Forbidden Texting

Disclaimer:
It is unfortunate, but true, that there is a large population of 'cheaters' out there. Majority, married men and women that have to go elsewhere for thier kicks. Where the textperts does NOT advocate cheating or devious and potentially abusive behaviour, we do advocate avodiance of drama. Like in the situation below.

Dear textpert,

I have recently been texting back and forth with a woman I met at a bar named Sally. We met, hit it off, and by the end of the night were embraced in passionate, kinky sex. Immediately after the sex, she mentioned to me that she was married (with a tear in her eye). If this wasn't awkward enough, she told me she didn't like him and wished she'd never gone through with the marriage, claiming it was his idea. Being that she was a very attractive girl, I didn't flip out, but rather told her we could hang out again if she liked (thinking this was the end of our relationship) and sent her on her way. I just got a text message from her asking if I was free to 'talk' on Saturday night. What should I do?

When Texty met Sally

This is a great question. For starters you should evaluate this situation. Do you want to be 'talking' to a married woman about her 'marriage problems'? In this case, I am going to make the assumption, that everyone reading this just did, and say that 'talking' means fucking. In which case do you want to fuck a married woman? Since you've already fucked her once; twice, or three times is something your guilt can handle, I'm sure, but do you want to make a habit of this. I would say don't, but if you're not of my morality I suggest this:

"When texting people in relationships never write anything in text form that you wouldn't want her/his potential psycho partner to read."

Married people have access to each others things, and this quiet often means passwords. Keep all text messages to business style, or at the most covert incredibly clever 'double talk'... example...talking on a staurday night means sex to everyone, so be careful.

The statement Text

When receiving a random statement from someone you consider a possible 'love interest/sexual partner', always respond with a statement.

Just so we're clear, a statement is NOT a question; no "?" mark.

Just like in live action, when you ask a question, it is embarassing to not get an answer.

Answering a statement with a statement shows that you are not necessarily prematurely textjaculating in your pants, sitting waiting for a message. You are simply being a normal human being, engaging in a double sided conversation, rather than a question to question text interview. Asking questions with text messages tetters on desperatation...why not pick up the phone and call them.

The Phantom Text: Scenario

Dear Texperts,

SO I'm kind of in a pickle...I think. I was recently involved in a text message conversation that ended on a weird note. I was at a Raptor's game when I received a text from Julie, a girl I have been on a few dates with. On our dates things were good, and last time we hung out we ended up making out. Anyway, Julie and I were texting back and forth, averaging about 10-15 minutes in between texts, while I was at the game and she was out with her friends. Our discussion was mostly an inside joke regarding how I would be naked at the game, eating junk food and noone would care. It was cute, and went on a little too long. So things got wierd after I sent a "What are you doing later?" text. This was a total change of topic, and I was kind of hoping she would want to hang out. I didn't get another message from her that night. I assumed I had destroyed my relationship with her. But here's the kicker...she texted me today asking how the game was. No mention of the late night text. What should I do

Joel the Messenger


Joel. Don't do anything. The text you sent late last night never happened. If she chooses to bring it up, then you can simply mention you wanted to grab a 'drink' and talk, or something very sophisticated (even though it's obvious to me, and probably her, that you wanted to close a deal). When a text message is not acknowledged by a potential "hook up", then it is a phantom. It doesn't exist, nor did it ever exist....unless the receipient of the text chooses to bring it up.

The Textpert

Premature Texjaculation

Dear Textpert,

I don't know what to do. I met Jennifer at a bar and we seemed to hit it off. It wasn't birds and rainbows or anything, but there was a connection and we exchanged numbers. The next day I texted her, "Hey Jen. Free Friday for drinks and magic markers?" (magic markers being a reference to a conversation we had that night...an inside joke). My text message was met with No response. I almost sent her another message later that day, but didn't. Finally she texted me back.... on Friday afternoon! She wrote me, "lol magic markers are essential. I've been swamped! Tonight doesn't work, but hows next Tuesday?" So I immediately texted her back ,"Sounds great, how are you?". I haven't heard a word from her and it's now Tuesday. Help me textperts. What should I do?

Josh do nothing! This is a case of PREMATURELY TEXTJACULATION!

By responding to her text message immediately you ruined your chances with Jennifer, at least for the time being. Clearly she liked your reference to magic markers in your original text, but was too busy to get back to you... maybe with work, maybe other guys, or maybe she's a little skeptical of you. Nevertheless, by her offering an exact day to hang out next, she is still very much a potential 'take down'. However, when you responded to her text message immediately, you sent the signal that you are a desperate loser who's life is centered around her text messages. Whether this is the case or not, you prematurely texjaculated, and this never goes over well. So for now Josh, file Jennifer under 'love that could have been', and get on with your life. If she likes you she'll text you back. Don't hold your breath.

In the future: Wait at least 8 hours before texting back in a situation such as this one.

Also a side note: Ending a text message with 'how are you?' is a faux paus. It's an uncreative and weak attempt to get a text message conversation going. If you wanted the chance to get a dialogue going you should make a statement. Maybe something comical, or an observation. Either way, if you send a statement, she has no pressure to respond and therefore will feel at easy. Also, if she doesn't respond, at least your not some loser who asked a question and didn't get an answer.


Take your time replying to a text: Yeah we all have our phones glued to our hand. Sure our whole business and livelyhood rests in the in and out boxes of our hand held lap tops, which we check every 3 seconds. Yeah, it is understood that everyone has a phone and is using it daily. Knowing all this, if you respond too fast to a text, you are PREMATURLY TEXTJACULATING. Make people wait. Show them you've got other text messages, conversations, business deals to attend to before you can respond to theirs.

Sincerely,

the textpert

Text message: The unknown enigma

There is nothing more thought provoking then a text message from a phone number that you don't recognize in which the sender hasn't identified themselves with a name, or obvious piece of information. Quite often something along the lines of, "Hey, I'm in town and was wondering what you're doing?" Problem is you don't know who it is, or if you want anything to do with them. It could be the man of your dreams, or the biggest dofus you know. Nevertheless, the number isn't programmed into your phone, probably for a reason such as:

a) you deleted the number from your phone because you don't like the person.
b) you got a new phone and didn't bother bringing thier number over in the 'move'. This ultimately means you can take them or leave them.
c) you never got their number and therefore you either gave them yours or they found it from someone else. This could be someone you're genuinely interested in communicating with.

When receiveing a text message from a number that you're not familiar with, immediately a sense of superiority hits you. You feel as though you have the upper hand in the relationship. Who is this person that I clearly don't care enough about to have them in my phone? I must be better than them. After this sense of gratification hits us it immediately dissappears and quite often a sense of panic or anxiety follows. What if I actually really like this person? I'm going to look like a real asshole if I don't text them back, but I'll look like a bigger a-hole if I don't even know who this is. Or maybe it's a good thing. Maybe it will show them that I'm so important that I'm constantly changing my contact list (because it's too full...if this even makes sense) I need to find out who this is, but saying 'who is this' is a little too forward and beligerent...or is it? I'm being sincere right, or at the very least, honest. Hmmmm....quite often we try to find a clever and creative way of disguising our ignorance... here is a possible answer in which you can appear friendly and business like:

"Hey. Sorry, I just got a new phone and I'm in the process of transfering all my numbers over to this one. Who is this again?"

Take some time before sending this response. At least 10 minutes.

This is your safest bet for not offending them, however, alway expect the other person to get slightly offended by this question.

Good luck and in the future if you give someon your number make sure to also get theirs. That way you can ignore them respectfully.

The phantom text

Phantom text: A text message that is sent but never acknowledged. Sometime we send a text we probably should have thought twice before sending. Maybe it was the wrong time of day, the wrong person, or maybe the conversation was just so done that an extra text was completely uncalled for. Maybe you said the wrong thing, of sent it too quickly. Quite often a text of this nature goes unanswered; yep, a text message that doesn't get a response. This text message becomes a phantom because the next time you see the receipent it is as if the text message was never sent. They don't mention it and neither do you. It is as if this text message never happened...it is a phantom, stuck in your text history and theirs. However, never spoken of or discusssed ever again. However it is a phatom because it is not truely forgotten. It does haunt your chances of ever having sex with the receipent.

The Cat and Mouse text

Cat and Mouse text: When you send a text to someone you know you can 'hook up'; usually someone you've hooked up with in the past. You send them a text message at the beginning of the night(around 7pm-ish). This text simply initiates conversation and gets the ball rolling on a back and forth text conversation. As the night progresses you continue to 'flirt' text back and forth with your mouse, not making any drastic statements or questions. The nature tends to be "What you up to tonight?" , "Where you going to be tonight?". This continues untill you make a diagnosis of how your immediate situation is going to end. Often when playing cat and mouse, it isuncertain of which one of you is the mouse. It isn't always the person who sent the first text....here are some possible ending to a Cat and Mouse scenario:

a) You don't find someone in your proximity to hook up with so you drop a 'be there in 10mins text' to your mouse. This occurs if you have given up on your search for someone in your proximity, usually at the end of the night, and now you want to meet up with your mouse to close the deal. It's not ideal but at least you're 'hooking up'.

b) You actually found someone in your proximity. You thus stop texting your mouse, tell your mouse you'll ttyl, or you ignore the rest of the texts that night and then the next day tell them your phone died.

c) Your mouse finds someone in her proximity, rendering you the mouse.