Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Women are the best: Daily
They are hot when they look like animals. In high school I was in love with a girl that looked like a lion. After high school I was in love with a girl that looked like a monkey. Too bad the ones that love me look like ant-eaters.
My predicitons on future teenage slang words for 2009
SLAM: When they are angry or overhwelmed they just say the word slam. To me the word slam is synonymous with teenage anger. When they don't get what they want, they slam stuff. Doors, books, beer bottles, pumpkins. In the technological future they will not want to slam their cell phones or computers, and doors will all be sliding. Thus SLAM!
example:
Teacher: Angelo go to the principal's office!
Angelo: What!!! SLAM!!!!!!!! SLAM this !!!!!!!
HAPPY: someone who is a loser is 'happy'. In the future the word gay is like the f word and will not be tolerated at all. Since in teenager world, if you are happy for no reason, you are obviously a fag, the word happy will be used to describe someone who teenagers think is gay.
Kevin: yo, look at Fred. He has no friends. I bet you he's happy.
Angelo: Yeah he's so happy he's jolly.
POP: The word pop can go by undeteced in high schools. Going for a pop will be smoking a joint.
Angelo: (whispers to Kevin) Yo let's go for a pop.
Kevin: yeah man. Mr. Rennie? Can I go get a quick drink (laughs to Angelo)
Mr. Rennie: Not right now, you just went for one.
Kevin: What!! SLAM!!!
MOPE: This is what teenager do. Moping around is the way they move. The word mope will be slang for chilling which is slang for hanging out.
Example
Angelo:What are you doing later, you wanna mope?
Kevin: I'll mope. No doubt.
Angelo: Let's mope over to Dave's house, he's got pops.
Kevin: I just grabed a bag of pop.
Kevin and Angelo togehter: SLAM!!!! (in this case slam can also be used as a good thing)
I have a million more,,, but have to go back to work.
example:
Teacher: Angelo go to the principal's office!
Angelo: What!!! SLAM!!!!!!!! SLAM this !!!!!!!
HAPPY: someone who is a loser is 'happy'. In the future the word gay is like the f word and will not be tolerated at all. Since in teenager world, if you are happy for no reason, you are obviously a fag, the word happy will be used to describe someone who teenagers think is gay.
Kevin: yo, look at Fred. He has no friends. I bet you he's happy.
Angelo: Yeah he's so happy he's jolly.
POP: The word pop can go by undeteced in high schools. Going for a pop will be smoking a joint.
Angelo: (whispers to Kevin) Yo let's go for a pop.
Kevin: yeah man. Mr. Rennie? Can I go get a quick drink (laughs to Angelo)
Mr. Rennie: Not right now, you just went for one.
Kevin: What!! SLAM!!!
MOPE: This is what teenager do. Moping around is the way they move. The word mope will be slang for chilling which is slang for hanging out.
Example
Angelo:What are you doing later, you wanna mope?
Kevin: I'll mope. No doubt.
Angelo: Let's mope over to Dave's house, he's got pops.
Kevin: I just grabed a bag of pop.
Kevin and Angelo togehter: SLAM!!!! (in this case slam can also be used as a good thing)
I have a million more,,, but have to go back to work.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Captain Coulier's blog
My crew and I have been on the exotic sex planet Puregoldia for over a year now. From 40 miles away the planet looks like a pink gumball floating in a cloud of fundip. On the planet one learns that is it scattered with exotic women and men who want nothing more than to please their visitors. I am more interested in the exotic women of course. This planet is incredibly fascinating. Immediately upon our arrival we were approached by vixens and sexy aliens. In fact we hadn't even had a chance to unpack our bags. I still haven't unpacked some of my stuff. The sexpots claimed us as their visitors and swore that their goal until our departure was to satisfy our every need. This of course meant sexually but I was one step ahead and knew they meant that. Then again I am always trying to score even when I'm approached by a nonsexual ugly alien on any planet in this galaxy. In those situations I'll just get to the point where I know I have it if I want it and then I'll Houdini on them. On this planet, my sexual urges, are reciprocated which I find great. Since we arrived I haven't been able to get any exploring done. Just seeing sexy vixens walking around naked makes me so warm and tingley that I can't concentrate. But most of all it's my host Sue. She is at least a 14 out of 10. She is absolutely perfect in every way. Her hair is constantly changing colour. When I'm in a bad mood she has beautiful shinny blond locks that brighten my day and smell like sunflowers. When I am feeling confident her hair turns jet black and begs me to twist it around my hand and pull it (gently). When I'm neutral it's brown, when I'm frisky it's red, when I'm tired it's purple, when I'm high it's blue, and when I'm stoned it's green. Her body type is always changing but is never unattractive and her clothing is always themed and the sexy version. Like when we landed she was a sexy school girl and after being here for a year she has been through just about every profession. Yesterday she showed up to my quarters dressed as a sexy cognitive therapist. She is also a total genius. She is funny and has directed plays. No award but plenty of official selections and honorable mentions, which are subjectively better right? She hates sarcasm, but only because it's too easy. She smiles when I smile and when I don't smile she 'cute smiles'. She has that smell that pure girls have. The best way to describe it is to say she has that female thigh scent. She smells like a bed made out of really sexy female thighs. She loves getting drunk and can roll joints with the best of them. she hates cuddling, and is actually attracted to premature ejaculators. She proof reads and grammar checks all my captain's blogs (except this one), and she loves running to get me coffee in the morning. Everything is great, but I can't help but wonder why the last explorer left her. Why would any man leave such an amazing woman? Is it because she is so perfect? No. because when I told her I thought she was too perfect she immediately farted which is something perfect women don't do. That was probably the cutest thing I have seen since we came here to be honest. I need to leave here. As much as I enjoy her company, I can't get anything accomplished with her around. Or have I accomplished everything simply by being with her? What a tough question. I bet she knows the answer, but I'm not going to ask her. I'd rather die trying to find the answer to the question then ask her. In fact I think I am going to change this blog around to make it sound like co-captain Fred's blog. I'll tell her I found it and ask her to analysis it. She's a sexy cognitive therapist, let's see if she can find the double talk and intrinsic motivation. Wait. She'll know it's mine because I already told her I think it's funny when she farts. Maybe I can substitute the farts with burping. But burping is actually a lot grosser. Should I risk it? Man so many tough questions.
Debit Card Etiquette
The life of Debit
waiter: Umm , (rolls eyes) if you have to pay debit, you need to come all the way to the front.
customer: Uhhhhh...I have to because I don't have cash.
waiter: Fine. Whatever.
Debit card Etiquette
1. huge lines: When there is a long line you are adding to the problem if you use debit. Why do you think Tim Horton's doesn't do debit? Mind you, I bet if you timed it, it is quicker to swipe debit and get out of there then to shovel around in your skinny jeans for quarters and then wait for some teenager to count your change.
2. under 5 dollar rule: if you use debit for a purchase under 5 dollars you got problems. I do it every now and then and end up apologizing profusely to everyone around me.
3. restaurant "to the front" walk of shame: not all dining establishments have the portable debit machines just yet. Thus customers are forced to walk to the front of the restaurant in order to pay with debit. I have no idea why restaurants keep their debit machine at the front. Maybe it's to use it as a shield if they ever get robbed. Nevertheless, the walk of shame is embarrassing. Everyone in the restaurant will watch you, the waiter will roll her eyes, and you will have to tip more even though you had to walk.
4. adding a tip: There's nothing worse than the awkward moment after the receipt prints out where the waiter gets to read what you tipped. This moment gives them time to decided whether they will say goodbye to you or not.
5. service charges: The sketchier the location the higher the service charge. I was at a brothel/strip club in Woodbridge (@ 3 in the morning) and obviously was running low on cash. Went to the ATM machine and the service charge was 15 dollars. When in Rome.
6. debit card in the drive thru: You feel like you're in a 'Dennis the menace' cartoon when the debit machine extension cord is stretched to its full capacity in order to reach the passenger in shotgun. Simply letting go of the portable hand held device will whip it back and knock out everyone in restaurant. Don't grab any greasy fries before you enter your pin; you might kill someone in line.
7. A poor man's Visa: Why aren't you collecting points? Does someone have to ask you every day if you are collecting points? Do you have an optimum card yet? Jesus! collect points OK. Avion points are nex'shit.
8. A phantom receipt: When someone leaves a receipt in the print out slot it is instinctual to check how much money they took out and how much they have left. This is to compare yourself and the transaction your about to make in order to fuel your ego.
9. Ripping the sticker off of a fresh card: Calling the 14 digit number and confirming makes you feel like you're starting new. Having a brand new debit card is like getting a new pair of shoes. For about a week you do everything to keep'em clean, but after one stain your using them to crush stuff up.
1o. Doing it yourself: The pressure is on. when you have to sweep your own card and do all the number punching you will always stripe the wrong way first. It is always the other way.
11. The emergency receipt condom: If your card is not working it is imperative that the cashier attempt to stripe it with a receipt over the stripe. That thin piece of paper makes all the difference, and if you don't believe me, you're an idiot.
waiter: Umm , (rolls eyes) if you have to pay debit, you need to come all the way to the front.
customer: Uhhhhh...I have to because I don't have cash.
waiter: Fine. Whatever.
Debit card Etiquette
1. huge lines: When there is a long line you are adding to the problem if you use debit. Why do you think Tim Horton's doesn't do debit? Mind you, I bet if you timed it, it is quicker to swipe debit and get out of there then to shovel around in your skinny jeans for quarters and then wait for some teenager to count your change.
2. under 5 dollar rule: if you use debit for a purchase under 5 dollars you got problems. I do it every now and then and end up apologizing profusely to everyone around me.
3. restaurant "to the front" walk of shame: not all dining establishments have the portable debit machines just yet. Thus customers are forced to walk to the front of the restaurant in order to pay with debit. I have no idea why restaurants keep their debit machine at the front. Maybe it's to use it as a shield if they ever get robbed. Nevertheless, the walk of shame is embarrassing. Everyone in the restaurant will watch you, the waiter will roll her eyes, and you will have to tip more even though you had to walk.
4. adding a tip: There's nothing worse than the awkward moment after the receipt prints out where the waiter gets to read what you tipped. This moment gives them time to decided whether they will say goodbye to you or not.
5. service charges: The sketchier the location the higher the service charge. I was at a brothel/strip club in Woodbridge (@ 3 in the morning) and obviously was running low on cash. Went to the ATM machine and the service charge was 15 dollars. When in Rome.
6. debit card in the drive thru: You feel like you're in a 'Dennis the menace' cartoon when the debit machine extension cord is stretched to its full capacity in order to reach the passenger in shotgun. Simply letting go of the portable hand held device will whip it back and knock out everyone in restaurant. Don't grab any greasy fries before you enter your pin; you might kill someone in line.
7. A poor man's Visa: Why aren't you collecting points? Does someone have to ask you every day if you are collecting points? Do you have an optimum card yet? Jesus! collect points OK. Avion points are nex'shit.
8. A phantom receipt: When someone leaves a receipt in the print out slot it is instinctual to check how much money they took out and how much they have left. This is to compare yourself and the transaction your about to make in order to fuel your ego.
9. Ripping the sticker off of a fresh card: Calling the 14 digit number and confirming makes you feel like you're starting new. Having a brand new debit card is like getting a new pair of shoes. For about a week you do everything to keep'em clean, but after one stain your using them to crush stuff up.
1o. Doing it yourself: The pressure is on. when you have to sweep your own card and do all the number punching you will always stripe the wrong way first. It is always the other way.
11. The emergency receipt condom: If your card is not working it is imperative that the cashier attempt to stripe it with a receipt over the stripe. That thin piece of paper makes all the difference, and if you don't believe me, you're an idiot.
Monday, December 1, 2008
the Art of the Houdini
Houdini: Someone who goes to parties, gets really wasted, and then just dissappears. Consistently. They do this so much that everyone assumes they are OK when they dissappear.
Why do you pull a Houdini? I think it has to do with sudden drunk urges that pop up when you're completely hammered. Like the sudden overwhelming urge to eat something. A Houdini usually drinks way too fast. They are walking around as a normal person, but then all of a sudden the alcohol hits them all at once. At this moment everything becomes a blur almost instantly and they transform into a monster. As I try to write this blog, I have difficulty, because as much as I try to rememeber what was going through my head every time I Houdinied, I can't. Everytime I did something incredibly stupid, or hurt someone's feelings while in Houdini mood, I have to take their word for it, because I don't remember doing it. So. Houdini's are instantly completely hammered, and right when this happens primitive urges take over their brains. Also, usually Houdini is so hammered that they are unaware of their surroundings. They are basically inside out. They have no new thoughts, just old ones that keep circulating through their drunk heads, and possibly rolling out of their mouths to their unawareness. They are cavemen. Hunger: get me food now. Sex: call all numbers now. Shelter: sleep now. Quite often the Houdini can just walk right out of the party because people are so into thier own drunk worlds that they don't notice. Only rarely do they have to sneak out.
example of a Houdini's I have pulled
New Years 2002: @ Lobby bar in Toronto. Open bar. I drove down to Toronto and was going to stay at a friends house. Was drinking and had a great time until I had to go to the bathroom. I remember leaving my drink on a communial table as there were no drinks allowed in the bathroom area. Black out. Woke up at home (Oakville) and my car was still in Toronto. I had a huge rip in my jacket....found out later on that I got thrown out of Lobby, slapped a few times, and ripped my own jacket. I think someone put something in my drink, or I grabbed the wrong drink, because that night was a mysterious Houdini. Primitive urge: sex=slaps. next.... fights=kicked out...finally sleep=Oakville. (might have had some food, probably did, but don't remember)
Why do you pull a Houdini? I think it has to do with sudden drunk urges that pop up when you're completely hammered. Like the sudden overwhelming urge to eat something. A Houdini usually drinks way too fast. They are walking around as a normal person, but then all of a sudden the alcohol hits them all at once. At this moment everything becomes a blur almost instantly and they transform into a monster. As I try to write this blog, I have difficulty, because as much as I try to rememeber what was going through my head every time I Houdinied, I can't. Everytime I did something incredibly stupid, or hurt someone's feelings while in Houdini mood, I have to take their word for it, because I don't remember doing it. So. Houdini's are instantly completely hammered, and right when this happens primitive urges take over their brains. Also, usually Houdini is so hammered that they are unaware of their surroundings. They are basically inside out. They have no new thoughts, just old ones that keep circulating through their drunk heads, and possibly rolling out of their mouths to their unawareness. They are cavemen. Hunger: get me food now. Sex: call all numbers now. Shelter: sleep now. Quite often the Houdini can just walk right out of the party because people are so into thier own drunk worlds that they don't notice. Only rarely do they have to sneak out.
example of a Houdini's I have pulled
New Years 2002: @ Lobby bar in Toronto. Open bar. I drove down to Toronto and was going to stay at a friends house. Was drinking and had a great time until I had to go to the bathroom. I remember leaving my drink on a communial table as there were no drinks allowed in the bathroom area. Black out. Woke up at home (Oakville) and my car was still in Toronto. I had a huge rip in my jacket....found out later on that I got thrown out of Lobby, slapped a few times, and ripped my own jacket. I think someone put something in my drink, or I grabbed the wrong drink, because that night was a mysterious Houdini. Primitive urge: sex=slaps. next.... fights=kicked out...finally sleep=Oakville. (might have had some food, probably did, but don't remember)
Women are the best: Daliy
Because they look so sexy in school uniforms that the school boards are constantly changing the wardrobe to de-sex-ify them.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
