10. 'Pizza'
9. 'Mr. McGillicuty'
8. 'Lucia'
7. 'Be-bop'
6. 'Jeremy'
5. 'Roastbeef'
4. 'Latin'
3. 'Harold' - if they're fat.
2. 'Bricklayer'
1. 'Hotdog'
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
TEXT MESSAGE TIME BALANCE
The Text message time balance : When time* between text messages is being matched consistently by both sides of the conversation.
When you take 2 hours to text someone back, and then they take 2 hours to text you back. If you both maintain the approx. 2 hour rule, the text power stays balanced, and both parties can communicate freely and happily.
* best when time is over 1 hour. This gives both sides time to take the text message in without feeling the pressure that they need to be quick, clever and respectful right away.
When you take 2 hours to text someone back, and then they take 2 hours to text you back. If you both maintain the approx. 2 hour rule, the text power stays balanced, and both parties can communicate freely and happily.
* best when time is over 1 hour. This gives both sides time to take the text message in without feeling the pressure that they need to be quick, clever and respectful right away.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Texting: Pre Dating
TEXT Pre -DATING: When you engage in text message conversations with someone you have yet to go on a date with. Text pre-dating occurs usually after exchanging numbers. The ultimate goal is to get a face to face date.
Quite often in the early development stages of a relationship potential partners have to partake in 'text pre-dating'. When partaking in this routine it is important to understand that Text dating is usually about what isn't being written. Here are some other variables that effect how someone interprets a text message.
Time in between texts: The less time in between texts, the less that person is doing at the moment. If you receive a text message immediately after sending it, you also read that the person is not doing anything, and very invested in your current conversation. Giving you all your attention.
Time of day text is sent: Before lunch, is wierd. After 10pm is a booty text. During the day, usually business, or flirts.
Amount of questions asked in the text: too many questions should just be a phone call. Text messages just be short, cute and sweet...questions appear like you are trying to keep the conversation going.
Spelling: Using bad spelling is okay, but if it's too 'text language' you can come across as immature, or a text slut (someone who is always texting everyone)
Length of text: too long is sketchy. Too short is dismissive.
emoticons: too many is nervous or fake. Best to limit yourself to a wink or a smiley face.
Quite often in the early development stages of a relationship potential partners have to partake in 'text pre-dating'. When partaking in this routine it is important to understand that Text dating is usually about what isn't being written. Here are some other variables that effect how someone interprets a text message.
Time in between texts: The less time in between texts, the less that person is doing at the moment. If you receive a text message immediately after sending it, you also read that the person is not doing anything, and very invested in your current conversation. Giving you all your attention.
Time of day text is sent: Before lunch, is wierd. After 10pm is a booty text. During the day, usually business, or flirts.
Amount of questions asked in the text: too many questions should just be a phone call. Text messages just be short, cute and sweet...questions appear like you are trying to keep the conversation going.
Spelling: Using bad spelling is okay, but if it's too 'text language' you can come across as immature, or a text slut (someone who is always texting everyone)
Length of text: too long is sketchy. Too short is dismissive.
emoticons: too many is nervous or fake. Best to limit yourself to a wink or a smiley face.
Thought.
I had a woman tell me I have a big penis the other day. I was taken aback by this because it was the first time anyone has ever told me that. I even spent the next few days telling myself I have a big penis.
I looked at it a few times in the mirror, just to make sure...
I have to think her opinion is somewhat valid seeing as she was a woman in the sense that she was over 34. She must have seen a lot of penises in her life, so I figure she must have a vast array of others to compare with. Clearly I am above her average which is made up of more numbers than a younger girl's average.
I don't know... all I know is I think it's better to have an old woman rather than some twenty year old tell you you have big junk. Regardless if it's true or not.
I looked at it a few times in the mirror, just to make sure...
I have to think her opinion is somewhat valid seeing as she was a woman in the sense that she was over 34. She must have seen a lot of penises in her life, so I figure she must have a vast array of others to compare with. Clearly I am above her average which is made up of more numbers than a younger girl's average.
I don't know... all I know is I think it's better to have an old woman rather than some twenty year old tell you you have big junk. Regardless if it's true or not.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
No one 'didn't get your text'
Technical Ettiquette.
Coming up on 2010, it is finally clear that we live in a time where text messages, emails, phone calls, and voicemails don't get lost. There is no cyber graveyard where lost messages end up. In the late 90's early 2000's, it was common place for people to deny receiving a message by claiming they 'didn't get it'. This excuse has been proven fictious almost 100% of the time now, and thus, is a dated excuse. If someone tells you they didn't get your message, but your phone or computer clearly states otherwise, then chances are they got it and are lying about not getting it. The same applies to phone calls and voicemails. However, it is not yet appropriate to argue with someone who claims they never received the message. Best thing to do is to check your message history, possibly show it to them, and move on, now suspicious of the person.
NOW, quiet often we received messages that we do not want to respond to, and thus, don't. Where doing this may feel good at the time, it can come back to bite us; especially if we bump into the person who sent the message.
The reason for not texting them back could be a number of things; you're trying to avoid them, you forgot to text them back, you just didn't get around to it yet, etc... nevertheless, chances are texting them back hasn't surfaced as one of your priorites.
How not to look like an A-hole when you bump into someone who has been texting you but you DON'T want to text back.
When you bump into a person who has been texting you, but you haven't been texting back, it is important not to discuss the texts. Approach the situation with an over zealous and excited attitude; you're excited to see them! Make sure to find new topics, possibly the weather or something in your immediate surroundings, that can be easily discussed without having to take silence breaks (these are openings for them to bring up the unanswered texts). While engaging in this conversation, look for times to drop statements that hint that you've been super busy recently. This conversation will not only keep the person distracted because they have to talk about the topic at hand, but will also explain why you haven't gotten around to texting them back. Ultimately, your goal is to control the conversation by keeping it immediate and up beat. At worst, this tactic will puzzle the person who has been texting you, as well as temporarily relieve them of the embarassement they are experiencing. Also the fact that you appear happy to see them makes up for the 'no response'. If they bring up the fact that you haven't been texting them back, simply reply that you aren't a reliable texter, and a bunch of your other friends are mad at you for that as well. Make a joke of it, and be on your way.
Coming up on 2010, it is finally clear that we live in a time where text messages, emails, phone calls, and voicemails don't get lost. There is no cyber graveyard where lost messages end up. In the late 90's early 2000's, it was common place for people to deny receiving a message by claiming they 'didn't get it'. This excuse has been proven fictious almost 100% of the time now, and thus, is a dated excuse. If someone tells you they didn't get your message, but your phone or computer clearly states otherwise, then chances are they got it and are lying about not getting it. The same applies to phone calls and voicemails. However, it is not yet appropriate to argue with someone who claims they never received the message. Best thing to do is to check your message history, possibly show it to them, and move on, now suspicious of the person.
NOW, quiet often we received messages that we do not want to respond to, and thus, don't. Where doing this may feel good at the time, it can come back to bite us; especially if we bump into the person who sent the message.
The reason for not texting them back could be a number of things; you're trying to avoid them, you forgot to text them back, you just didn't get around to it yet, etc... nevertheless, chances are texting them back hasn't surfaced as one of your priorites.
How not to look like an A-hole when you bump into someone who has been texting you but you DON'T want to text back.
When you bump into a person who has been texting you, but you haven't been texting back, it is important not to discuss the texts. Approach the situation with an over zealous and excited attitude; you're excited to see them! Make sure to find new topics, possibly the weather or something in your immediate surroundings, that can be easily discussed without having to take silence breaks (these are openings for them to bring up the unanswered texts). While engaging in this conversation, look for times to drop statements that hint that you've been super busy recently. This conversation will not only keep the person distracted because they have to talk about the topic at hand, but will also explain why you haven't gotten around to texting them back. Ultimately, your goal is to control the conversation by keeping it immediate and up beat. At worst, this tactic will puzzle the person who has been texting you, as well as temporarily relieve them of the embarassement they are experiencing. Also the fact that you appear happy to see them makes up for the 'no response'. If they bring up the fact that you haven't been texting them back, simply reply that you aren't a reliable texter, and a bunch of your other friends are mad at you for that as well. Make a joke of it, and be on your way.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Textpert: Never Given Sunday
Never text on Sunday afternoons
In the dating world, it is understood that Saturday night is for having sex. We all act like we are having sex, if not all the time, at the very least on Saturday nights. It is unattracted to not be getting laid, and as far the sex world goes, Saturday night is the main event. Of course, majority are not getting laid, but that doesn't mean they can't make it look like they are.
Think about it...
If you are up early (on Sunday early is before 3pm) on a Sunday texting, questions arise about your Saturday night. After a Saturday night, why isn't she still sleeping? I wonder if she even went out last night? Looks like she didn't have a good Saturday night if she's up flirting on Sunday morning...Sunday morning is for recovering, for bathing in the glory of your sexual escaped from Thursday through to Saturday night, not flirting.
A Sunday afternoon text, can suggest:
You didn't go out on Saturday night and are now up early and fresh on a Sunday. This isn't a good thing because in the dating/hunting world, a good hunter is tired on Sundays because of a fun filled Saturday night.
Therefore...
You aren't satisfied with your sex life. You clearly aren't laying in bed with someone else if you are sending out a Sunday afternoon text to 'grab a drink next week". You didn't catch a mouse this weekend and that's so you're sending out a text to help the next week. Thus, all this makes you seem desperate and suggests you aren't fun.
Moral: If you have to send out a dating related text on a Sunday, save it for after 6pm.
If someone texts you on a Sunday afternoon (before 6pm), wait till late that evening to text them back.
* If you hooked up with some one that Saturday night and are not with them on Sunday afternoon, you can send them a text...just kept it cute, funny and small.
the textpert ;(
In the dating world, it is understood that Saturday night is for having sex. We all act like we are having sex, if not all the time, at the very least on Saturday nights. It is unattracted to not be getting laid, and as far the sex world goes, Saturday night is the main event. Of course, majority are not getting laid, but that doesn't mean they can't make it look like they are.
Think about it...
If you are up early (on Sunday early is before 3pm) on a Sunday texting, questions arise about your Saturday night. After a Saturday night, why isn't she still sleeping? I wonder if she even went out last night? Looks like she didn't have a good Saturday night if she's up flirting on Sunday morning...Sunday morning is for recovering, for bathing in the glory of your sexual escaped from Thursday through to Saturday night, not flirting.
A Sunday afternoon text, can suggest:
You didn't go out on Saturday night and are now up early and fresh on a Sunday. This isn't a good thing because in the dating/hunting world, a good hunter is tired on Sundays because of a fun filled Saturday night.
Therefore...
You aren't satisfied with your sex life. You clearly aren't laying in bed with someone else if you are sending out a Sunday afternoon text to 'grab a drink next week". You didn't catch a mouse this weekend and that's so you're sending out a text to help the next week. Thus, all this makes you seem desperate and suggests you aren't fun.
Moral: If you have to send out a dating related text on a Sunday, save it for after 6pm.
If someone texts you on a Sunday afternoon (before 6pm), wait till late that evening to text them back.
* If you hooked up with some one that Saturday night and are not with them on Sunday afternoon, you can send them a text...just kept it cute, funny and small.
the textpert ;(
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Texpert Quick Tip
If you call someone and they text you back, chances are they don't want to talk to you.
Text: Saw that you called, what's up? --- this person isn't interested in 'what you're up to'.
Text: Saw that you called, what's up? --- this person isn't interested in 'what you're up to'.
Friday, October 16, 2009
The case of the delayed response: how long is too long?
Dear Texpert,
Where to begin. I just got the first text message today, from a girl I messaged over a month ago!
A month ago, I met Sharry at a bar and got her phone number. We promised drinks the following week someday. I text her two days later, claiming it was great meeting her and I think Tuesday would be a good day next week for drinks. No word. Nothing. Not even a 'K'. I contemplated texting her again, mainly because of how intriguing and smooth our conversation had been during our encounter, but I didn't. So nothing, not a response... Tuesday passes....and 2 weeks later, one evening, I decide to send her a text message with good bait: 'Come meet me here I can get you in for free'. Again, not a word...so a bit more than a month since my initial text to sharry, I decide to delete her number from my phone, mainly just so I wouldn't drunk dial her by mistake one late night. Then out of nowhere I get a text message from a number I don't recognize
Hey. Sorry for delayed response! How have you been -Sharry.
It's been over a month. Do I let her get away with this? I can't even rememeber if I really really liked her. Thoughts textpert?
Fragile Fingers
Fragile,
Thanks for this case. It is actually a very rare situation. First, I must say it appears that you are not a texting rookie, as you haven't really broken any of the 'unwritten rules' of text messaging which most people break in the first month. My only red light is that she might have been upset with you for offer to get drinks (some women think drinks means you just want to sleep with them and an offer to eat dinner means there might be a spark in the air), but it's unlikely. your bait and switch was nicely timed. In this case I would send her a text back. You don't know Sharry all that well, except for, what you call, a great night together. She could have been dumping her boyfriend, getting over a serious personal issue, someone could have died, the list goes on. A thing to note: Time heals wounds but it also opens them. If none of the above apply, who knows... she might have looked back over her month, and rememebered that one of the hardest laughs she had was with you. Or maybe yours was one of the more interesting conversations she had lately, and she was reminded of it. Nevertheless, for some one to take that long and still text you back, it seems like they might be interested in 'sex' with you. Send her a text, playfully joking about how long it's been, and ask the same question back that she asked you. This way you're being nice, and playing the relationship at the level she has established; "a hi, how are you stage?". If she had texted something sexual, then you can play on a sexual stage. I would let her command the text relationship for the next while. This will send the message that you have moved on, and she is trying to bring you back, but you do rememeber her 'good demenour'. It will also help you save face: that way you don't look desperate.
Other than that, seems like this is the beginning of a 'fun' case.. please keep me posted on how it advances...
Textpert
Where to begin. I just got the first text message today, from a girl I messaged over a month ago!
A month ago, I met Sharry at a bar and got her phone number. We promised drinks the following week someday. I text her two days later, claiming it was great meeting her and I think Tuesday would be a good day next week for drinks. No word. Nothing. Not even a 'K'. I contemplated texting her again, mainly because of how intriguing and smooth our conversation had been during our encounter, but I didn't. So nothing, not a response... Tuesday passes....and 2 weeks later, one evening, I decide to send her a text message with good bait: 'Come meet me here I can get you in for free'. Again, not a word...so a bit more than a month since my initial text to sharry, I decide to delete her number from my phone, mainly just so I wouldn't drunk dial her by mistake one late night. Then out of nowhere I get a text message from a number I don't recognize
Hey. Sorry for delayed response! How have you been -Sharry.
It's been over a month. Do I let her get away with this? I can't even rememeber if I really really liked her. Thoughts textpert?
Fragile Fingers
Fragile,
Thanks for this case. It is actually a very rare situation. First, I must say it appears that you are not a texting rookie, as you haven't really broken any of the 'unwritten rules' of text messaging which most people break in the first month. My only red light is that she might have been upset with you for offer to get drinks (some women think drinks means you just want to sleep with them and an offer to eat dinner means there might be a spark in the air), but it's unlikely. your bait and switch was nicely timed. In this case I would send her a text back. You don't know Sharry all that well, except for, what you call, a great night together. She could have been dumping her boyfriend, getting over a serious personal issue, someone could have died, the list goes on. A thing to note: Time heals wounds but it also opens them. If none of the above apply, who knows... she might have looked back over her month, and rememebered that one of the hardest laughs she had was with you. Or maybe yours was one of the more interesting conversations she had lately, and she was reminded of it. Nevertheless, for some one to take that long and still text you back, it seems like they might be interested in 'sex' with you. Send her a text, playfully joking about how long it's been, and ask the same question back that she asked you. This way you're being nice, and playing the relationship at the level she has established; "a hi, how are you stage?". If she had texted something sexual, then you can play on a sexual stage. I would let her command the text relationship for the next while. This will send the message that you have moved on, and she is trying to bring you back, but you do rememeber her 'good demenour'. It will also help you save face: that way you don't look desperate.
Other than that, seems like this is the beginning of a 'fun' case.. please keep me posted on how it advances...
Textpert
TEXT LIMBO
Text Limbo: A time when it's inappropriate to send someone a text. Usually occurs when the appropriate amount of time in between text messages has been surpassed to the point where responding to the last text would be 'too late'. This can result in text limbo, as you generally don't want to send another text if your last text has gone unanswered (2 texts in a row can be seen as creepy). You are now in a state of limbo, waiting for the other party to text you because it is invasive of you to text twice in a row.
example
Text sent: What are you up to tonight?
3days later and still no text response. This text is dead. For you to send another text would be the equivalent of calling someone back after they didn't respond to your voicemail.
When do you know you're in text limbo:
No text messages are being sent back and forth, nor is there any communication, however there might be a desire to text back and forth by both parties. It would be weird, or intrusive, for you to send them another text message because this would probably mean that you are sending two text messages in a row. On the other hand, one party may be waiting to see if the other will send two texts in a row, because this shows that the person really cares. Nevertheless, stubbornness and ego play a huge factor...who's going to crumble first?
Text limbo usually occurs if:
a) A text message conversation that has been ending in questions, is abruptly ended when someone sends a statement. This reliefs the receiver of the statement text of any responsibility to respond because they don't have a question to answer. The more time passes after an unanswered statement, the deeper text limbo gets. example
Text sent: What are you up to tonight?
3days later and still no text response. This text is dead. For you to send another text would be the equivalent of calling someone back after they didn't respond to your voicemail.
When do you know you're in text limbo:
No text messages are being sent back and forth, nor is there any communication, however there might be a desire to text back and forth by both parties. It would be weird, or intrusive, for you to send them another text message because this would probably mean that you are sending two text messages in a row. On the other hand, one party may be waiting to see if the other will send two texts in a row, because this shows that the person really cares. Nevertheless, stubbornness and ego play a huge factor...who's going to crumble first?
Text limbo usually occurs if:
b) A "K factor" is dropped. It is an unwritten rule that once the 'k factor' (someone simply texts the letter K) has been dropped it is invasive to respond. 'K' means this conversation is over, until I see you, we talk on the phone, or I decide to text you.
c) A potentially awkward or inappropriate text has been sent and not responded to in over 24 hours (minimum). This is quite often a drunk text, or a text sent at an inappropriate time of day, or a text pertaining to the immediate time in which case answering 24 hours later wouldn't make sense.
d) Someone doesn't respond to a text message for over 3 days.
Text limbo is not a comfortable place to be. However, respecting text limbo, and accepting the fact that the ball is not in your court, shows that you are, at the very least, not a creep.
Ways to break text limbo
The bait and switch: The promise of a great location/party is a strong enough reason to send a 2nd text (in a row) inviting the person to join you.
Wait it out: sit back and wait. If it's meant to be, they'll text you eventually. I once waited 2 weeks. Just make sure you don't prematurely texjaculate. If they took a long time, you take your time.
Warning: below is for Risk takers
text gambling: You can send a second text, or even a third... time in between is important. Don't do them all at once. Also the key with text gambling is accepting the fact that you're probably not going to win. Have fun with text gambles, and if they aren't responded to, make them funny statements.
Call them: Just call them, and expect to leave a message. Be funny, and don't mention the fact that they didn't reply to your text... possibly a word of mouth bait and switch.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Texpert in the Feild
Here is a text battle that I was called into recently. This whole conversation was over text messages. I provided my aid to a friend who was in need of 'textular direction'. Note that time in between text messages is not an issue in this conversation because we are just friends.
(word for word text message conversation Oct. 2009, between Betty and the Textpert...)
*normal type is the actual text message.
*italics is the subtext of the text message conversation, what I was thinking, and what I figured she was thinking/really saying.
Wednesday @ 2:30pm
Betty: Since you're the text guru-what if someone texts canceling plans-but wants to reschedule for the next day? When do you text back? Hahhaha! (this is acutally typed nervous laughter..you can't write this stuff....means she really wants my advice.)
Textpert: Are you free the next day and is this your first time hanging out? (want to get a feel for how serious this relationship is.)
B: Yes to being free- hung out several times. (She wants to hang out with him and may actually like him, because several is more than two...or, might just be a booty call.)
T: Do you really like the guy? why did he cancel? (Let's hear his excuse for canceling...)
B: Because he has something due in the morning- and just got back from holidays. legit? (ignored the 'really like the guy' question, which makes me think this is a booty call. Therefore, his excuse might be legit. Thanksgiving just ended. Plus he did provide an alternate time to hang out in his first text...I'm going to say give him the benefit of the doubt. Guys need their space anyway.)
T: Yeah. First excuse always legit. reschedule for thursday after 9. Cause your 'busy' till then. (make yourself seem desirable by claiming to be busy)
B: Like 'a dinner thing to go to'??? Bahahahahaha! We're hilarious. (she's totally bought into my advice. Careful not to get too specific with a 'busy claim'...)
T: Don't tell what your other plans are. Just busy w a million things. You seen my latest blog? (don't lock yourself in a lie. Just say you're busy. By providing 'dinner party' you now have to answer questions about a fictious party, and you're lying. Liars don't win in the long run.)
B: Big time -love it, passed it around the office.
T: Dating life is difficult. its rough out there man!
(Later....after she texted him following my direction)
B: Hmm- response was good, i have so many more dating questions! (victory for Betty via the textpert)
Lesson to be learned
If you have hung out with someone numerous times, and they text cancel but suggest a specific day to hang out next, they genuinely want to hang out again, or at the very least, are thinking about hanging out with you again. Give them the benefit of the doubt with their excuse, and agree to hang out on the day they suggested, but offer that it be at a time that works in YOUR schedule by saying we have to hang out 'after or before' a certain time.
text safe
The texpert.
C ya Soon ;(
(word for word text message conversation Oct. 2009, between Betty and the Textpert...)
*normal type is the actual text message.
*italics is the subtext of the text message conversation, what I was thinking, and what I figured she was thinking/really saying.
Wednesday @ 2:30pm
Betty: Since you're the text guru-what if someone texts canceling plans-but wants to reschedule for the next day? When do you text back? Hahhaha! (this is acutally typed nervous laughter..you can't write this stuff....means she really wants my advice.)
Textpert: Are you free the next day and is this your first time hanging out? (want to get a feel for how serious this relationship is.)
B: Yes to being free- hung out several times. (She wants to hang out with him and may actually like him, because several is more than two...or, might just be a booty call.)
T: Do you really like the guy? why did he cancel? (Let's hear his excuse for canceling...)
B: Because he has something due in the morning- and just got back from holidays. legit? (ignored the 'really like the guy' question, which makes me think this is a booty call. Therefore, his excuse might be legit. Thanksgiving just ended. Plus he did provide an alternate time to hang out in his first text...I'm going to say give him the benefit of the doubt. Guys need their space anyway.)
T: Yeah. First excuse always legit. reschedule for thursday after 9. Cause your 'busy' till then. (make yourself seem desirable by claiming to be busy)
B: Like 'a dinner thing to go to'??? Bahahahahaha! We're hilarious. (she's totally bought into my advice. Careful not to get too specific with a 'busy claim'...)
T: Don't tell what your other plans are. Just busy w a million things. You seen my latest blog? (don't lock yourself in a lie. Just say you're busy. By providing 'dinner party' you now have to answer questions about a fictious party, and you're lying. Liars don't win in the long run.)
B: Big time -love it, passed it around the office.
T: Dating life is difficult. its rough out there man!
(Later....after she texted him following my direction)
B: Hmm- response was good, i have so many more dating questions! (victory for Betty via the textpert)
Lesson to be learned
If you have hung out with someone numerous times, and they text cancel but suggest a specific day to hang out next, they genuinely want to hang out again, or at the very least, are thinking about hanging out with you again. Give them the benefit of the doubt with their excuse, and agree to hang out on the day they suggested, but offer that it be at a time that works in YOUR schedule by saying we have to hang out 'after or before' a certain time.
text safe
The texpert.
C ya Soon ;(
Texpert: quick tip of the day
If you don't recognize a number in a regualr SMS text message, reply with a text asking them if they have a blackberry. Also in this message supply your bbm PIN#.
If they do have a blackberry they will add you, and chances are their name will pop up in the contacts. Now you'll know who you're communicating with, while saving yourself the embarassement and awkwardness of a "who is this?" text message.
Keep texting, and be safe
C ya soon ;(
Text message warfare: BAIT and SWITCH
The bait and switch: When a 'sender' sends a text message from a desirable and happening location informing a friend that the location is amazing and that they must come join them. After the 'receiver' takes the bait (the cool location) and are on their way there, the sender texts them saying they decided to switch to a different location, because the initial one is 'dead now'. The purpose is to get someone to come out while also sounding like you're really cool.
Bait: Quiet often when we manage to get into a location that is really cool or prestigious we want to tell people we are there. In fact, we can use this to score points with potential 'love interests' if they knew we were there, because, it's cool. Usually we promise we can get people in, or we comment on how amazing the place is. Due mostly to ego, people hate to be missing out on a cool party. Therefore, by sending a message saying, "I'm at Spoke Club. Come by and party." You are saying, I'm where the action is, why aren't you here? Due to ego, it is almost a crime against coolness, for them to not, at the very least, inquire about the situation with an immediately follow up text. If they agree to come meet you, 'the Switch' can occur....
The Switch: This is the tricky part of the scenario and is quiet often a tactic to get someone 'alone', or in a more intimate environment by, what looks like, a mistake. Basically, planned spontaneity. Once the bait is set, you usually know right away what your friend is going to do. By dropping the word 'tonight' or sending a text regarding the present, time restraints on text etiquette are thrown out; it is okay for them to text you right back, because you've established that you're both cool, and out partying. A good switch is usually to a location within walking distance of the 'bait' location. It also tends to be smaller and quieter. A weak bait and switch sends a recipient on a wild goose chase around the city and appears suspicious because of how far the bait is from the switch. (keep your switch close to your bait: know the area!)
Word to the Devious
* there doesn't have to be an actual bait location. In theory, if you have the intention of pulling a bait and switch, you don't actually have to be at the 'bait'. You could lie, using the allure of a good bait location, knowing full well that if they agree to come meet you, you are going to pull a switch. This is also very risky, because if they are at that bait location and you're not aware of this, you look like a liar.
Bait: Quiet often when we manage to get into a location that is really cool or prestigious we want to tell people we are there. In fact, we can use this to score points with potential 'love interests' if they knew we were there, because, it's cool. Usually we promise we can get people in, or we comment on how amazing the place is. Due mostly to ego, people hate to be missing out on a cool party. Therefore, by sending a message saying, "I'm at Spoke Club. Come by and party." You are saying, I'm where the action is, why aren't you here? Due to ego, it is almost a crime against coolness, for them to not, at the very least, inquire about the situation with an immediately follow up text. If they agree to come meet you, 'the Switch' can occur....
The Switch: This is the tricky part of the scenario and is quiet often a tactic to get someone 'alone', or in a more intimate environment by, what looks like, a mistake. Basically, planned spontaneity. Once the bait is set, you usually know right away what your friend is going to do. By dropping the word 'tonight' or sending a text regarding the present, time restraints on text etiquette are thrown out; it is okay for them to text you right back, because you've established that you're both cool, and out partying. A good switch is usually to a location within walking distance of the 'bait' location. It also tends to be smaller and quieter. A weak bait and switch sends a recipient on a wild goose chase around the city and appears suspicious because of how far the bait is from the switch. (keep your switch close to your bait: know the area!)
Word to the Devious
* there doesn't have to be an actual bait location. In theory, if you have the intention of pulling a bait and switch, you don't actually have to be at the 'bait'. You could lie, using the allure of a good bait location, knowing full well that if they agree to come meet you, you are going to pull a switch. This is also very risky, because if they are at that bait location and you're not aware of this, you look like a liar.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Forbidden Texting
Disclaimer:
It is unfortunate, but true, that there is a large population of 'cheaters' out there. Majority, married men and women that have to go elsewhere for thier kicks. Where the textperts does NOT advocate cheating or devious and potentially abusive behaviour, we do advocate avodiance of drama. Like in the situation below.
Dear textpert,
I have recently been texting back and forth with a woman I met at a bar named Sally. We met, hit it off, and by the end of the night were embraced in passionate, kinky sex. Immediately after the sex, she mentioned to me that she was married (with a tear in her eye). If this wasn't awkward enough, she told me she didn't like him and wished she'd never gone through with the marriage, claiming it was his idea. Being that she was a very attractive girl, I didn't flip out, but rather told her we could hang out again if she liked (thinking this was the end of our relationship) and sent her on her way. I just got a text message from her asking if I was free to 'talk' on Saturday night. What should I do?
When Texty met Sally
This is a great question. For starters you should evaluate this situation. Do you want to be 'talking' to a married woman about her 'marriage problems'? In this case, I am going to make the assumption, that everyone reading this just did, and say that 'talking' means fucking. In which case do you want to fuck a married woman? Since you've already fucked her once; twice, or three times is something your guilt can handle, I'm sure, but do you want to make a habit of this. I would say don't, but if you're not of my morality I suggest this:
"When texting people in relationships never write anything in text form that you wouldn't want her/his potential psycho partner to read."
Married people have access to each others things, and this quiet often means passwords. Keep all text messages to business style, or at the most covert incredibly clever 'double talk'... example...talking on a staurday night means sex to everyone, so be careful.
It is unfortunate, but true, that there is a large population of 'cheaters' out there. Majority, married men and women that have to go elsewhere for thier kicks. Where the textperts does NOT advocate cheating or devious and potentially abusive behaviour, we do advocate avodiance of drama. Like in the situation below.
Dear textpert,
I have recently been texting back and forth with a woman I met at a bar named Sally. We met, hit it off, and by the end of the night were embraced in passionate, kinky sex. Immediately after the sex, she mentioned to me that she was married (with a tear in her eye). If this wasn't awkward enough, she told me she didn't like him and wished she'd never gone through with the marriage, claiming it was his idea. Being that she was a very attractive girl, I didn't flip out, but rather told her we could hang out again if she liked (thinking this was the end of our relationship) and sent her on her way. I just got a text message from her asking if I was free to 'talk' on Saturday night. What should I do?
When Texty met Sally
This is a great question. For starters you should evaluate this situation. Do you want to be 'talking' to a married woman about her 'marriage problems'? In this case, I am going to make the assumption, that everyone reading this just did, and say that 'talking' means fucking. In which case do you want to fuck a married woman? Since you've already fucked her once; twice, or three times is something your guilt can handle, I'm sure, but do you want to make a habit of this. I would say don't, but if you're not of my morality I suggest this:
"When texting people in relationships never write anything in text form that you wouldn't want her/his potential psycho partner to read."
Married people have access to each others things, and this quiet often means passwords. Keep all text messages to business style, or at the most covert incredibly clever 'double talk'... example...talking on a staurday night means sex to everyone, so be careful.
The statement Text
When receiving a random statement from someone you consider a possible 'love interest/sexual partner', always respond with a statement.
Just so we're clear, a statement is NOT a question; no "?" mark.
Just like in live action, when you ask a question, it is embarassing to not get an answer.
Answering a statement with a statement shows that you are not necessarily prematurely textjaculating in your pants, sitting waiting for a message. You are simply being a normal human being, engaging in a double sided conversation, rather than a question to question text interview. Asking questions with text messages tetters on desperatation...why not pick up the phone and call them.
Just so we're clear, a statement is NOT a question; no "?" mark.
Just like in live action, when you ask a question, it is embarassing to not get an answer.
Answering a statement with a statement shows that you are not necessarily prematurely textjaculating in your pants, sitting waiting for a message. You are simply being a normal human being, engaging in a double sided conversation, rather than a question to question text interview. Asking questions with text messages tetters on desperatation...why not pick up the phone and call them.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
The Phantom Text: Scenario
Dear Texperts,
SO I'm kind of in a pickle...I think. I was recently involved in a text message conversation that ended on a weird note. I was at a Raptor's game when I received a text from Julie, a girl I have been on a few dates with. On our dates things were good, and last time we hung out we ended up making out. Anyway, Julie and I were texting back and forth, averaging about 10-15 minutes in between texts, while I was at the game and she was out with her friends. Our discussion was mostly an inside joke regarding how I would be naked at the game, eating junk food and noone would care. It was cute, and went on a little too long. So things got wierd after I sent a "What are you doing later?" text. This was a total change of topic, and I was kind of hoping she would want to hang out. I didn't get another message from her that night. I assumed I had destroyed my relationship with her. But here's the kicker...she texted me today asking how the game was. No mention of the late night text. What should I do
Joel the Messenger
Joel. Don't do anything. The text you sent late last night never happened. If she chooses to bring it up, then you can simply mention you wanted to grab a 'drink' and talk, or something very sophisticated (even though it's obvious to me, and probably her, that you wanted to close a deal). When a text message is not acknowledged by a potential "hook up", then it is a phantom. It doesn't exist, nor did it ever exist....unless the receipient of the text chooses to bring it up.
The Textpert
SO I'm kind of in a pickle...I think. I was recently involved in a text message conversation that ended on a weird note. I was at a Raptor's game when I received a text from Julie, a girl I have been on a few dates with. On our dates things were good, and last time we hung out we ended up making out. Anyway, Julie and I were texting back and forth, averaging about 10-15 minutes in between texts, while I was at the game and she was out with her friends. Our discussion was mostly an inside joke regarding how I would be naked at the game, eating junk food and noone would care. It was cute, and went on a little too long. So things got wierd after I sent a "What are you doing later?" text. This was a total change of topic, and I was kind of hoping she would want to hang out. I didn't get another message from her that night. I assumed I had destroyed my relationship with her. But here's the kicker...she texted me today asking how the game was. No mention of the late night text. What should I do
Joel the Messenger
Joel. Don't do anything. The text you sent late last night never happened. If she chooses to bring it up, then you can simply mention you wanted to grab a 'drink' and talk, or something very sophisticated (even though it's obvious to me, and probably her, that you wanted to close a deal). When a text message is not acknowledged by a potential "hook up", then it is a phantom. It doesn't exist, nor did it ever exist....unless the receipient of the text chooses to bring it up.
The Textpert
Premature Texjaculation
Dear Textpert,
I don't know what to do. I met Jennifer at a bar and we seemed to hit it off. It wasn't birds and rainbows or anything, but there was a connection and we exchanged numbers. The next day I texted her, "Hey Jen. Free Friday for drinks and magic markers?" (magic markers being a reference to a conversation we had that night...an inside joke). My text message was met with No response. I almost sent her another message later that day, but didn't. Finally she texted me back.... on Friday afternoon! She wrote me, "lol magic markers are essential. I've been swamped! Tonight doesn't work, but hows next Tuesday?" So I immediately texted her back ,"Sounds great, how are you?". I haven't heard a word from her and it's now Tuesday. Help me textperts. What should I do?
Josh do nothing! This is a case of PREMATURELY TEXTJACULATION!
By responding to her text message immediately you ruined your chances with Jennifer, at least for the time being. Clearly she liked your reference to magic markers in your original text, but was too busy to get back to you... maybe with work, maybe other guys, or maybe she's a little skeptical of you. Nevertheless, by her offering an exact day to hang out next, she is still very much a potential 'take down'. However, when you responded to her text message immediately, you sent the signal that you are a desperate loser who's life is centered around her text messages. Whether this is the case or not, you prematurely texjaculated, and this never goes over well. So for now Josh, file Jennifer under 'love that could have been', and get on with your life. If she likes you she'll text you back. Don't hold your breath.
In the future: Wait at least 8 hours before texting back in a situation such as this one.
Also a side note: Ending a text message with 'how are you?' is a faux paus. It's an uncreative and weak attempt to get a text message conversation going. If you wanted the chance to get a dialogue going you should make a statement. Maybe something comical, or an observation. Either way, if you send a statement, she has no pressure to respond and therefore will feel at easy. Also, if she doesn't respond, at least your not some loser who asked a question and didn't get an answer.
Take your time replying to a text: Yeah we all have our phones glued to our hand. Sure our whole business and livelyhood rests in the in and out boxes of our hand held lap tops, which we check every 3 seconds. Yeah, it is understood that everyone has a phone and is using it daily. Knowing all this, if you respond too fast to a text, you are PREMATURLY TEXTJACULATING. Make people wait. Show them you've got other text messages, conversations, business deals to attend to before you can respond to theirs.
Sincerely,
the textpert
I don't know what to do. I met Jennifer at a bar and we seemed to hit it off. It wasn't birds and rainbows or anything, but there was a connection and we exchanged numbers. The next day I texted her, "Hey Jen. Free Friday for drinks and magic markers?" (magic markers being a reference to a conversation we had that night...an inside joke). My text message was met with No response. I almost sent her another message later that day, but didn't. Finally she texted me back.... on Friday afternoon! She wrote me, "lol magic markers are essential. I've been swamped! Tonight doesn't work, but hows next Tuesday?" So I immediately texted her back ,"Sounds great, how are you?". I haven't heard a word from her and it's now Tuesday. Help me textperts. What should I do?
Josh do nothing! This is a case of PREMATURELY TEXTJACULATION!
By responding to her text message immediately you ruined your chances with Jennifer, at least for the time being. Clearly she liked your reference to magic markers in your original text, but was too busy to get back to you... maybe with work, maybe other guys, or maybe she's a little skeptical of you. Nevertheless, by her offering an exact day to hang out next, she is still very much a potential 'take down'. However, when you responded to her text message immediately, you sent the signal that you are a desperate loser who's life is centered around her text messages. Whether this is the case or not, you prematurely texjaculated, and this never goes over well. So for now Josh, file Jennifer under 'love that could have been', and get on with your life. If she likes you she'll text you back. Don't hold your breath.
In the future: Wait at least 8 hours before texting back in a situation such as this one.
Also a side note: Ending a text message with 'how are you?' is a faux paus. It's an uncreative and weak attempt to get a text message conversation going. If you wanted the chance to get a dialogue going you should make a statement. Maybe something comical, or an observation. Either way, if you send a statement, she has no pressure to respond and therefore will feel at easy. Also, if she doesn't respond, at least your not some loser who asked a question and didn't get an answer.
Take your time replying to a text: Yeah we all have our phones glued to our hand. Sure our whole business and livelyhood rests in the in and out boxes of our hand held lap tops, which we check every 3 seconds. Yeah, it is understood that everyone has a phone and is using it daily. Knowing all this, if you respond too fast to a text, you are PREMATURLY TEXTJACULATING. Make people wait. Show them you've got other text messages, conversations, business deals to attend to before you can respond to theirs.
Sincerely,
the textpert
Monday, October 12, 2009
Text message: The unknown enigma
There is nothing more thought provoking then a text message from a phone number that you don't recognize in which the sender hasn't identified themselves with a name, or obvious piece of information. Quite often something along the lines of, "Hey, I'm in town and was wondering what you're doing?" Problem is you don't know who it is, or if you want anything to do with them. It could be the man of your dreams, or the biggest dofus you know. Nevertheless, the number isn't programmed into your phone, probably for a reason such as:
a) you deleted the number from your phone because you don't like the person.
b) you got a new phone and didn't bother bringing thier number over in the 'move'. This ultimately means you can take them or leave them.
c) you never got their number and therefore you either gave them yours or they found it from someone else. This could be someone you're genuinely interested in communicating with.
When receiveing a text message from a number that you're not familiar with, immediately a sense of superiority hits you. You feel as though you have the upper hand in the relationship. Who is this person that I clearly don't care enough about to have them in my phone? I must be better than them. After this sense of gratification hits us it immediately dissappears and quite often a sense of panic or anxiety follows. What if I actually really like this person? I'm going to look like a real asshole if I don't text them back, but I'll look like a bigger a-hole if I don't even know who this is. Or maybe it's a good thing. Maybe it will show them that I'm so important that I'm constantly changing my contact list (because it's too full...if this even makes sense) I need to find out who this is, but saying 'who is this' is a little too forward and beligerent...or is it? I'm being sincere right, or at the very least, honest. Hmmmm....quite often we try to find a clever and creative way of disguising our ignorance... here is a possible answer in which you can appear friendly and business like:
"Hey. Sorry, I just got a new phone and I'm in the process of transfering all my numbers over to this one. Who is this again?"
Take some time before sending this response. At least 10 minutes.
This is your safest bet for not offending them, however, alway expect the other person to get slightly offended by this question.
Good luck and in the future if you give someon your number make sure to also get theirs. That way you can ignore them respectfully.
a) you deleted the number from your phone because you don't like the person.
b) you got a new phone and didn't bother bringing thier number over in the 'move'. This ultimately means you can take them or leave them.
c) you never got their number and therefore you either gave them yours or they found it from someone else. This could be someone you're genuinely interested in communicating with.
When receiveing a text message from a number that you're not familiar with, immediately a sense of superiority hits you. You feel as though you have the upper hand in the relationship. Who is this person that I clearly don't care enough about to have them in my phone? I must be better than them. After this sense of gratification hits us it immediately dissappears and quite often a sense of panic or anxiety follows. What if I actually really like this person? I'm going to look like a real asshole if I don't text them back, but I'll look like a bigger a-hole if I don't even know who this is. Or maybe it's a good thing. Maybe it will show them that I'm so important that I'm constantly changing my contact list (because it's too full...if this even makes sense) I need to find out who this is, but saying 'who is this' is a little too forward and beligerent...or is it? I'm being sincere right, or at the very least, honest. Hmmmm....quite often we try to find a clever and creative way of disguising our ignorance... here is a possible answer in which you can appear friendly and business like:
"Hey. Sorry, I just got a new phone and I'm in the process of transfering all my numbers over to this one. Who is this again?"
Take some time before sending this response. At least 10 minutes.
This is your safest bet for not offending them, however, alway expect the other person to get slightly offended by this question.
Good luck and in the future if you give someon your number make sure to also get theirs. That way you can ignore them respectfully.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
The phantom text
Phantom text: A text message that is sent but never acknowledged. Sometime we send a text we probably should have thought twice before sending. Maybe it was the wrong time of day, the wrong person, or maybe the conversation was just so done that an extra text was completely uncalled for. Maybe you said the wrong thing, of sent it too quickly. Quite often a text of this nature goes unanswered; yep, a text message that doesn't get a response. This text message becomes a phantom because the next time you see the receipent it is as if the text message was never sent. They don't mention it and neither do you. It is as if this text message never happened...it is a phantom, stuck in your text history and theirs. However, never spoken of or discusssed ever again. However it is a phatom because it is not truely forgotten. It does haunt your chances of ever having sex with the receipent.
The Cat and Mouse text
Cat and Mouse text: When you send a text to someone you know you can 'hook up'; usually someone you've hooked up with in the past. You send them a text message at the beginning of the night(around 7pm-ish). This text simply initiates conversation and gets the ball rolling on a back and forth text conversation. As the night progresses you continue to 'flirt' text back and forth with your mouse, not making any drastic statements or questions. The nature tends to be "What you up to tonight?" , "Where you going to be tonight?". This continues untill you make a diagnosis of how your immediate situation is going to end. Often when playing cat and mouse, it isuncertain of which one of you is the mouse. It isn't always the person who sent the first text....here are some possible ending to a Cat and Mouse scenario:
a) You don't find someone in your proximity to hook up with so you drop a 'be there in 10mins text' to your mouse. This occurs if you have given up on your search for someone in your proximity, usually at the end of the night, and now you want to meet up with your mouse to close the deal. It's not ideal but at least you're 'hooking up'.
b) You actually found someone in your proximity. You thus stop texting your mouse, tell your mouse you'll ttyl, or you ignore the rest of the texts that night and then the next day tell them your phone died.
c) Your mouse finds someone in her proximity, rendering you the mouse.
a) You don't find someone in your proximity to hook up with so you drop a 'be there in 10mins text' to your mouse. This occurs if you have given up on your search for someone in your proximity, usually at the end of the night, and now you want to meet up with your mouse to close the deal. It's not ideal but at least you're 'hooking up'.
b) You actually found someone in your proximity. You thus stop texting your mouse, tell your mouse you'll ttyl, or you ignore the rest of the texts that night and then the next day tell them your phone died.
c) Your mouse finds someone in her proximity, rendering you the mouse.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Monday, August 31, 2009
Advice of the day
The other day a friend of mine went to the bathroom (#2). He flushed, but due to weak water pressure not all was flushed down. I followed into the bathroom shortly after to urinate and did so in his soiled bowl. I yelled to my friend as I was urinating that he forgot to flush and that it was disgusting. He apologized, but then quickly pondered asking me, "Did you just urinate on my fecus?". I remarked...."yes" as I flushed. He responded, "I love you to man."
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Daily Advice: August 27th, 2009
When a Queen Wasp dies the worker wasps spread around town without a cause.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Daily Advice: August 26th, 2009
Dealing with women is like playing Nintendo Punch-out.
You have to work your way up the ladder.
You have to beat GlassJaw Murphy and all his friends before you get to face Mike Tyson.
You have to work your way up the ladder.
You have to beat GlassJaw Murphy and all his friends before you get to face Mike Tyson.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Daily Note: August, 25th, 2009
If you are single, and looking for a date, don't ask girls out. Tell them they are going to go out with you.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Daily note: August 22, 2009
What's your licorice sort?
Most people prefer red licorice to black licorice at first. Some choose never to try the black again after one taste, claiming they prefer the red option much more. Others give the black a few more tastes, mainly out of intrigue and mystique, only to realize it's one of the best tastes on their palet .
Most people prefer red licorice to black licorice at first. Some choose never to try the black again after one taste, claiming they prefer the red option much more. Others give the black a few more tastes, mainly out of intrigue and mystique, only to realize it's one of the best tastes on their palet .
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Friday, June 5, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Convience Charge
Int. Jug and Milk store
Conor enters, smiles at the attendant, and b lines it to the back of the store. He grabs a four pack of cashmere toilet paper and brings it to the cash. The Cashier is Korean...let's call him sly.
Conor: Just this.
Sly: 10 dollar.
Conor: for this?! At the Metro down the street it's 8 bucks for 10!
Sly posts up...........
Sly: The Metro....where is that?
Conor: The Metro...it's right down there, 1 mile, in Liberty Village. You know the---
Sly: ahhhh....yes...why you not just walk there?
Conor: It's, I, it's kind of far. I only need this right now.
Sly: So it's out of the way.
Conor: It's just, for one thing, it's--
Sly: Not convenient.
Conor sees where he's going with this.
Conor: I guess, but--
Sly: It's a convenience store. Everything in here more convenient. The gum, convenient. The pizza pops more convenient. The drinks, the magazines, the cigarette so convenient. 2 dollar convenience charge.
Conor: Yeah, yeah..okay.
Conor pays for his toilet paper.
Sly: Enjoy your Cashmere. It's soft...and more convenient.
Conor exits.
Conor enters, smiles at the attendant, and b lines it to the back of the store. He grabs a four pack of cashmere toilet paper and brings it to the cash. The Cashier is Korean...let's call him sly.
Conor: Just this.
Sly: 10 dollar.
Conor: for this?! At the Metro down the street it's 8 bucks for 10!
Sly posts up...........
Sly: The Metro....where is that?
Conor: The Metro...it's right down there, 1 mile, in Liberty Village. You know the---
Sly: ahhhh....yes...why you not just walk there?
Conor: It's, I, it's kind of far. I only need this right now.
Sly: So it's out of the way.
Conor: It's just, for one thing, it's--
Sly: Not convenient.
Conor sees where he's going with this.
Conor: I guess, but--
Sly: It's a convenience store. Everything in here more convenient. The gum, convenient. The pizza pops more convenient. The drinks, the magazines, the cigarette so convenient. 2 dollar convenience charge.
Conor: Yeah, yeah..okay.
Conor pays for his toilet paper.
Sly: Enjoy your Cashmere. It's soft...and more convenient.
Conor exits.
Monday, April 20, 2009
10 karma killers
10. Not tipping: If the person deserved a tip and you didn't tip, your karma has just dropped.
9. sleeping in till 11 on a weekday.
8. speeding through a crosswalk in yor car/not stopping for the TTC of school bus.
7. not cleaning up after yourself/being messy
6. cheating on your girlfriend/boyfriend
5. not doing your taxes
4. lying to your parents no matter what your age.
3. cocaine
2. not fullfilling a promise.
1. not making your bed.
9. sleeping in till 11 on a weekday.
8. speeding through a crosswalk in yor car/not stopping for the TTC of school bus.
7. not cleaning up after yourself/being messy
6. cheating on your girlfriend/boyfriend
5. not doing your taxes
4. lying to your parents no matter what your age.
3. cocaine
2. not fullfilling a promise.
1. not making your bed.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Ying Yang
-Hey. Bro. Sorry to hear about your job eh.
-Oh, yeah thanks man. It's whatever. I saw it coming I guess...
-Really eh, you got fired or was it like a lay off situation? or...
-No. They were kind of a sketchy organization. Like promised a lot of things to clients that they couldn't follow through with. Their assets were all tied, and like the economy now, they had to get rid of a few people.
-Crazyness.
-Yeah. The company is going under. The worst part is I can't put them on my resume as a past employer because that would give me a bad rap.
-Really?
-Yeah. Not exactly the place you want to tell people you were just working at.
-So they were like illegal?
-They were not following through, hahah, let's leave it at that.
-Yeah. Fradulent. I hear ya. That sucks.
-Yeah. Well, whatever man it is what it is.
-Yeah. Yo, so that date I went on yesterday was 'disorganzied' to say the least.
-Hmm. What, do you mean?
-The girl, hairdresser, was out of control. Alcoholic, super sketchy. She passed out while we were making out.
-Really, that's. Like where did you guys even go?
-We were hear, and then we were there, ended up at the Beacer and then back here. So many drinks. It was, it was sloppy. But who really cares about that, your situation man, I hope I can help.
-Yeah thanks. I am going to take a week to collect myself, find out where I'm at. I had a lot of investments riding on my future income. Was spending a little too luxuriously. So I'll be here most of the week just trying to put together a plan to save some money.
-I will be around all week too. I have a date today with that new girl I met last Friday night, but other than that. She's a 3 year Yoga... person eh! But, yeah I'll be here dude, so if you need me...
-Thanks. When I heard from my boss that he wanted to meet with me Friday afternoon, on a thursday, I knew, I knew something was up. That's exactly how they fire you. And we got along so well, so I could sense by his face something was up.
-Yeah. I knew something was up with this hairdresser I went on a date with last night. Hairdressers are on a different schedule. Sunday night is there Saturday. Monday their Sunday.
-ha, yeah. Now I have to some how establish a resume. No college, or university, because I left Windsor to work for them.
-Maybe just lie on your resume for now. That's what my buddy does. They check references but rarely are they doing 'factual experience checks'.
-Haha.
-I swear I wouldn't be surprised if that's how the hairdresser got her job. that's why I'm so happy that the new girl, from Friday, the yoga, is a little bit older than me. Has her head on her shoulders, a good job. Ya know. Won't pass out in the middle of a hardcore make out session.
-so I'm confused. Which one is better the yoga or the hairdresser?
-Yoga man for sure.
-I'm going to go lay down, then get started on my job hunt.
-Ok, let me know if you need me for anything bro. I am here till about 530 then a date with mrs. Yoga.
-Oh, yeah thanks man. It's whatever. I saw it coming I guess...
-Really eh, you got fired or was it like a lay off situation? or...
-No. They were kind of a sketchy organization. Like promised a lot of things to clients that they couldn't follow through with. Their assets were all tied, and like the economy now, they had to get rid of a few people.
-Crazyness.
-Yeah. The company is going under. The worst part is I can't put them on my resume as a past employer because that would give me a bad rap.
-Really?
-Yeah. Not exactly the place you want to tell people you were just working at.
-So they were like illegal?
-They were not following through, hahah, let's leave it at that.
-Yeah. Fradulent. I hear ya. That sucks.
-Yeah. Well, whatever man it is what it is.
-Yeah. Yo, so that date I went on yesterday was 'disorganzied' to say the least.
-Hmm. What, do you mean?
-The girl, hairdresser, was out of control. Alcoholic, super sketchy. She passed out while we were making out.
-Really, that's. Like where did you guys even go?
-We were hear, and then we were there, ended up at the Beacer and then back here. So many drinks. It was, it was sloppy. But who really cares about that, your situation man, I hope I can help.
-Yeah thanks. I am going to take a week to collect myself, find out where I'm at. I had a lot of investments riding on my future income. Was spending a little too luxuriously. So I'll be here most of the week just trying to put together a plan to save some money.
-I will be around all week too. I have a date today with that new girl I met last Friday night, but other than that. She's a 3 year Yoga... person eh! But, yeah I'll be here dude, so if you need me...
-Thanks. When I heard from my boss that he wanted to meet with me Friday afternoon, on a thursday, I knew, I knew something was up. That's exactly how they fire you. And we got along so well, so I could sense by his face something was up.
-Yeah. I knew something was up with this hairdresser I went on a date with last night. Hairdressers are on a different schedule. Sunday night is there Saturday. Monday their Sunday.
-ha, yeah. Now I have to some how establish a resume. No college, or university, because I left Windsor to work for them.
-Maybe just lie on your resume for now. That's what my buddy does. They check references but rarely are they doing 'factual experience checks'.
-Haha.
-I swear I wouldn't be surprised if that's how the hairdresser got her job. that's why I'm so happy that the new girl, from Friday, the yoga, is a little bit older than me. Has her head on her shoulders, a good job. Ya know. Won't pass out in the middle of a hardcore make out session.
-so I'm confused. Which one is better the yoga or the hairdresser?
-Yoga man for sure.
-I'm going to go lay down, then get started on my job hunt.
-Ok, let me know if you need me for anything bro. I am here till about 530 then a date with mrs. Yoga.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Coulier's first mission: Mission log
Captain's log: Year 2024 AD. Today Vessel "Float 47" commence our mission to follow out a Canadian flag staking and raising on an unidentified rogue moon in sector 54. Formerly of the O'Malley lunar clusters, the baby moon appears to have deviated from orbit and is floating aimlessly through space. A feeling I only know too well. By claiming the moon Canada will take ownership of it along with all its nutrients and land potential. For the most part moons are a dime a dozen. Every planet has them, and they make better decoration in the sky than anything else. Staking a moon is like making a good short film. It's cool but you're not going to get laid because of it. We only hope that there are some angry moon men on it to fight. Maybe that will give us some adventure...
Monday, April 13, 2009
Getting to know Alcohol: the Irish way
Warning
If you're not careful Alcohol can make you feel isolated and completely aware of yourself. It can create an 'Outside looking in and not impressed' feeling. An awareness of your flaws and your secrets. Alcohol can secretly suppress your compassion and innocence while exposing your putridity and desperation. A retreat into self sloth-ery and glutton which results in heavy sleep and late night food.The blackout: When too much alcohol casts you away into a darkness that doesn't record time or judge behaviours. A darkness that flickers with colours and alternate images. Pillowed with emotions but safe from tactile memory. What you don't touch or breath isn't remembered. What you hate is never forgotten.
Drinking makes time feel better.
We live in a society completely functioning on a structure of time. Time is so present that we can actually feel it in the tactile sense. Drinking changes the feeling of time. Society even uses time to get us to drink by making certain times feel better in relation to alcohol. Time before spent waiting in anticipation and excitement to enjoy it. Time after, reminiscing with a grain of salt about it. It tells you that the time spent behaving and being productive justifies time spent escaping and being destructive. Time worked allows for time indulged. It reminds you that at this certain time according to your calendar it's socially acceptable to do it. In fact many times are the right time to drink. Time of celebration. Time of reward. Time of promotion. Time of love. Time of companionship. Time of misery. Time of stress. Time of sun. Time of ski. Time of beach. Time of St. Patrick. Time of long weekend. Time of discussion. Time of business. Thursday Time. Time of killing time.
It wasn't me it was 'drunk me'
Most of all it controls us by making us act out of our character; or at least, what we would call our character. It actually takes over our body and 'changes' us. It makes us 'different' by our own definition. Thus, it creates a relationship, or a dichotomy. A sense of more than one. A 'Me' And a 'me when I'm drunk'. We create a relationship, a hierarchy between 'me' and 'drunk me'. A hierarchy of who is better at what and in what situation. the relationship between self and 'drunk self' is a micro chasm of society. The relationship explains why we segregate, specialize and judge each other in society.
'Drunk me' is the fun blue collar worker that enjoys life but has made some wrong decisions. 'Sober me' is the tight ass white collar that is getting back at drunk me for insulting it in high school. The 'sober me' is 'drunk me's' boss and when a problem at the company arises, blue collar gets the blame. Who made what poor decision? that wasn't my fault, that was 'drunk me'. I never should have let him out that day. I can't control him.
We always give 'sober me' the excuse of innocence. The lesser of the two evils. The sober self gets mad at the drunk self, but the drunk self doesn't get mad at the sober self. He would rather go for a beer. With the dichotomy of drunk and sober there becomes potential, as with anything is society where there's more than one, for a blame game. Or rather, that wasn't 'me', that was 'drunk me'. People with drinking problems blame either a weakness in their ability not to drink, or on a 'drunk me' that is uncontrollable and is separate from them. "'Drunk me' isn't 'me'. In fact, we have completely different opinions on what is right and wrong. I should not be blamed for the behaviours of drunk me. The real me is a good person."
Why 'drunk me' then?
The 'sober me' is in constant pursuit of a 'better me'; whatever that may be. However due to the impatiences of human nature 'Sober me' realizes that 'Drunk me' does feel good, even though it is an easy quick 'better'. Plus it gives us a good night sleep. And isn't that what life is all about. Life and death; the ultimate dichotomy. Sleep is the closest thing to death, and we love sleep. Yet we fear death. We say, "I hope death isn't like sleep because after a while I would get pretty sick of it", but I don't think I have ever interrupted a dream with requests of returning to reality. In fact, I have done much the opposite.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
marco's morning
7am
Marco Ansipidisque, bereft from the mystical neuro-fog of his dreams was again slated to start his day. He cocooned alone in bed, relaxed, breathing slowly his first breaths, reflecting on his dream. He had dreamed of orchids and lillys and friendly bears and ice cream and sunshine and hugs and women with jet black hair. They were all at an underwater bar and to his complete dissaproval Marco was awoken suddenly when the underwater fish bouncer had told him he wasn't allowed to bring flowers into the bar because he was a 'jerk off'. Quondamed from his dream world Marco wanted desperately to go back to sleep and give this numbskull door jockey a piece of his mind. He checked his clock to see if he had time and, semi-luckily, he had five minutes. But Today he was going to sleep in and not go to the gym before work. He had to go back to the underwater bar. This was too good of a dream, and he would be dammed if he was a 'jerk off'. He pushed his snooze forth an hour and got extra snug. Marco layed his head down on his pillow and began thinking of clever comebacks he could hurl at his nemesis bouncer. The anxiety associated with this process overwhelmed Marco, causing him far too much excitement to drift back asleep. So he laid in bed awake for an hour unable to decide on the perfect insult, missing valuable time that couldn have been spent on the eliptical machine.
Marco Ansipidisque, bereft from the mystical neuro-fog of his dreams was again slated to start his day. He cocooned alone in bed, relaxed, breathing slowly his first breaths, reflecting on his dream. He had dreamed of orchids and lillys and friendly bears and ice cream and sunshine and hugs and women with jet black hair. They were all at an underwater bar and to his complete dissaproval Marco was awoken suddenly when the underwater fish bouncer had told him he wasn't allowed to bring flowers into the bar because he was a 'jerk off'. Quondamed from his dream world Marco wanted desperately to go back to sleep and give this numbskull door jockey a piece of his mind. He checked his clock to see if he had time and, semi-luckily, he had five minutes. But Today he was going to sleep in and not go to the gym before work. He had to go back to the underwater bar. This was too good of a dream, and he would be dammed if he was a 'jerk off'. He pushed his snooze forth an hour and got extra snug. Marco layed his head down on his pillow and began thinking of clever comebacks he could hurl at his nemesis bouncer. The anxiety associated with this process overwhelmed Marco, causing him far too much excitement to drift back asleep. So he laid in bed awake for an hour unable to decide on the perfect insult, missing valuable time that couldn have been spent on the eliptical machine.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Tears 6: the Crying Window
Children can handle pain just as well, if not better than adults. Since pain is such a new experience to them, they are still not sure what to make of it. It is more of a total shock than a reason to cry. They just know that pain hurts, tears feel good and a big cry can help over ride the pain rushing through their little body. A good healthy cry can mask the pain of a scrapped knee almost instantly, and potentially score them a hug. But the last thing you want to do is hug them or empathize with them right away.
When a little girl scraps her knee a window pops up. Like an emotional quarterback it is up to an adult to throw a positive energy spiral through this window ASAP in order to avoid the loud epic tears that could emerge. For example.
When a little girl scraps her knee a window pops up. Like an emotional quarterback it is up to an adult to throw a positive energy spiral through this window ASAP in order to avoid the loud epic tears that could emerge. For example.
Little Jennifer, Velcro shoes and summer hat, scampers in the park with a sand shovel and toothless smile. She is joyful and jubilant, clearly in paradise; one with the park. Her left foot, in an attempt to keep up with the dominant right, drags and begins to wobble. Just then Jennifer hits a little dip in the sand and falls face first smack down in the dirt. She immediately looks up dazed and shocked. Where is mom? There? No over there? No. Anyone older than me around? No... she frantically glances around to see if anyone saw this happen. Her face swells up with tears as she searches for a parent or fellow friend to rescue her from this pain. Jennifer cannot find anyone as her lip curls one last time. Realizing it's just her versus this event, she wipes herself clean and continues in the direction she was running. No tears.
Now if little Jennifer had made eye contact with mommy or an adult, she would have started to cry frantically. Unless, of course, the adult Jennifer made eye contact knew how to turn these tears into laughter with a positive energy spiral. See below example of a positive energy spiral pass completion by Conor....
Same scenario as above. Jennifer makes eye contact with the older Conor. Noticing that Jennifer is caught in a crying window, Conor acts fast. Jennifer's face explodes and tears begin to gush. Conor immediately smiles at Jennifer ear to ear!
Conor: Safe! Safe!. In baseball that was just the best play I have ever seen!!! WOW! You are so awesome. Can you teach me how to do that Jennifer, wow first place for you!!!!!!
Jennifer instantly falls back to dazed and confused. She focuses on Conor completely dumbfounded. (really? I thought I just did something wrong because of this pain?
Conor: give me five! Did you see that Greg? Did anyone see that?!! So awesome!
Little Greg: she hurt her knee. It's bleeding.
Conor: Oh my god blood! I wish I had blood, that's so cool. You know what would be totally fun right now?if we put some water on that!!! Man I am so excited right now!
Jennifer looks at Greg as if to say 'what is going on here?'. She touches her boo boo and looks at her finger.
Jennifer(tears about to begin again): it really hurts.
Conor: I bet. you're so lucky, because now you're so much stronger and prettier than all of us. DAM, I bet Greg wishes he had a boo boo.
Greg: no!
Conor (laughing): Good one Greg. You're funny. In fact you're both awesome! Come on lets go get some water. But first I have one thing I need you both to do.
The two kids are now completely focused on Conor.
Jennifer and Greg: what....
Conor: It is really important and I don't ask a lot of people to do this, but I need you both to really help me out. Can you both, Jennifer first because you just did something awesome,--
(Jennifer's cheeks perk)
Conor: I need you to give me a super low five.(Conor extends his hand right to the ground) I call this a worm five!
After a long wait Jennifer begins to smile. She slaps Conor's hand. Tears avoided! Pass complete!
Greg: My turn now.
Conor: I don't know. Jennifer is it cool if Greg gives me a worm five.
Jennifer nods her head. Greg winds up like a windmill and executes the greatest five ever.
Jennifer: my turn again.
Jennifer drops another great five, and another, and another.....
Conor: Wow! you guys are so strong. *2nd best worm fives ever!! Lets go get some ice.
Jennifer: Wait! I want to do another worm five.
Greg: Me too.
Conor: Fine, but you have to catch me first.
Conor runs off in the direction of the water fountain. Jennifer and Greg giggle as they chase him. Blood trickles behind....
* kids love world records. They won't believe you if you tell them they are the best in the whole world, but second best they will completely believe. And then they will be well behaved for hours trying to break your 'fake world record'.
The state of the world: A side effect of Society
I was creeping along with the traffic in my car this morning on my regular route listening to my Stanton Warriors CD and rapping along. There was slightly more traffic than usual as a new construction site started today and was holding up both directions in the city residential area. As I slowly drifted along behind the street car I glanced to the traffic in the opposite direction and to my total surprise I saw an old friend driving the other direction. Not a best friend but, at worst, a good aquiantance, that I haven't seen in about 3 years. He was talking on his cell phone and creeping by slowly in the other direction. I instantly rolled down my window and began waving my arms at him. He didn't notice me so I honked the horn.
'Kennedy!' I yelled.
Kennedy looked at me in the middle of his conversation and gave me a lifeless head nod. The type of head nod you give someone you see everyday and have no interest in talking to. This is a guy I have known my whole life; since I was 10. Never a falling out, never a fight. I kept waving my arms and smiling.
"Yo guy!"
Finally, as we were slowly passing each other Kennedy, rolled down his window half way. He cupped the mouthpiece of his phone.
'Work call'.
We slowly drifted past each other.
'Asshole' I quietly yelled back after we had passed each other.
I doubt he heard me. But if he did, I bet it ruined our relationship. Up until that point we were good memories of each other. Because of that, our complete memories are ruined and we are now both total assholes who hate each other.
In fact, almost instantly, I remembered all the times when I thought he was a jerk but had given him the benefit of the doubt. I rewrote these memories as if I had decided we was a jerk
'Kennedy!' I yelled.
Kennedy looked at me in the middle of his conversation and gave me a lifeless head nod. The type of head nod you give someone you see everyday and have no interest in talking to. This is a guy I have known my whole life; since I was 10. Never a falling out, never a fight. I kept waving my arms and smiling.
"Yo guy!"
Finally, as we were slowly passing each other Kennedy, rolled down his window half way. He cupped the mouthpiece of his phone.
'Work call'.
We slowly drifted past each other.
'Asshole' I quietly yelled back after we had passed each other.
I doubt he heard me. But if he did, I bet it ruined our relationship. Up until that point we were good memories of each other. Because of that, our complete memories are ruined and we are now both total assholes who hate each other.
In fact, almost instantly, I remembered all the times when I thought he was a jerk but had given him the benefit of the doubt. I rewrote these memories as if I had decided we was a jerk
THE FRIENDLY NEWS
Warning! Please do not stand still
Of all the goals in life it appears that survival is the ultimate goal because we are convinced it is, above all, the most important thing to do for our well being. To put ones self in a position where survival is at risk is unhealthy and potentially painful and nobody wants that. It is a position of true vulnerability; where failure is a huge possibility. Intentionally putting one self in these situations is seen as anti survivalist; anti-progressive or, alas, anti-society because it draws too much attention to the pack. Since we are pack animals it is as if we are all walking around like wounded dogs pretending not to be wounded because we don't want to draw attention to the pack. This is not to say we are all depressed, but rather, we are ignoring each other because we think it's better for everyone else if we did so. After all, we don't want to look vulnerable. To appear like the weakest link in the societal chain that is 'insert catchy suburb named after one person here'. On the streets people rush urgently past potential friends, enemies, victims, collaborators and lovers on a super important mission to Pita Pit or where ever else they have to get to really soon. Everyone is in a rush, because not being in a rush is not being a productive team player. Even projecting 'no rush' means one is compromising other people's well being. Therefore, one could deduct that vulnerability is as simple as the ability to stand still on the sidewalk at 5:15pm. True vulnerability would be to do so without looking at one's watch. Just standing relaxed and alone not faking as if you are late or waiting for someone or asking for money. Just standing still existing. Being anti survival. Vulnerability is having nowhere to go in a hurry.
Where are you standing these days?
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
the moment my heart stopped working
I used to be the most romantic kid in the whole world. From grade 1- 11 I always had a beautiful girlfriend or love interest. I would march right up to girls and tell them how beautiful they were and then we would become lovers. To express my love I would use scented magic markers to draw caricatures of them that not only smelled like them but also accentuated their strengths. My favorite where the girls with black hair, because it gave me an excuse to indulge in my black licorice marker.
I would always let girls know how they made me feel and just how vulnerable I was to their magic. In fact, if I liked a girl older and completely out of my league I would still pursue her. My methods were poems and kind gestures. Vulnerability and creativity; the deadliest combo.
When I turned 16 something happened; I lost my ability to love. For the next 10 years I was still able to engage in meaningless sexcapades (although few and far between), some worthy of memory, but many that were unfullfilling and with partners that didn't rival the ones I had in the past. At 16 things went cold.
As the oldest born, I was first to transfer out of private elementary school into a public high school. Needless to say this wasn't an easy experience. In fact, for grade 9 and 10 I went by virtually unnoticed. I skateboarded and still romanticized with girls from my old school. During this time I had a few girls try to pursue me, and I even had a brief stint dating the coolest girl in the grade, but I was dumped by her when she was told I wasn't 'cool'. We had nothing in common anyway, so I wasn't hurt by this lost love. I was however hurt by the idea of not being cool. In fact, it hurt too much. This would prove to be pivotal.
Then the beginning of grade 11.
My heart began to flutter like a helicopter seed falling from a tree in the autumn wind. A beautiful girl had caught my eye in the cafeteria. She was a 9er. I was instantly in love.
(Also this year , I had began to get cooler as I started to smoke weed, and it was discovered that I was really good at drawing pictures of people.)
I went home that night and wrote my new target a love letter. The letter to end all letters. I spilled my heart. I told her about her eyes, and her nose, and her mouth. I mentioned how all three clearly enjoyed working with each other because they displayed such a collaborative symmetry. Almost as if they completed each others senses..es. I told her about how she moved. How she slittered and shifted gracefully like a serpent. In fact almost exactly like a serpent.. The letter was in hand writing on 1995 lined paper and placed strategically in her locker, folded with the precision of an oragamyist. Knowing the power of my love letters, I simply sat back confidently awaiting her response.
She liked me to. She told my brother, also a niner that she liked me, and that she would indeed meet with me at the same spot we had first made eye contact. The wheels were in motion, and all I had to do was sit back and wait.
I sat outside the cafeteria, too excited to go to class. 20 minutes before we were to meet something happened. One of the coolest guys in grade 11 had found out about my letter. His younger sister, was friends with a friend of my 'soon to be love' and she had recited a few lines from the poem to him. Like a town cryer, he ran through the school yelling about how I am a 'Fag'. Almost instantly people were pointing and laughing at me. "What a loser" "How could someone write a love letter to a niner?!". I was instantly bombarded and almost beat up. I had to make a decision. Do I keep my coolness or do I fall in love????
Luckily she was a good girl and had gone to geography class that morning and had missed the callings. I waited at our spot in turmoil. She approached again like a serpent, only this time I was going to be the snake. Our eyes remained in tack as she approached. She had the letter in her hand and instantly told me how sweet it was. I stood in silence.
'Yeah, about that letter...
I preceded to slip into darkness. I told her that I had been blinded by the moment, and had not really had time to let my emotions sink in. I did still respect her face's team chemistry, but I couldn't go through with the rest. I told her a grade 9 and grade 11 could never work. I broke it off and we went our separate ways.
The next 3 years of high school were a romantic wash. I couldn't love. But my coolness grew exponentially. University I was even cooler. Every year that has gone by I have become cooler, but have grown less in tack with love.
I made a deal with the devil. Coolness for love. I can become best friends with any guy, no matter how cool her is, almost instantly. At Ohio State my best friends were both on the football team (which to anyone who has been to Ohio knows they are cooler than celebrities)
The worst part of it all is that the guy who ran through the school blabbing about my love letter, ended up dating that girl. In fact he was her first love.
BUT. 11 years later I have finally felt a pulse....like a hand out of the mud.
I would always let girls know how they made me feel and just how vulnerable I was to their magic. In fact, if I liked a girl older and completely out of my league I would still pursue her. My methods were poems and kind gestures. Vulnerability and creativity; the deadliest combo.
When I turned 16 something happened; I lost my ability to love. For the next 10 years I was still able to engage in meaningless sexcapades (although few and far between), some worthy of memory, but many that were unfullfilling and with partners that didn't rival the ones I had in the past. At 16 things went cold.
As the oldest born, I was first to transfer out of private elementary school into a public high school. Needless to say this wasn't an easy experience. In fact, for grade 9 and 10 I went by virtually unnoticed. I skateboarded and still romanticized with girls from my old school. During this time I had a few girls try to pursue me, and I even had a brief stint dating the coolest girl in the grade, but I was dumped by her when she was told I wasn't 'cool'. We had nothing in common anyway, so I wasn't hurt by this lost love. I was however hurt by the idea of not being cool. In fact, it hurt too much. This would prove to be pivotal.
Then the beginning of grade 11.
My heart began to flutter like a helicopter seed falling from a tree in the autumn wind. A beautiful girl had caught my eye in the cafeteria. She was a 9er. I was instantly in love.
(Also this year , I had began to get cooler as I started to smoke weed, and it was discovered that I was really good at drawing pictures of people.)
I went home that night and wrote my new target a love letter. The letter to end all letters. I spilled my heart. I told her about her eyes, and her nose, and her mouth. I mentioned how all three clearly enjoyed working with each other because they displayed such a collaborative symmetry. Almost as if they completed each others senses..es. I told her about how she moved. How she slittered and shifted gracefully like a serpent. In fact almost exactly like a serpent.. The letter was in hand writing on 1995 lined paper and placed strategically in her locker, folded with the precision of an oragamyist. Knowing the power of my love letters, I simply sat back confidently awaiting her response.
She liked me to. She told my brother, also a niner that she liked me, and that she would indeed meet with me at the same spot we had first made eye contact. The wheels were in motion, and all I had to do was sit back and wait.
I sat outside the cafeteria, too excited to go to class. 20 minutes before we were to meet something happened. One of the coolest guys in grade 11 had found out about my letter. His younger sister, was friends with a friend of my 'soon to be love' and she had recited a few lines from the poem to him. Like a town cryer, he ran through the school yelling about how I am a 'Fag'. Almost instantly people were pointing and laughing at me. "What a loser" "How could someone write a love letter to a niner?!". I was instantly bombarded and almost beat up. I had to make a decision. Do I keep my coolness or do I fall in love????
Luckily she was a good girl and had gone to geography class that morning and had missed the callings. I waited at our spot in turmoil. She approached again like a serpent, only this time I was going to be the snake. Our eyes remained in tack as she approached. She had the letter in her hand and instantly told me how sweet it was. I stood in silence.
'Yeah, about that letter...
I preceded to slip into darkness. I told her that I had been blinded by the moment, and had not really had time to let my emotions sink in. I did still respect her face's team chemistry, but I couldn't go through with the rest. I told her a grade 9 and grade 11 could never work. I broke it off and we went our separate ways.
The next 3 years of high school were a romantic wash. I couldn't love. But my coolness grew exponentially. University I was even cooler. Every year that has gone by I have become cooler, but have grown less in tack with love.
I made a deal with the devil. Coolness for love. I can become best friends with any guy, no matter how cool her is, almost instantly. At Ohio State my best friends were both on the football team (which to anyone who has been to Ohio knows they are cooler than celebrities)
The worst part of it all is that the guy who ran through the school blabbing about my love letter, ended up dating that girl. In fact he was her first love.
BUT. 11 years later I have finally felt a pulse....like a hand out of the mud.
Tears # 5: you go girl
When the reality TV show 'contests' first came out everyone wanted to know what horrible insult the third judge was going to throw out. People wanted to watch the bad performers get insulted probably because it validated that they too could be a critic. However, as is life, things evolve. Now when I watch the show I prefer to hear the judges congratulate a contestant.
For example.
Conor sits at home and watches 'So you think you can dance'. On TV, Contestant Sarah moves with extreme grace. Her face swells with emotion as her body contorts and floats to the Cello. She lands, she jumps, she flips, she spins, she wins....
The music ends and she takes a moment to compose herself then approaches the front of the stage to be judged clearly emotionally moved by her performance.
Judge number 1: WOW!!! WOW WOW!!!!Girl, SARAH SARAH SARAH you are truly what this competition is all about. You had grace, you have beauty. The way you moved reminded me of a young Jane Rivera. I am, truly moved right now.. Just, just wow.
Sarah: thank you, thank you...
Conor (watching at home): good job Sarah! God you're beautiful. This guy is going to love her as well...
Judge 2: I agree WOW. Sarah you are amazing. The way you maintained your balanced and poise. We have had a lot of dancers today that just move, and where technically sound, but you girl, you made up your own technique. And look at your legs.
Conor: incredible.
Judge 2: They are amazing. Girl, you go!
Conor: (tearing up) you go Sarah! you go!
Conor and Sarah both wait in angst as the 3rd judge (nasty British dance mogul) clears his throat.
Judge 3: Sarah darling. I am going to have to say. I have seen lots of dancer. Some with talent, some with incredible work ethic. And to be honest, you have really left me no choice but to TOTALLY AGREE WITH MY FELLOW JUDGES YOU WHERE EXACTLY WHAT THIS COMPETITION IS ALL ABOUT. A STUNNING BEAUTY AND WOW WHAT A DANCER!
Conor: (fully tearing now) Fuck yeah she is!
Judge 3: I mean really brilliant.
Conor and Sarah both shed tears together.
Judge 3: I hope to see more dancers like you in this competition. I look forward to following your career, because it will be a good one. Great work girl. See you in Vegas.
Conor and Sarah (both wipe tears): Thank you !!!
For example.
Conor sits at home and watches 'So you think you can dance'. On TV, Contestant Sarah moves with extreme grace. Her face swells with emotion as her body contorts and floats to the Cello. She lands, she jumps, she flips, she spins, she wins....
The music ends and she takes a moment to compose herself then approaches the front of the stage to be judged clearly emotionally moved by her performance.
Judge number 1: WOW!!! WOW WOW!!!!Girl, SARAH SARAH SARAH you are truly what this competition is all about. You had grace, you have beauty. The way you moved reminded me of a young Jane Rivera. I am, truly moved right now.. Just, just wow.
Sarah: thank you, thank you...
Conor (watching at home): good job Sarah! God you're beautiful. This guy is going to love her as well...
Judge 2: I agree WOW. Sarah you are amazing. The way you maintained your balanced and poise. We have had a lot of dancers today that just move, and where technically sound, but you girl, you made up your own technique. And look at your legs.
Conor: incredible.
Judge 2: They are amazing. Girl, you go!
Conor: (tearing up) you go Sarah! you go!
Conor and Sarah both wait in angst as the 3rd judge (nasty British dance mogul) clears his throat.
Judge 3: Sarah darling. I am going to have to say. I have seen lots of dancer. Some with talent, some with incredible work ethic. And to be honest, you have really left me no choice but to TOTALLY AGREE WITH MY FELLOW JUDGES YOU WHERE EXACTLY WHAT THIS COMPETITION IS ALL ABOUT. A STUNNING BEAUTY AND WOW WHAT A DANCER!
Conor: (fully tearing now) Fuck yeah she is!
Judge 3: I mean really brilliant.
Conor and Sarah both shed tears together.
Judge 3: I hope to see more dancers like you in this competition. I look forward to following your career, because it will be a good one. Great work girl. See you in Vegas.
Conor and Sarah (both wipe tears): Thank you !!!
Monday, April 6, 2009
Tears #4: Nostalgia
two years ago I sat down to watch 'Transformers the movie' in a small cinema in Barrie. It was exciting enough that this film was going to send me back to my youth, but to do so in an 80's style cinema was truly special. I was a huge fan of the cartoon growing up, particularly the main character Optimus Prime. Other than those very vague years between the ages of 4 and 8 years old I have no other attachment to the transformers world but, nevertheless, it holds a place in my heart. Sitting down to watch this movie, I was most excited about what the robots where going to look like, having already discredited the movies as another blockbuster heartless piece of junk. After all Michael Bay is better at giving his audience seizures than pleasure.
the movie proved to be boring and almost incomprehensible. Halfway through the film, Optimus Prime was unveiled. He steps out and the sound effects and rumbling instantly brought me back to my living room as a child. He spoke one sentence and I began to cry. I was truly overwhelmed with memory as I transformed from tough guy to little kid. The nostalgia was too much to bear.
Nostalgia is a feeling we get when we remember something from our youth. Good nostalgia
(positive memories) is a warm feeling of 'better days'. Even the smell of plastic reminds me of the 1980s because of my array of plastic action heroes growing up.
Optimus Prime was my god. He made sense to me when I was a kid. A robot that saved universes is a total fathomable thing for a child. It makes much more sense than a down on his luck investor who wants to supply for his family. Knowing this about children will help you deal with them greatly. Also knowing this about ourselves, and how powerful nostalgia is, can help us understand each other. We want to go back to a time when it was realistic to be completely unrealistic, because reality was too hard to grasp. As children we go through a time where reality doesn't make sense. It's too hard to comprehend. What makes more sense is the mystical abilities of robots. The stuff we really want to know more about.
It is as if we are introduced to this planet. We experience it and then right away begin questioning our limits. Immediately we are attracted to everything we cannot do. Eventually, we have to come back down to earth (most of us) and live within the boundaries of reality. Many people grow to accept this so much, that they discredit themselves as non creative and decide to ignore children for the rest of their lives.
when we are children we ask questions. Why can't I fly? What is it like on the moon? How can I somehow get a million dollars build a rocket ship and then fly to another dimension?
We follow statistics of superheros. Gambits stamina: 8, agility: 7, creativity 8.5.
Nostalgia is an admittance of a vulnerable time. A time we wish we lived in and are truly sad to have left. whether we were vulnerable or not, we feel vulnerable in retrospect. Probably becuase we learned from that experience. Since we, as humans, secretly admire vulnerability and wish for a return to vulnerability, when we get overwhelmed with nostalgia we cry. It is an excuse to become vulnerable. Thus, I was truly vulnerable to Optimus Prime at the age of 25, because I was truly vulnerable to him at 5. Strawberry shortcake the movie will surely make me ball.
the movie proved to be boring and almost incomprehensible. Halfway through the film, Optimus Prime was unveiled. He steps out and the sound effects and rumbling instantly brought me back to my living room as a child. He spoke one sentence and I began to cry. I was truly overwhelmed with memory as I transformed from tough guy to little kid. The nostalgia was too much to bear.
Nostalgia is a feeling we get when we remember something from our youth. Good nostalgia
(positive memories) is a warm feeling of 'better days'. Even the smell of plastic reminds me of the 1980s because of my array of plastic action heroes growing up.
Optimus Prime was my god. He made sense to me when I was a kid. A robot that saved universes is a total fathomable thing for a child. It makes much more sense than a down on his luck investor who wants to supply for his family. Knowing this about children will help you deal with them greatly. Also knowing this about ourselves, and how powerful nostalgia is, can help us understand each other. We want to go back to a time when it was realistic to be completely unrealistic, because reality was too hard to grasp. As children we go through a time where reality doesn't make sense. It's too hard to comprehend. What makes more sense is the mystical abilities of robots. The stuff we really want to know more about.
It is as if we are introduced to this planet. We experience it and then right away begin questioning our limits. Immediately we are attracted to everything we cannot do. Eventually, we have to come back down to earth (most of us) and live within the boundaries of reality. Many people grow to accept this so much, that they discredit themselves as non creative and decide to ignore children for the rest of their lives.
when we are children we ask questions. Why can't I fly? What is it like on the moon? How can I somehow get a million dollars build a rocket ship and then fly to another dimension?
We follow statistics of superheros. Gambits stamina: 8, agility: 7, creativity 8.5.
Nostalgia is an admittance of a vulnerable time. A time we wish we lived in and are truly sad to have left. whether we were vulnerable or not, we feel vulnerable in retrospect. Probably becuase we learned from that experience. Since we, as humans, secretly admire vulnerability and wish for a return to vulnerability, when we get overwhelmed with nostalgia we cry. It is an excuse to become vulnerable. Thus, I was truly vulnerable to Optimus Prime at the age of 25, because I was truly vulnerable to him at 5. Strawberry shortcake the movie will surely make me ball.
Crying into a Beer
2 years ago I went to London England. I spent 10 days with my best friend and we partied as hard as we could for 10 days straight. Really late nights. Sleeping on an air matress. Rain. I ate poorly, I drank a ton, (indulged in some foreign substances) and didn't work out. By the 10th day, I think it was safe to say my equilibrium was way off. My skin was greasy and bumpy. My face was swollen and fat. My hair was falling out. My belly ached and protruded. I had heart burn and razor burn. My hands were chapped and my teeth hurt. I was a complete mess. On top of this I have a fear of flying and had to wake up for an 8 am flight home. Needless to say I was a complete ulgy inside and out on the tenth day.
It was 530 in the morning and I found myself mixing Kaluha with a 5 dollar coffee as I slopped through customs with my sunglasses on. As if 10 days of madness wasn't enough, I was now drinking before I got on an plane before the sun had come up fully. As I was walking through customs an older couple, who were clearly Canadian made a comment along the lines of "Hey how are you" to me. For no reason other than because of my Canadian ginger hair I presume. I smiled and felt my eyes water up. The couple reminded me of parents. Not my parents, but they possessed a feeling of wanting to nurture me. This projected nurturing feeling made me feel helpless and cared for.
Now, in London people are mean. they don't say hi, they don't let you go ahead in line, and they have no patiences for slow walkers. I, being a slow walker, got kicked (actually kicked) a few times by people behind me in a rush. This Canadina couple walked slower than I did as we passed an Air Canada sign. At this point I began to cry beyond my control. I tried my best to stop the tears. It was similiar to throwing up. I rushed to the bathroom and let out tears in the stall for 5 minutes. At the time, I interpreted it as tears of joy mixed with a weak mental state related to my 10 day binge. I went to the airport bar, face even more swollen, for a few beers.
While sitting in O Neills bar I had 3 beers, put my sunglasses on, and cried for 1 hour straight. I had no idea why I was crying and I couldn't control it. I was going along for the ride. I had no thoughts racing through my head and no desire to stop the tears. I was emitting emotion. I just sat there drinking while my eyes cried. There of course were endomorphins racing through my body, causing euphoria. It felt as if I was cleansing.
I have to call these nurturing tears. I was admitting defeat, but was OK with it and my feelings of nationalism were nurturing me. The friendly moment with the canadian couple made me feel like a 5 year old kid lost at the shopping mall. Defeated by the world, but at the same time boggled to be a part of it. As a Canadian, I was happy to be from a country that had space; had room for me. A place that I knew and could return to and walk slowly.
Tears #3: tears of helplessness: accepting your past and aknowledging an uncertain future.
It was 530 in the morning and I found myself mixing Kaluha with a 5 dollar coffee as I slopped through customs with my sunglasses on. As if 10 days of madness wasn't enough, I was now drinking before I got on an plane before the sun had come up fully. As I was walking through customs an older couple, who were clearly Canadian made a comment along the lines of "Hey how are you" to me. For no reason other than because of my Canadian ginger hair I presume. I smiled and felt my eyes water up. The couple reminded me of parents. Not my parents, but they possessed a feeling of wanting to nurture me. This projected nurturing feeling made me feel helpless and cared for.
Now, in London people are mean. they don't say hi, they don't let you go ahead in line, and they have no patiences for slow walkers. I, being a slow walker, got kicked (actually kicked) a few times by people behind me in a rush. This Canadina couple walked slower than I did as we passed an Air Canada sign. At this point I began to cry beyond my control. I tried my best to stop the tears. It was similiar to throwing up. I rushed to the bathroom and let out tears in the stall for 5 minutes. At the time, I interpreted it as tears of joy mixed with a weak mental state related to my 10 day binge. I went to the airport bar, face even more swollen, for a few beers.
While sitting in O Neills bar I had 3 beers, put my sunglasses on, and cried for 1 hour straight. I had no idea why I was crying and I couldn't control it. I was going along for the ride. I had no thoughts racing through my head and no desire to stop the tears. I was emitting emotion. I just sat there drinking while my eyes cried. There of course were endomorphins racing through my body, causing euphoria. It felt as if I was cleansing.
I have to call these nurturing tears. I was admitting defeat, but was OK with it and my feelings of nationalism were nurturing me. The friendly moment with the canadian couple made me feel like a 5 year old kid lost at the shopping mall. Defeated by the world, but at the same time boggled to be a part of it. As a Canadian, I was happy to be from a country that had space; had room for me. A place that I knew and could return to and walk slowly.
Tears #3: tears of helplessness: accepting your past and aknowledging an uncertain future.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
40 ways to cry : number 1 and 2. Vulnerability and Admiration
I cried 2 times this week. They were amazing experiences.
Vulnerability: true beauty has beautiful intentions.
The first time I cried was on Thursday with my dog at the 'animal hospital'. She is 13 years old, which translates to 91 in dog years, and I had to bring her in because she wasn't moving. She was just lying on her matt, doing her best 'I am hiding the fact that I'm injured because I don't want to draw attention to potential predators and threaten the pack' routine. What made me cry was not the fact that we were discussing the possibility of putting her down. I wasn't sad about her dying. She's old, she's had a great life, it's her time. In fact, at first I was upset with myself that I wasn't crying. "Why aren't I being emotionally effected by this situation?" "I should be crying, fuck, I have no emotions." "I am a robot" I almost went the whole time without crying, but when the doctor asked Maggie (my dog) to step on the scale and she co-operated with zero restraint I began to cry. He simply pointed to the scale and she walked over to it, panting and limping, stood right in the middle of it and waited. It was such an amazing event. Here is an animal showing no fear of death. doing what she knows best; helping the pack.
Looking back I think these were tears triggered by her sense of dependency. She is so dependant on me and the fact that she doesn't talk, all mixed with the moment made her so honourable. She is accepting of life. She trusts me. She loves me. I love her. I was crying, but I wasn't sad. In fact, I think the word sad is a generic word that has put a governor on our emotional perspectives. Like Inuits with 40 different types of snow, there are 40 (at least) different emotions that can make you cry other than sadness. I don't even know the emotion I was experiencing. There is probably a word for it. Here is an animal that acts on it's instincts and wants nothing more than to for me to be happy.
The tears felt amazing, it was a euphoric sensation. A sense of relief and a catalyst for true love and emotion. A release. Not to sound sexual, but almost orgasmic. I was crying, and showing her respect by doing so. I am so lucky that she is still around and that I am allowed to spend everyday with a ball of love like her.
Admiration: embracing strength.
The second time I cried was today. I shed a few tears. I was at the Toronto Raptors basketball game and I met a woman and her two young girls. Her youngest daughter, probably 10 at oldest, is addicted to reading. A cute little bookworm, clearly dressed by her mom, and clearly in her own world. She reads books over and over again, (Twilight 21 times!)and she's reading at a 12th grade level. Her mom was actually concerned about this addiction claiming teachers have to confiscate books because she can't put them down. I, of course, found this to be the coolest thing ever. I told the girl that she looked cute in her 'scarf' and that since her hands where full (with food) that rather than shake hands we should just think about shaking hands and that was enough. about a half hour later the little girl sprinted over to me, put a key chain in my hand, and sprinted away. The key chain said 'Connor' on it and it was a piece of Raptors fanfare. I glanced at her mom, who was across the room, and she mouthed 'You have an admirer'. I watered up and actually shed tears. A few actually. Her actions were so cute. so innocent. And the fact that she was addicted to reading books, made her the perfect person to show me acceptance. It was as if a true literary was telling me I was ok. Someone who spends most of her time lost in science fiction fantasy and made up realities, was expressing kindness in the non-fiction world. she wasn't adhering to the emotional governors that society has blocked us with. The social awkwardness of doing something genuine is a side effect of a comparative environment. Comparison is rooted in displeasure (ANYWAY). She wanted to do something nice and she did. It was so pure and the fact that she was so embarrassed, but would endure all those nerves and risk embarrassment made it an amazing experience. Truly admirable.
Two situations in which crying gave me a sense of closure. In the presences of sincerity one can really enjoy tears. Tears of admiration is one of the best feelings I have experienced. I admire vulnerability. Letting yourself be vulnerable is repressed in today's society, but it is one of the most beautiful things about being human.
This is the intro, to my newest subject. Crying. I will generate 40 different ways to cry that aren't related to the cliche 'SAD'.
40 Types of tears: first 10
Admiration,Trust, vulnerability, innocence, sincerity, honesty, empathy, creativity, humility, resilience.
Vulnerability: true beauty has beautiful intentions.
The first time I cried was on Thursday with my dog at the 'animal hospital'. She is 13 years old, which translates to 91 in dog years, and I had to bring her in because she wasn't moving. She was just lying on her matt, doing her best 'I am hiding the fact that I'm injured because I don't want to draw attention to potential predators and threaten the pack' routine. What made me cry was not the fact that we were discussing the possibility of putting her down. I wasn't sad about her dying. She's old, she's had a great life, it's her time. In fact, at first I was upset with myself that I wasn't crying. "Why aren't I being emotionally effected by this situation?" "I should be crying, fuck, I have no emotions." "I am a robot" I almost went the whole time without crying, but when the doctor asked Maggie (my dog) to step on the scale and she co-operated with zero restraint I began to cry. He simply pointed to the scale and she walked over to it, panting and limping, stood right in the middle of it and waited. It was such an amazing event. Here is an animal showing no fear of death. doing what she knows best; helping the pack.
Looking back I think these were tears triggered by her sense of dependency. She is so dependant on me and the fact that she doesn't talk, all mixed with the moment made her so honourable. She is accepting of life. She trusts me. She loves me. I love her. I was crying, but I wasn't sad. In fact, I think the word sad is a generic word that has put a governor on our emotional perspectives. Like Inuits with 40 different types of snow, there are 40 (at least) different emotions that can make you cry other than sadness. I don't even know the emotion I was experiencing. There is probably a word for it. Here is an animal that acts on it's instincts and wants nothing more than to for me to be happy.
The tears felt amazing, it was a euphoric sensation. A sense of relief and a catalyst for true love and emotion. A release. Not to sound sexual, but almost orgasmic. I was crying, and showing her respect by doing so. I am so lucky that she is still around and that I am allowed to spend everyday with a ball of love like her.
Admiration: embracing strength.
The second time I cried was today. I shed a few tears. I was at the Toronto Raptors basketball game and I met a woman and her two young girls. Her youngest daughter, probably 10 at oldest, is addicted to reading. A cute little bookworm, clearly dressed by her mom, and clearly in her own world. She reads books over and over again, (Twilight 21 times!)and she's reading at a 12th grade level. Her mom was actually concerned about this addiction claiming teachers have to confiscate books because she can't put them down. I, of course, found this to be the coolest thing ever. I told the girl that she looked cute in her 'scarf' and that since her hands where full (with food) that rather than shake hands we should just think about shaking hands and that was enough. about a half hour later the little girl sprinted over to me, put a key chain in my hand, and sprinted away. The key chain said 'Connor' on it and it was a piece of Raptors fanfare. I glanced at her mom, who was across the room, and she mouthed 'You have an admirer'. I watered up and actually shed tears. A few actually. Her actions were so cute. so innocent. And the fact that she was addicted to reading books, made her the perfect person to show me acceptance. It was as if a true literary was telling me I was ok. Someone who spends most of her time lost in science fiction fantasy and made up realities, was expressing kindness in the non-fiction world. she wasn't adhering to the emotional governors that society has blocked us with. The social awkwardness of doing something genuine is a side effect of a comparative environment. Comparison is rooted in displeasure (ANYWAY). She wanted to do something nice and she did. It was so pure and the fact that she was so embarrassed, but would endure all those nerves and risk embarrassment made it an amazing experience. Truly admirable.
Two situations in which crying gave me a sense of closure. In the presences of sincerity one can really enjoy tears. Tears of admiration is one of the best feelings I have experienced. I admire vulnerability. Letting yourself be vulnerable is repressed in today's society, but it is one of the most beautiful things about being human.
This is the intro, to my newest subject. Crying. I will generate 40 different ways to cry that aren't related to the cliche 'SAD'.
40 Types of tears: first 10
Admiration,Trust, vulnerability, innocence, sincerity, honesty, empathy, creativity, humility, resilience.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Top ten pick up lines at the grocery store.
10. looking at meat. 'angus, lean, extra lean,....whoa... ultra super lean, hello'
9. Looking at Salsa: "Mild medium hot, whoah! (to girl)....smoking hot!
8. Referring to your grocery list: 'I have cheese, milk, oh a girl is next.....hey how are you?'
7. In the express line: 'Oh wait, only allowed 8 items, I wonder if that includes potential items like you and I. Cause if so I would like to accompany you to another line if I may.'
6. Walking by: "Never go grocery shopping when you're hungry. for Broads." Hi I'm Conor (might not work)
5. Both eyeing a section, turn, look at her shopping cart and then say, "That's a sweet shopping cart, what year is that?"
4. Approach her after staring. "Sorry for staring. I thought this was the check out line"
3. Walk up to her. 'Excuse me, do you know where the pro...duce..sec...tion......holly molly your eyes are amazing.' hold the gaze.
2. Looking at canned foods: 'Excuse me. I was wondering if you could come help me pick out a soup.'
1. Walk up to her 'Excuse me, do you know where they keep the bread and....like...wholly smokes your lips are amazing.'
9. Looking at Salsa: "Mild medium hot, whoah! (to girl)....smoking hot!
8. Referring to your grocery list: 'I have cheese, milk, oh a girl is next.....hey how are you?'
7. In the express line: 'Oh wait, only allowed 8 items, I wonder if that includes potential items like you and I. Cause if so I would like to accompany you to another line if I may.'
6. Walking by: "Never go grocery shopping when you're hungry. for Broads." Hi I'm Conor (might not work)
5. Both eyeing a section, turn, look at her shopping cart and then say, "That's a sweet shopping cart, what year is that?"
4. Approach her after staring. "Sorry for staring. I thought this was the check out line"
3. Walk up to her. 'Excuse me, do you know where the pro...duce..sec...tion......holly molly your eyes are amazing.' hold the gaze.
2. Looking at canned foods: 'Excuse me. I was wondering if you could come help me pick out a soup.'
1. Walk up to her 'Excuse me, do you know where they keep the bread and....like...wholly smokes your lips are amazing.'
Monday, March 30, 2009
Top ten books with illustrations
1.Richard Scary "Cars and Trucks and Things that Go"
2. "Matthew and the Midnight Tow truck"
3. "Matthew and the Mighnight Turkeys"
4. Dr. Seuss "McElligots Pool"
5. Betrices Potter "Peter Rabbit"
6. Shelly Silverstein "Where the Sidewalk Ends"
7. Judy Blume "Freckle Juice"
8. Lizzy's Lion
9. Robert Munch 'Love you always'
10. Roahl Dahl 'BFG'
2. "Matthew and the Midnight Tow truck"
3. "Matthew and the Mighnight Turkeys"
4. Dr. Seuss "McElligots Pool"
5. Betrices Potter "Peter Rabbit"
6. Shelly Silverstein "Where the Sidewalk Ends"
7. Judy Blume "Freckle Juice"
8. Lizzy's Lion
9. Robert Munch 'Love you always'
10. Roahl Dahl 'BFG'
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Greenwillow Racquet Club
Club message
In order to join in the green movement we have made it our goal
in 2009 to reduce energy. We ask politely that you adhere to a
two towel limit so as to reduce energy associated with drying.
White towel Amnesty -
bringing back the freshness
We are asking our members to bring back their towels.
this is in result to the recent power outage in which our drying machines overheated. due to this we have a limited amount of clean towels. We ask for your patients as we deal with this matter.
We are asking that members bring back any towels they may have brought home. There will be no punishment or judgements passed, as we understand that towels can get mistakenly transported home without the member's knowledge. So help us start fresh. Towel drop offs will be held on tuesday march 7th. Bins will be left outside the front door. Members can drop off theire towels in the bins.
Greenwillow managements wants to thank you for your co-operation. We look forward to a clean and environmentally friendly club experience
In order to join in the green movement we have made it our goal
in 2009 to reduce energy. We ask politely that you adhere to a
two towel limit so as to reduce energy associated with drying.
White towel Amnesty -
bringing back the freshness
We are asking our members to bring back their towels.
this is in result to the recent power outage in which our drying machines overheated. due to this we have a limited amount of clean towels. We ask for your patients as we deal with this matter.
We are asking that members bring back any towels they may have brought home. There will be no punishment or judgements passed, as we understand that towels can get mistakenly transported home without the member's knowledge. So help us start fresh. Towel drop offs will be held on tuesday march 7th. Bins will be left outside the front door. Members can drop off theire towels in the bins.
Greenwillow managements wants to thank you for your co-operation. We look forward to a clean and environmentally friendly club experience
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Greenwillow Racquet Club
Found in the suggestion box
Member complaint by Longo Barlow.
I think we need a ping pong table still. It is a little ridiculous that we have tennis courts, squash courts and we used to have racquet ball courts, but yet we don't have a small little ping pong table. Ping pong is a huge sport with over a billion fans (China). It doesn't take up that much room at all, and will be really cheap. All the kids at the club are saying that they want a table and that they would use it all the time. They have been saying this for a long time now, and basically don't understand why we don't have one. If you're concerned about it not making money, than we should just hire a ping pong coach to charge lessons and the club can take their cut.
This is the 3rd time (at least) I have put in a request for a ping pong table. As you will see, there are a lot more requests just like this one from other people keen on getting a ping pong table as well. One other thing is I am curious if these suggestions are followed through, or do you just take them as mere suggestions only to potentially be influnced by the ones you feel are 'good' suggestions? If so, there should be a discussion on the democracy of this process as it might be worth discussing as a membership. Just to clear the air and answer a question like, "how many suggestions constitute a move to action by management"
So I have two suggestions
1. Better communication, whether written or a 'members meeting', regarding how effective the suggestion box method of finding out what members REALLY want is.
2. Ping Pong table. Again.
Longo
Member complaint by Longo Barlow.
I think we need a ping pong table still. It is a little ridiculous that we have tennis courts, squash courts and we used to have racquet ball courts, but yet we don't have a small little ping pong table. Ping pong is a huge sport with over a billion fans (China). It doesn't take up that much room at all, and will be really cheap. All the kids at the club are saying that they want a table and that they would use it all the time. They have been saying this for a long time now, and basically don't understand why we don't have one. If you're concerned about it not making money, than we should just hire a ping pong coach to charge lessons and the club can take their cut.
This is the 3rd time (at least) I have put in a request for a ping pong table. As you will see, there are a lot more requests just like this one from other people keen on getting a ping pong table as well. One other thing is I am curious if these suggestions are followed through, or do you just take them as mere suggestions only to potentially be influnced by the ones you feel are 'good' suggestions? If so, there should be a discussion on the democracy of this process as it might be worth discussing as a membership. Just to clear the air and answer a question like, "how many suggestions constitute a move to action by management"
So I have two suggestions
1. Better communication, whether written or a 'members meeting', regarding how effective the suggestion box method of finding out what members REALLY want is.
2. Ping Pong table. Again.
Longo
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Coach's schedule
Monday @ 330 -
subject: 10 yr old boy, good athlete- plays all sports
mental theme: spend the hour (1x a week) trying to convince the kid to play more tennis. He has potential so I am constantly giving him lectures on commitment and patience.
actions: punishments, jokes, hitting balls at him intentionally
430-630
subject: group of 12 teenagers all average to moderately advanced.
mental theme: spend majority of the time trying to come across as cool but still strict. Work ethic and commitment are the two themes of just about every practice.
conflicts: not trying, late arrival.
actions: punishments (whole group always), metaphor lectures, comedy routines.
630- 730
subject: Vice Principal at one of the toughest schools in Ontario (Rexdale). Blonde married w/children.
mental theme: quiet often shows up mentally distraught from her day or social life. Spend majority of the time complimenting her (subconsciously) with the over all objective of making her feel successful.
actions: compliments, easy drills, tough love (she can be a strong person)
730-830
subject: a high up sales rep at RIM
mental theme: she is a masochist who hates everyone and everything. Spend the hour just hitting (her weaker stroke) she will find excuses for why life is horrible in everything from ball bounce to water temperature. Spend the hour trying to project positive energy, or at times, agreeing with her horrible outlooks. Agreeing makes her feel better.
actions: silence, laughter, eye rolls.
Coaching tactics
promotion - commitment! keep the young kid interested and keen on tennis
authority - try to inject discipline and motivation into 'too cool' teenagers lives.
confidence building - make the VP feel like she truly is special
all ears and relating - a shoulder to cry on.
Personal assessment: I have commitment issues, I'm so worried about looking cool it effects my life, I need confidence building, and I have no shoulder to cry on.
The coach's life is a hypocrisy
Tennis balls are hit as well.........but rarely is anything really improving.
subject: 10 yr old boy, good athlete- plays all sports
mental theme: spend the hour (1x a week) trying to convince the kid to play more tennis. He has potential so I am constantly giving him lectures on commitment and patience.
actions: punishments, jokes, hitting balls at him intentionally
430-630
subject: group of 12 teenagers all average to moderately advanced.
mental theme: spend majority of the time trying to come across as cool but still strict. Work ethic and commitment are the two themes of just about every practice.
conflicts: not trying, late arrival.
actions: punishments (whole group always), metaphor lectures, comedy routines.
630- 730
subject: Vice Principal at one of the toughest schools in Ontario (Rexdale). Blonde married w/children.
mental theme: quiet often shows up mentally distraught from her day or social life. Spend majority of the time complimenting her (subconsciously) with the over all objective of making her feel successful.
actions: compliments, easy drills, tough love (she can be a strong person)
730-830
subject: a high up sales rep at RIM
mental theme: she is a masochist who hates everyone and everything. Spend the hour just hitting (her weaker stroke) she will find excuses for why life is horrible in everything from ball bounce to water temperature. Spend the hour trying to project positive energy, or at times, agreeing with her horrible outlooks. Agreeing makes her feel better.
actions: silence, laughter, eye rolls.
Coaching tactics
promotion - commitment! keep the young kid interested and keen on tennis
authority - try to inject discipline and motivation into 'too cool' teenagers lives.
confidence building - make the VP feel like she truly is special
all ears and relating - a shoulder to cry on.
Personal assessment: I have commitment issues, I'm so worried about looking cool it effects my life, I need confidence building, and I have no shoulder to cry on.
The coach's life is a hypocrisy
Tennis balls are hit as well.........but rarely is anything really improving.
Friday, February 13, 2009
A 10
10 out of 10
there is a sacred aura about them. Just seeing one is exciting and intriguing. perfect in everyway (at first meeting)
side effects: little birdies flying over your head. Complete speechlessness, silence, tunnel vision, post 10 spotting depression
You do not see 10s everyday.
Unicorns.
BEWARE! Just because you're with a 10 doesn't mean you wouldn't want to get down with an 8 everynow and then.
there is a sacred aura about them. Just seeing one is exciting and intriguing. perfect in everyway (at first meeting)
side effects: little birdies flying over your head. Complete speechlessness, silence, tunnel vision, post 10 spotting depression
You do not see 10s everyday.
Unicorns.
BEWARE! Just because you're with a 10 doesn't mean you wouldn't want to get down with an 8 everynow and then.
Clarity in the dark zone: 7 and 8 analysis
8: really hot, sexy, cute, 'there's something about her', awesome, wicked* - notice personality starts being suggested through adjectives but again a true find. Physically marriable if personality is awesome.
7: pretty, cute, really fun!, smart, kinda hot - creativety in adjectives is lost. No one ever wrote a poem about a 7. (practice girl)
Note: The drop off between an 8 and a 7 is the biggest of all drop offs. All men agree that an 8 is 'sexable' but the line begins to blur with a 7 and quite often the debate can get very heated as some men take a stance on why the 7 is hot and the others think she's 'nothing special'. The discussion of whether a girl is a 7 or 8 can dominate an entire conversation between men, can lead to men emoting their true feelings and philosophies and women, and can also usually tell you more about the guy than the girl.
****Quantum leaps: a 1.5 point increase for being awesome. If a 7 has amazing style, incredbily talented and confident they can actually be a 8.5!. Quatum leaps can happen backwards as well.
THE ETERNAL 7/8 CONTRAVERSY
POVs:
Men who underscore girls (call 8s 7s)
Men who say they won't hook up with a 7 are insecure liars. They are more concerned about their ego. By saying they won't have sex with a 7, as well as constantly under scoring girls (calling obvious 8s 7s), they are trying to project to their buddies that they only have sex with really hot women. The whole compensation theory. This quite often leads to a discussion about that man being arrogant or 'full of shit' and in turn his buddies will forever think he's 'full of it'.
Men who over score (call 7s 8s)
Men who over score women are usually really nice guys. But at the end of the day, if you really grill them, they will conceed that maybe the girl they said was an 8 is more like a 7ish. They tend to have things figured out and appear confident and diplomatic. Glass half full. When single, they might hook up with a 7, but would never date one or call them back. Truly know the art of 'practice' (sounds like Michael was in this category when he was single of course)
* Again awesome factor can turn any 7 into a unagruable 8
7: pretty, cute, really fun!, smart, kinda hot - creativety in adjectives is lost. No one ever wrote a poem about a 7. (practice girl)
Note: The drop off between an 8 and a 7 is the biggest of all drop offs. All men agree that an 8 is 'sexable' but the line begins to blur with a 7 and quite often the debate can get very heated as some men take a stance on why the 7 is hot and the others think she's 'nothing special'. The discussion of whether a girl is a 7 or 8 can dominate an entire conversation between men, can lead to men emoting their true feelings and philosophies and women, and can also usually tell you more about the guy than the girl.
****Quantum leaps: a 1.5 point increase for being awesome. If a 7 has amazing style, incredbily talented and confident they can actually be a 8.5!. Quatum leaps can happen backwards as well.
THE ETERNAL 7/8 CONTRAVERSY
POVs:
Men who underscore girls (call 8s 7s)
Men who say they won't hook up with a 7 are insecure liars. They are more concerned about their ego. By saying they won't have sex with a 7, as well as constantly under scoring girls (calling obvious 8s 7s), they are trying to project to their buddies that they only have sex with really hot women. The whole compensation theory. This quite often leads to a discussion about that man being arrogant or 'full of shit' and in turn his buddies will forever think he's 'full of it'.
Men who over score (call 7s 8s)
Men who over score women are usually really nice guys. But at the end of the day, if you really grill them, they will conceed that maybe the girl they said was an 8 is more like a 7ish. They tend to have things figured out and appear confident and diplomatic. Glass half full. When single, they might hook up with a 7, but would never date one or call them back. Truly know the art of 'practice' (sounds like Michael was in this category when he was single of course)
* Again awesome factor can turn any 7 into a unagruable 8
Thursday, February 12, 2009
GIRL RATING
girl's #/10: adjective/description - reality
10: perfect, 10/10, disgustingly perfect, fucking (insert creative adjective here), flawless, dream girl, delicious, 'depressing how hot she is'- guys will never try to hook up other guys with 10s because it is an insult to even suggest to them that they have trouble finding men.
9: stunning, goregous, super hot, awesome, exotic, banging, smoking - again rarely have trouble with guys. If they do they would never agree to a blind date.
8: really hot, sexy, cute, 'there's something about her', awesome, wicked* - notice personality starts being suggested through adjectives but again a true find. Physically marriable if personality is awesome.
7: pretty, cute, really fun!, smart, kinda hot - creativety in adjectives is lost. No one ever wrote a poem about a 7. (practice girl)
6.5: 'cleans up nice'
6: bangable, kinda cute, "I could see how someone would", petite - very industrial description (goverment workers)
5: average, nice smile, really smart- under the radar, but the greatest people you'd ever meet.
4: homely, great - not only unattractive physically, but bitter and angry as well
3: dirty - drug addict, teeth missing, overweight, and angry- completely self destructive
2: unfortunate- maybe doesn't have all her limbs, diseases, has a serious physical ailement.
1: gross, unfortunate, not her fault - stays indoors
10: perfect, 10/10, disgustingly perfect, fucking (insert creative adjective here), flawless, dream girl, delicious, 'depressing how hot she is'- guys will never try to hook up other guys with 10s because it is an insult to even suggest to them that they have trouble finding men.
9: stunning, goregous, super hot, awesome, exotic, banging, smoking - again rarely have trouble with guys. If they do they would never agree to a blind date.
8: really hot, sexy, cute, 'there's something about her', awesome, wicked* - notice personality starts being suggested through adjectives but again a true find. Physically marriable if personality is awesome.
7: pretty, cute, really fun!, smart, kinda hot - creativety in adjectives is lost. No one ever wrote a poem about a 7. (practice girl)
6.5: 'cleans up nice'
6: bangable, kinda cute, "I could see how someone would", petite - very industrial description (goverment workers)
5: average, nice smile, really smart- under the radar, but the greatest people you'd ever meet.
4: homely, great - not only unattractive physically, but bitter and angry as well
3: dirty - drug addict, teeth missing, overweight, and angry- completely self destructive
2: unfortunate- maybe doesn't have all her limbs, diseases, has a serious physical ailement.
1: gross, unfortunate, not her fault - stays indoors
Monday, February 9, 2009
Sunday, February 8, 2009
short story
Fred G lost his ability to sit cross legged after a serious groin injury during tether ball.
He went through 3 months of rehab and physio and is now finally able to cross his left leg over his right. However, from the doctor's assesment it looks like he will never be able to cross right leg over left ever again.
His injury has not affected his tether ball whatsoever.
so no excuse there Fred G.
He went through 3 months of rehab and physio and is now finally able to cross his left leg over his right. However, from the doctor's assesment it looks like he will never be able to cross right leg over left ever again.
His injury has not affected his tether ball whatsoever.
so no excuse there Fred G.
If a black fan cheers for the only black hockey player on the ice for no reason other than because he is black, is that racist?
If a Rotti place refuses to make their rottis as spicy for white people as they do for black people, is that racist?
It's not racist to call an Australian an 'Aussie', or a british person a 'Brit' , but it is racist to call an aboriginal an 'abo'....why?
If a Rotti place refuses to make their rottis as spicy for white people as they do for black people, is that racist?
It's not racist to call an Australian an 'Aussie', or a british person a 'Brit' , but it is racist to call an aboriginal an 'abo'....why?
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Mandarin
Conor and Tony walk the buffet lines at Mandarin filling their plates.
All of a sudden a stream of Chinese servers emerge from the kitchen lead by one with a slice of cake and a sparkling sparkler. They trail off into a back area clapping and singing happy birthday.
Conor looks at Tony.
Conor: Another person's birthday. How does that make you feel?
Tony: There's always someone else at the restaurant celebrating their birthday on the same day as mine. I'm used to it.
Just then another 'birthday line' leaves the kitchen. And another and another. All shooting off into other directions. Happy birthday songs fills the restaurant. Clapping, singing, sparkling, and laughter fill the air.
Tony: (speaking up) Now I feel like a loser.
Conor: Happy birthday man.
They head back to thier table as another 'birthday line' shoots out of the kitchen and almost bumps into them.
All of a sudden a stream of Chinese servers emerge from the kitchen lead by one with a slice of cake and a sparkling sparkler. They trail off into a back area clapping and singing happy birthday.
Conor looks at Tony.
Conor: Another person's birthday. How does that make you feel?
Tony: There's always someone else at the restaurant celebrating their birthday on the same day as mine. I'm used to it.
Just then another 'birthday line' leaves the kitchen. And another and another. All shooting off into other directions. Happy birthday songs fills the restaurant. Clapping, singing, sparkling, and laughter fill the air.
Tony: (speaking up) Now I feel like a loser.
Conor: Happy birthday man.
They head back to thier table as another 'birthday line' shoots out of the kitchen and almost bumps into them.
Dog walk
Sash walks in front of his dog MAGGIE. Maggie stops to sniff the ground and drops into a squat. She relieves herself #2.
Sash searches his pockets and pulls out a small napkin. He rejectfully puts it back in his pocket. He thinks.
Sash moves snow from around the 'waste pile' and packs it around it like an igloo. Eventually the pile is covered in snow. He then picks up the whole snow/waste pile and lightly shapes it into a large snow ball.
He keeps walking with giant snowball in hand.
Sash searches his pockets and pulls out a small napkin. He rejectfully puts it back in his pocket. He thinks.
Sash moves snow from around the 'waste pile' and packs it around it like an igloo. Eventually the pile is covered in snow. He then picks up the whole snow/waste pile and lightly shapes it into a large snow ball.
He keeps walking with giant snowball in hand.
Friday, February 6, 2009
short stories
I have swollen wisdom teeth
they ache so I take Tylenol 3s
The cracking sound from when they were pushed out of my mouth still
resonates through my head.
It sounds like an apple is being crunched inside my face.
I start to hum so as to drowned out the sound.
I pop 5 more T3s.
My head starts to vibrate.
I turn on the tv.
Food network.
the volume is so low that I all I can hear is the steady tone of the
female chefs pleasant voice. Her voice is a steady humm...
I turn the lights off.
The TV has a fuzzy glow as my eyes try to adapt to it
Everything buzzes....
they ache so I take Tylenol 3s
The cracking sound from when they were pushed out of my mouth still
resonates through my head.
It sounds like an apple is being crunched inside my face.
I start to hum so as to drowned out the sound.
I pop 5 more T3s.
My head starts to vibrate.
I turn on the tv.
Food network.
the volume is so low that I all I can hear is the steady tone of the
female chefs pleasant voice. Her voice is a steady humm...
I turn the lights off.
The TV has a fuzzy glow as my eyes try to adapt to it
Everything buzzes....
Roommate
Conor sits on the couch at home watching basketball and eating take out. Ryan, Conor's new roommate, approaches.
Ryan: Hey what time did Dillon have the coffee maker set for?
Conor: I don't think he did.
Ryan: I'm gonna set it for 9:45 am.
Conor: Oh, so what you actually can just wake up and the coffee will be brewed for you for 9:45?
Ryan: (laughs) yep.
Conor: (laughing and intrigued) that's awesome. And you know how to set it up, what, you just get it all ready the night before?
Ryan: Pretty much. What time do you wake up?
Conor: I would say by the time I walk down the stairs in the morning it's 8:15.
Ryan: 8:15 it is. I'll set it for you.
Conor: That's amazing man. Thanks.
Ryan: No worries man.
Ryan exits to the kitchen. Conor cleans up his mess, walks to the coat rack and starts to put on his coat. Conor looks at his dog Maggie passed out.
Conor: Maggie hasn't been out yet has she?
Maggie's ears light up
Ryan: I'll take her later.
Conor: Really, cause I could just take her right now before I go out.
Ryan: Whatever, I can take her later, or you could just take her right now.
Conor: Yeah, OK, take her later than, sounds good. She looks comfortable right now.
Maggie is passed out cold. Conor puts down the leash and then puts his coat fully on.
Conor: Ok, well I'm going out I'll see you later. Gotta go see Andrea.
Ryan: No doubt man. Good luck with that.
Conor: Peace brother. Hey do you have any condoms?
Ryan: I have a whole box. Top drawer of the cabinet with the lamp on it. My room. I can't stand condoms so take what you need.
Conor: Wow. Amazing.
Ryan: Rather just roll the dice.
Conor: Why not. K, I'm gone. Peace man
Ryan: Easy bro.
Conor: You can get me on my cell.
Ryan: no doubt.
Conor exits.
Ryan: Hey what time did Dillon have the coffee maker set for?
Conor: I don't think he did.
Ryan: I'm gonna set it for 9:45 am.
Conor: Oh, so what you actually can just wake up and the coffee will be brewed for you for 9:45?
Ryan: (laughs) yep.
Conor: (laughing and intrigued) that's awesome. And you know how to set it up, what, you just get it all ready the night before?
Ryan: Pretty much. What time do you wake up?
Conor: I would say by the time I walk down the stairs in the morning it's 8:15.
Ryan: 8:15 it is. I'll set it for you.
Conor: That's amazing man. Thanks.
Ryan: No worries man.
Ryan exits to the kitchen. Conor cleans up his mess, walks to the coat rack and starts to put on his coat. Conor looks at his dog Maggie passed out.
Conor: Maggie hasn't been out yet has she?
Maggie's ears light up
Ryan: I'll take her later.
Conor: Really, cause I could just take her right now before I go out.
Ryan: Whatever, I can take her later, or you could just take her right now.
Conor: Yeah, OK, take her later than, sounds good. She looks comfortable right now.
Maggie is passed out cold. Conor puts down the leash and then puts his coat fully on.
Conor: Ok, well I'm going out I'll see you later. Gotta go see Andrea.
Ryan: No doubt man. Good luck with that.
Conor: Peace brother. Hey do you have any condoms?
Ryan: I have a whole box. Top drawer of the cabinet with the lamp on it. My room. I can't stand condoms so take what you need.
Conor: Wow. Amazing.
Ryan: Rather just roll the dice.
Conor: Why not. K, I'm gone. Peace man
Ryan: Easy bro.
Conor: You can get me on my cell.
Ryan: no doubt.
Conor exits.
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