervention on Monday's night reminds us that Mondays are nothing compared to some things in life.

Producer's Conclusion: Intervention makes Monday night go down smoothly. Now give me my drug money!

Hello experiment: 'You're beautiful"

Today was a good day for the Hello experiment. The myths surronding hellos and compliments that I listed, couldn't be farther from the truth. Everyone is dying to be talked to in this disconnected technological hurricane we live in. Just stopping and initiating conversation in a polite way (without asking for something) can make your day and someone elses.

Today I looked at a woman (mid forties) who looked like she was having a rough day. I said to her. "crummy weather", to which she, without missing a beat, replied "really crummy". It got the feeling that she had been wanting to say that all day. Right after that I told her she had a beautiful smile. She was practically going to cry ( I know this is cheesy, but it was actually rather humorous) because of the comment. It wierded me out to be honest. But it was a cool moment. (something that would be hilarious on film).


Then, slyblogger, what do you think of this one.

Int. Grocery store -- night

Conor unloads two boxes of 'cinammon toast crunch' and a bag of chips onto the check out conveyor belt from his cart. Victoria, thirties, attractive business woman type, waits in front of him with her groceries already on the belt. She has asparagus, healthy stuff, and reads an 'In touch magazine'

Conor: Your grocery selection makes me feel unhealthy.

Victoria: (laughs) Yeah well I have some junk in here. Look taco shells.

Conor: Taco shells eh? Cinammon toast crunch, jalapeno chips and coke.

Victoria: yeah, that's OK though.

Conor: I'm not ashamed. (refers to his dog food; a bag of salmon purina) My dog even eats healthier than me.

Victoria: Salmon (winks) the high life.

Conor: yep.

Victoria hands the cashier the 'In Touch' magazine to add it to her purchase.

Conor: So there is your junk. You eat healthy but you read shit.

Victoria: laughs.

Conor: I'm the other way around. I eat shit, but I only read fine literature.

Victoria: so where is your reading material?

Conor: At the library! I don't buy my books at Metro. But I do know a guy who knows the inside scoop on Brad and Angelina.

Victoria: sure you do.

Conor: Yeah, give me your number and I'll act as a middle man for you.

Victoria: I'm married.

Conor: That's awesome. So that's why you eat so well. I guess I eat like a bachelor don't I?

Victoria: I think my husband would eat like that if he didn't cook.

Conor: So I am your type. Over all this is a positive moment for me.

Victoria: (laughs) Bye.

Victoria exits.


I want to make it clear that I don't normally do stuff like this. This is an experiment in which I am just trying to be nice to people. I also plan on using these scenarios in 'scripts'.

This blog has forced me to try to do these things and they have made me a much happier person.

Women are the best: Daily

Because they have two sexual places, one up top and one down below, where as men only have one.

Coulier's blog: Space Face

Today the Canadian national anthem got stuck on the ship. It ran 3 times before we realized it was skipping. I think this was a sign of how tired my crew and I are. After we fixed the radio I called my mom, in front of my crew, to apologize for faking the invasion the other day. My mom accepted my apology and I told her I love her in front of all of them. I don't see one reason why they would want to avoid me now. But I was thinking lately...what if they disliked me because of my face. Just the appearance of my face. Like if I have one of those dislikeable faces. I am not saying dislikeably good looking, because I wouldn't necessarily say I am noticeably good looking. Well in certain lighting I am, but I am not constantly complimented on my looks. Friends of mine that are noticeably, annoyingly, good looking are constantly being complimented and at times their faces are annoying because of how oblivious what's behind it is to what's in front of it. You want to punch them because your whole life you've been told that looks don't matter, (which is a way for adults to tell awkward children that with a good personality and hard work they too can sleep with an attractive person) and they are dating a beautiful and smart person that you know is just with them because of their face. On the contrary, I wouldn't say I'm noticeably ugly. I have been insulted by little kids that don't know any better and I have had a few girls give me the 'ewww' face, but nothing too serious. So is it possible that my looks and appearance are just annoying, or not fun to be around? There are some people that are just a good buzz to be around because of their looks and attitude. Their laugh is fun to hear, they smile a lot and the way there face moves when they talk is enjoyable. I like to think I'm one of these people. But what if I'm not? Are my looks and mannerisms annoying? Maybe I have an annoying face. One of those faces that says 'go-away I'm in a bad mood', even when I'm just trying to look normal. Or a face that light doesn't reflect off efficently. Or maybe my face is just not fun to look at. I don't really know how to answer these questions. Actually, I think I should stop writing this blog. It's messing with my head. I'm going to delete it just in case one of my crew members sees it. They will surely lose respect for me if they do. I've been in space too long. I look fine.

Crowds and teenagers

Today I was too busy to do the 'hello' experiement but I had my fair share of interaction. I was rehearsing all day for my 'second city skit show', did the show, and it's now 6pm.

However, I did manage to devise a social theory based on the show I was involved in today compared to the one last weekend. Last weekend the audience was easily over 70, this week, close to 20. I can tell you that a large audience is much happier and receptive than a small audience. Making a 20 person audience laugh is much tougher than a 100 person audience. 20 persons and less audiences are like an insecure teenager. They don't want to laugh, just in case what they laugh at isn't considered funny by their peers (other audience members), because that would mean they aren't cool. On the contrary, a 70+ audience is like drunk teenagers at a party. There are enough loud laughers, and drunk bafoons around so everyone is laughing and after a while they forget why.

This has to do with the feeling of invasion we all try desperately to avoid all day long. In a small group we feel that we are being judged. So here are some mental hypothesis that surround close space laughter.


If I laugh at that joke in front of this small group of people they will notice my laughs and then be able to judge my laugh; ie. is it annoying, is it cool, etc..

If I laugh at that joke in front of this small group of people they will assume that I can relate to that joke a little too much, and maybe I'm the same creep that is being identified through that joke. Ie. laughing at a facebook joke like the one below-

"I love being poked" - If I laugh at this, people around who didn't laugh now think that I love to get poked.

If I laugh at that joke and other people don't I will look like an idiot.

Stay tuned for more, BUT, in temporary conclusion, the reason I didn't get a ton of laughs today, is not because I wasn't hilarious. It was because there weren't enough people in the audience to allow everyone to remain anonymous with their laughter. I feel a lot better after writing this.....

Women are the best: Daily

As long as their behind looks good in jeans they can have the worst fashion sense and still be really sexy.

Dream last night: Human Polar bear

Had a dream last night in which I was having dinner with George W Bush, Barak O' Bama and a human polar bear. The human polar bear actually shaved all his hair off and was now just a normal human, but his hair was growing back pretty quickly. His behaviours where more like a seal. He could do tricks, which he did at the dinner table, and he wouldn't stop talking about his natural habitat; the ocean. Plus I don't think Polar bears need water, it's not like they are fish, but in my dream it made perfect sense that he was a polar bear and a human, and was invited to a dinner to celebrate his heroics.

It was an honouray dinner for the first human polar bear, and I was invited. The dinner was in a beautiful dining room, that I have been in before, but can't pin point when and where. The dining room was location 5 stories above ground, with a balcony in the back and below us was the Arctic sea. After dinner and some photos, I took a liking to the human polar bear (didn't have a name) and we got to talking. Half way through our conversation he started to cry and began to walk towards the balcony. I followed him and insisted that he stay for a night cap. He continued and we both stopped at the banister overlooking the water. The stars were shining and wind blowing. With a tear in his eye he informed me that he had to return to the water now or else he would die. I understood, and with a spring he dove over and into the water. Immediately,I rushed to my computer and tried to make one of the photos of Bush, Obama, the human polar bear, and I, my facebook profile picture. It wouldn't allow me to! Even when I cropped it. When it uploaded it was a completely different picture. This left me thinking, im my dream, did that human polar bear exist, or was he just a fragment of my imagination?

Dream analysis: Me wanting to make the picture my facebook profile picture, tells me that I wanted the whole world to think I'm important because of the people I got to eat with, and that for some reason I valued my profile pic more than anything else?? I have to delete my facebook account and hopefully that human polar bear will come back and finish the conversation.

Hello report: End of Day 1

so a rough start but a good finish to day 1 of the 'hello experiment'

Summary: Said hello to a bunch of random people on the street. All where very charmed by my hellos in the afternoon. Saying hello in the morning is much tougher.

Highlight of the day: Dinner @ Jack Astor's to discuss film with brother Lyndon. (I go there a lot these days, but not the same one as I normally go to)

Here it is

Interior--Jack Astor's Bar and Grill -- Saturday night

Conor and Lyndon sit down for dinner. Right when they sit down the martyred writes the time 7:50, in crayon, on the construction paper place matt. Conor quickly takes a crayon and changes the time from 7:50 to 7:15. The waitress, Cait, stunningly beautiful, shows up 10 seconds later with menus. Conor instantly points to the time.

Conor: We have been waiting for 30 minutes!

Cait: Oh my God! (laughs) I am such an idiot.

Conor: We're totally insulted.

Cait: (playing along and laughing hard) you must want to kill me, you've been here for like 40 minutes! I'm such a jerk.

Conor: yeah well, no problem. Jerk.

Cait: (laughs)

Cait writes her name on the table

Conor: Cait? as in 'Kate'? Is that how you spell it?

Cait: Yep. Short for Caitlin (spells the rest adding the lin)

Conor: Great name.

Cait only dots one of the 'i's in her name.

Conor: not going to dot that other 'i' hun? May I?

Cait: (laughs) so sweet of you.

Conor: are you kidding, it will be my pleasure.

Conor grabs a crayon and dots the 'i' very passionately.

Conor: damn that felt good.

Cait: (practically in tears laughing so hard) can I get you some drinks.

Conor (in my head- I love you) uhh..

Lyndon: A pitcher of Canadian.

Conor: sounds good.

Cait: (laughs dying down) I'll be right back.

Cait leaves. Conor and Lyndon make eye contact.

Conor: Lyndon, I don't drink, eh.

After that the rest is history and I eventually got her phone number. BUT. I highly recommend the time change if you go to Jack Astor's. I invented it today, and I imagine it would be a great ice breaker in any situation.

All and all my theory that people want to be treated nice is supported.

Compliments always go appreciated, and it's harder to say 'no' than it is to say 'yes', even if you want to say 'no'.

Women are the best: Daily

Flavoured Lip Smackers.

Guys wish they could wear it, so kissing a girl with lip smackers on gives us an excuse to wear it un-intentionally.

mid day hello report

so - I have attempted to say 'hello' to a few random people.

First conclusion: People are professionals at avoiding eye contact. Eye contact is a fearful encounter. I will write a chapter in my book about it, and I want to study the history of it. It is as if we behave like people can see our darkest secrets simply by looking into our eyes.

Emotional level: I am actually in a bad mood because of the experiment so far.

Highlight: Said 'hi' to one guy who was walking his dog while I was walking mine. We both walked past each other smiling, and greeted with a healthy hello. I instantly felt good.

Pressure: I was in a Coffee shop waiting for my coffee. A cute girl was waiting in line and there were about 7 other people in line. She obviously just rolled out of bed and was projecting "I just want to be left alone" I wanted to say 'hi' but just couldn't bring myself to do it. I imagined the whole place going dead silent and still if I had broken this crippling unwritten law. I tried to make eye contact, it was avoided, grabbed my coffee and left.

Summary: So far majority of 'hellos' have been unreturned or ignored, quiet simply because it is such a struggle to make eye-contact. Accepted ones make me feel good.
Stay tuned....

Oh my God, that guy just said "Hello" to me...

I actually heard a girl say this to one of her friends after a guy said hi to her at the bar. This to me was one of the worst scenes of indecency I have ever experienced. I thought, how rude, and for a blink I thought "women are evil", but then I knew better than to generalize a whole sex based on one wafer-like hipster. BUT THIS raises the question...

Is it creepy to say hello to someone you don't know? Why is it creepy?

It's because of all the stupid cliches and broken telephone stories people have constructed in their heads about when it is OK, and when it is not OK, to simply say 'hello'. Basically as people in the year 2008, we want to appear so important and busy and en route to our destinations. "I have to go here so I am traveling please don't disturb me' is what we are saying all the time without saying it. Our society projects that anyone who has the time to stop and have a conversation isn't important enough to stop and have a conversation with. They aren't working hard enough; they don't matter. This is complete nonsense and the problem with society. We say 'hi' only under the most business related and scripted instances. Personally, I only want to say 'hi' to people I don't know. People I do know, I have already said 'hi' to enough that I don't want to anymore.

So on national 'hello' day, here are some myths we worry about when contemplating saying hello to strangers:

-I can't say hello to that beautiful girl she's listening to her ipod and probably wants to be alone because a girl that wears an ipod has a boyfriend.

-I can't say hello to that person, she's walking fast with her head down. This means she's obviously in a rush to get somewhere and if I try to talk to her, I will be showing her I don't have a job because I don't respect punctuality.

-If I say 'hello' to this person she is going to tell me to 'fuck off'. I will appear like a creep in-your-face douchebag if I try to engage in conversation with this person because it is disrespectful and perverted to force your greetings onto someone you would like to get to know better.

-I would say 'hello' but she's on the other side of the street and if I cross to say hi, I'll look like this was my intention, and I don't want that. Last thing I want is a girl to think I'm intentionally going out of my way to do something for her, or wait, is that right?

-I can't say 'hello' to that person because other people are within earshot and I don't want them to think I do this all the time. This might start a rumbling of 'who the, what the, this guy, who's this guy, get him outta here, blah blah..."

-Only crazy people say 'hello' to people for no reason other than to say 'hello'. That's how you can tell someone is crazy; if they just say hello for no reason other than to be nice.

So in response to these mythical cognitions, tomorrow I am going to see how many compliments I can make to random people and I will attempt to break as many of these as possible. I will record them on my blog as well as the reaction.

I will compliment everyone I want to compliment. If I see someone who I think is attractive, has nice shoes, or just plain looks interesting, I will compliment them.

Random people that I want to say hello to or that look like someone I might be interested in talking to I will say hi to.

Here it goes. I'm nervous as hell. For no reason really...

Women are the best: Daily

Because vicariously, through their boyfriend's stories, you can enjoy them as well.

Politics and Fajitas

Interior Jack Astor's Bar and Grill

Conor(27), and Tony(28), sit at a booth with a construction paper place mat. A waiter approaches the table, writes his name..."JASON!"... on the table with a crayon and then hands the boys menus.

Jason: Thanks for coming to Jack Astor's. First time to a Jack's or...?

Conor: Not even close Jason we're practically tenants (smiles). We come here all the time. Yeah so, I think we're ready to order, I don't even need to look at this. Tony, do you want to go or should I just...

Tony studies the menu.

Tony: Uhh, bro, go ahead, I just want to check one thing.

Conor: Okay, we'll split the beef nachos--

Tony:(interupts) Uhh, I think for today, you go ahead, I might not.

Conor: No splits on the beef nachos?

Tony: Umm, it's just, just go without me for this one I think today.

Conor: Is it the beef? No beef is fine with me.

Tony: It's not that, the beef is fine, just go with it and I'm going to hang back.

Conor: (shocked) Alright. I'll just get a small beef nachos. And we'll have the chicken fajitas for two--

Tony: Uhh. I don't think I'm going to--

Conor: sorry steak--

Tony: It's not the meat selection, it's just, today, because, normally, you know what, you get them. I'm going to pass.

Conor: So no fajitas for two...? Fajitas for just 1, you sure?

Tony: umm, pretty sure, yeah.

Conor: should Jason come back?

Tony: No.

Conor: Fine. So I guess I'll get the fajitas for one, and I'll get a corona, unless ,Tony, what do you think about one of those buckets of little coronitas--

Tony: Nope.

Conor: Of course. Small nachos, fajitas, and a fucking corona, all for 1.

Jason: Got it. (to Tony) Do you need some more time sir?

Tony: (thinks about it) you know what, I'll just get the same.

Conor is mesmerized and stares at Tony in disbelief.

Jason: Got it. Ill be right back with your individual beers.

Jason grabs the menus and walks off. Conor is stunned as Tony avoids eye contact.

Conor: Dude? have you lost your mind?

Tony: What? I just wanted to try it this way for a change.

Conor: It's way cheaper if we split, plus, I thought you were driving?

Tony: It's one beer dude, not a whole bucket.

Conor and Tony sit in silence. They both pick up crayons and draw on the construction paper.

End of scene 1 - stay tuned for the meal.... coming soon.....

Women are the best: Daily

I don't even know how to spell Misogynist.

Because it's fun to try new moves on them.

Would you go Sober if....

Would you go sober if...

You died in a fire: Say you had a fire at your apartment caused by a ciggarette butt thrown in a garbage bin while you were drunk, passed out on the floor in your room in a puddle of your own puke. A fireman rushed through your blazing apartment, and hauled you out. You were covered in black soot and had no vital signs upon arrival at the hospital but they shocked you back to life. You were dead for 2 minutes. People ask you all the time what it was like to be dead and you answer; 'it was a very relaxed small feeling'. You remember it very well. It was like...sleeping. You never get bored of being in a deep sleep, so from now on you're not really scared of death.

then.......

You went to jail for drunk driving: So you didn't learn from your death and kept drinking. Got busted behind the wheel completely hammered and told the cops you refused to take a breathalizer. They tossed you in the back of the car, after smacking you around a few times. You spent the night in jail. Had to go to AA. Went 3 times and then quit.

then...

Drunk driving again: Got caught again, but was let off the hook for 'being honest'.

Public urination: jail time. The night before your Big ten tennis championship semi-finals.

Drugs: lots of drugs, the big ones, not on purpose, when your drunk only.

women are the best: daily

I have been accused of thinking I'm a masochonist and therefore doing this coloumn to convince myself, and the few people who read it, that I'm not. The answer to this is to either make this daily more humor oriented which would eventually end up being masochonist, or, ignore the accusation.


Women are the best because I am so busy with work the only time I talk to them is when they pay me to teach them how to play tennis.


I have gone the feel 'sorry for myself' direction for now.

Coulier's blog

How did I let my crew fall out of sync? Does this make me a bad captain. Tomorrow (well in 8 hours, I am not even sure what time it is right now) I am implementing a 9-5 schedule on board. We will wake up every morning to the Canadian National Anthem just like we did back in academy. Plus we have our three month evaluation coming up in 72 hours, so I want my crew to be fresh for this meeting. I want us to project the appearance that we do everything together. The ultimate goal would be if we could finish each other's sentences. To me this is the perfect sign of a gelling unit. One thing I hate is when people try to finish my sentences, but finish them with the wrong words. this happened today with Fred and I. I said, "Fred I can't remember the last time I-" and before I could finish this sentence he said, "cried" but I was going to say "laughed". This really worried me. It reminded me of a martian in Grand City that would stutter and try to finish my sentences but would always be way off. So far from the last word I was looking for that his sentences would make me think he wasn't paying any attention to what I was saying. Right now I feel that if my crew were to try to finish one of my sentences they would intentionally pick a bad word just to make me feel like an idiot, even though they knew the right word.

instant gratification

We are in a time now where if we want something we get it NOW. The times that we do spend waiting are quiet often because too much technology is being used at once. Technological sorting.

Even the processes of maturing, learning, discovering, trial, and error have been replaced with upgrading, processing,loading, profiling and malfunctions.

patience are a virtual virtue.

Women are the best: Daily

Because their imperfections are what make them perfect. My favorite toy growing up was a glow in the dark Shera doll that I left on my night-light for too long. Her face got a slight burn mark which made her even sexier.

SNEEZE ON ME, sneeze on me, SNEEZE ME ON

Sneezing is the new social controversy so I decided to do my homework on it to find out what it's all about. Here is the research on sneezing.

Sneezing: when you spray germs from your face all over the place.

Sneezing masturbation : A sneeze is actually a spasm or rather a miniature orgasm. Some people like to look into the sun or hot lights and have multiple sneezes/orgasms. This is sneezing masturbation.

'The BLESS YOU': every time you sneeze your soul jumps out of your body and becomes susceptible to the devil's hands. If someone isn't around to say 'bless you' then your soul can be captured by the devil and lugged down to hell. There is one other way to avoid this. say 'bless me'.

Sneezing history: Back in the days of yore it was actually impolite not to sneeze on someone after puking at their dinner table after a feast.

Sneezing today: Don't sneeze unless you're wearing a purel mouth filter. Sneezing is so frowned upon now that the 'sleeve sneeze' is the preferred sneeze catch. If you're wearing a short sleeved shirt, sneeze into your pants, and if you're wearing shorts then sneeze into your crotch. If you're wearing a speedo ask you're neighbour politely if you can use their towel, and while you're at it, ask if they can rub sunscreen on your hard to reach back.

Sneezing into the future: It appears that the sneeze is becoming more and more socially unacceptable. This will lead to an underground sneeze movement, in which people will congregate in discrete after-hours garages and warehouses to sneeze on each other and listen to gospel music. These will be called 'cancel out parties' and everyone will leave the same as they came in.

top 5 music groups of the day

5. Frankie goes to Hollywood

4. Psycadellic Furs

3. Tears for Fears

2. The Fine Young Cannibals

1. Peter Gabriel

Women are the best: Daily

Because they look sexy when they cut their hair really short like a boy.

Captain Coulier's captain's blog

Nov. 15th 20008

Location: Deep in the Fanderwol district just a worm hole from sector 3.

Today I raised a serious moral question; is a lie always a bad thing? I say no. Today I lied because I didn't want to talk to my mom on the communicator. It's Sunday and we were in the middle of a constellation when the communicator rang and it was, of course, my mom. I got my co-captain,Fred, to help me fake an invasion to get off the link with her. During the fictious invasion the rest of my crew ran into the cock pit scared and stupified by the event. Of course, they didn't know it was fake so their frantic activity was enough to get mom to hang up. Needless to say they were not pleased, and right away accused me of being a dishonest person. I thought they would think it was funny. But they didn't. Melanie, crew doctor, just scowled at me. Rick, crew photographer, laughed condesendingly, which technically he isn't allowed to do since I am his superior. I tried to explain to them that it was in good taste, and if anything a good thing becuase my mom always ends up feeling horrible when she talks to me because my manuerisms remind her of dad and she hates dad. But the crew didn't seem to care. Even Fred turned on me claiming that I made him do it and that he felt horrible the whole time. I guess that would explain his weak acting. The first thought that went through my head was 'I now know how the boy who cried wolf felt after the second time he cried wolf'. He probably just wanted the town's people to relax and, if anything, thank him for getting some energy in the village (even if it was fake) again. That's all I wanted from my crew; some support and a few laughs maybe. the second thought was; holly smokes they took all of 2 minutes to show up to the cockpit during the ficitous invasion! 2 minutes! and when they arrived Rick claimed to be taking his morning shower, Melanie was finishing dinner, and Iggy was enjoying his midnight snack. We're light years deep in space and my crew is completely out of sync. Two minutes to react to a life and death crisis. Our disconnected biological clocks are killing our chemistry. If we were actually being attacked we'd all be dead by now. Neh-If I wasn't full of shit we'd all be dead. So maybe the town's people/my crew should think less about whether the boy/me are truthful and more about how lucky they are to have a boy who's job it is to call wolf in the first place. As an exploration captain in the year 20008 my job is basically to call wolf, only I don't get to sit on a fence and doze off while counting sheep. I sit on a stool and count stars, wishing a wolf or invader will show up so I can call wolf and it actually mean something. We, as a crew, need to get in sync. Tomorrow I am implementing a schedule. Tonight I hope to count wolf in my sleep.

Captain out: that was the future before I wrote it.

Roomate proverbs

There are 2 types of roommates;


'those that think putting a dish in the sink is cleaning up, and those that think putting a dish in the sink is making a mess'


Con-fusion

top 5 bands of the day

This is a list that is always changing for me, and for you and will be updated daily

5. Tears for Fears

4. The Cars

3. Duran Duran

2. The Police

1. Peter Gabriel

Women are the best: Daily

Because they like to go to Starbucks a lot and I love coffee.

1st Wave Ghostbuster

Ghost do exist. They haunt us. But they aren't like Casper the friendly ghost. Ghosts are memories of past lovers that come back to haunt you at the most unexpected times. 'Just when you least expect it, the least expected' (Pet Shop Boys). For example you're walking in the mall and you catch a hint of a past girlfriend's perfume and a memory Slimer pops up and slimes you. You proceed straight to Manchu Wok for sweet and sour chicken balls and a Nestea; her favorite. These ghosts are hard to escape as we can't trap them in an external vault Ala Benkman and the Ghostbusters. But here now are some 1st wave music remedies for unruly memory haunters. Good Luck!

Guilt Ghouls: Instantly make you think 'I made a mistake, I ruined that, I won't do that again'. Guilt ghouls make you instantly regret what happened and can ruin the next few hours of your day. Remedy: Duran Duran 'Ordinary World' on full blast pronto.

Nostalgia Goblin: the hint of a nostalgia goblin in the air provokes "what could have been, what should have been". Instantly you wish you were back with that sexy troll under a bridge frolicking getting ready to go to a Myer for more frolicks. Remedy: Tears for Fears 'Head over Heels' alone sitting in your car windows up.

The Heebie Geebies : The haunting of a ghost you would never want to encounter again. You get disgusted by the fact that you had a relationship with this ghost. Remedy: Journey 'Don't Stop Believing' full blast and sing along.

learning experiences flying dog (still working on the name): A ghost that makes you proud to have encountered that special someone. It's a warm fuzzy memory that leaves you slightly happier. Increase the buzz: The Never Ending Story and a small bag of sour patch kids.

And remember: You've got the looks, I've got the brains, lets make lots of money.