Captain Coulier's blog :Key party

I just got back from a key party. Actually I got kicked out. I had no clue that key party-goers where so serious about the rules. The rules to a key party, as far as I'm concerned, are simple; Men bring their keys and a date (female). Upon arrival men drop their keys in 'the jar' and as the night unfolds whenever a women wants to leave she grabs a pair of keys. Whomever the key belong to takes the woman home. Therefore, every man comes with a date but doesn't necessarily go home with that date. Tonight, I brought a date (she was a 6), who I really had no interest in sleeping with, so it was no hair off my back either way. The party started fun and, of course, I did a quick count to make sure every one was garanteed a date home. To my disbelief there was an odd number! Panic consumed my body as I imagined going home alone. As the night got deeper and the anticipation grew, I saw many of the sexier women leaving with guys I didn't even know. Was I going to go home empty handed to my empty hand? Not on my watch. Being the detective I am, I noticed a similarity in all the keys that belonged to these geeks; no key chains! My key set had a stress ball key chain. A rather big one. I contemplated whether or not woman interpreted this stress ball as a sexually frustrated stress ball and they didn't choose it because they figured I didn't get any and thus was resorting to a key social to get laid. But remembered that they can't read minds. However, I soon realized my problem. Gravity! The stressball is heavy, and just by gravity the key chain had moved its way to the bottom of the jar as the clock ticked. I was going to go home alone if I didn't move those keys to the top of the jar. I had to move quick and unsespected. I didn't want people to think I was manipulating the keys. After we toasted to life and liberty everyone decided to skinny dip in the pool. This was a perfect opportunity. I snuck inside and fished down into the jar quickly slipping the stress ball off. It was at this instance that the bomb shell Jennifer Malaway and her friend Maria came to grab a set of keys. Jennifer was freshly toweled off and obviously too horny to hang around the party. I quickly removed my hand. I had slipped the key chain off of my keys but didn't have the chance to remove it from the jar. My key-chain-less keys sat on the top of the pile and my stress ball at the bottom. Nevertheless, I perched up by the door like a dog ready for a walk as Jennifer reached her hand into the jar. Low and behold she grabbed my keys! She rattled them to the party. There was a silence through out the party as no one recognized the keys. So as not to look to eager, I glanced over saw the keys and remarked, "Oh those are mine, I guess". Jennifer smiled at me as I grabbed my jacket and opened the front door ready to take her home for some keyless entry. But of course just as we were leaving Jennifer's goofy friend Maria puts her hand in the jar and grabs the stress ball. Again silence fell over the crowd, but this time it landed on me. What was I to do? I acted as if it wasn't mine, and merged my silence with the parties silence, until the host entered the room.
"That's Coulier's stress ball".
At this point it was as if the party morphed into one big silent eyeball and rolled towards me like the bolder in Indiana Jones.
"Ummm...yeah that's mine, I guess it fell off in the jar.". Of course no one believed this.
"Did you bring two sets of keys to a key party Coulier?" She asked me slooowwwlly.
"No"
The party didn't even budge. They just waited for my explanation. Assholes.
"The damn key chain was weighing down my keys, and I was worried that I wasn't going to get picked so I took the key chain off, and was going to take it out of the jar, so that I would only have one set in there, but she came towards me and I got nervous becuase I didn't want to look like I was tampering with the keys, so I left it in. I was going to take it out."
The eye bolder flatted me.
"I would never cheat at a key party! Come on! there's only 23 people here anyway give me a break! "
No sympathy. Jennifer just opened the door for me and pointed to leave. Alone.

I left the party and drove home. I guess I have to be somewhat positive. I did learn a lesson. The next time I go to a key party, I will leave my key chain at home. Mind you this will be a lot easier now considering I forgot it at the party. And I need that stress ball now more than ever.