the moment my heart stopped working

I used to be the most romantic kid in the whole world. From grade 1- 11 I always had a beautiful girlfriend or love interest. I would march right up to girls and tell them how beautiful they were and then we would become lovers. To express my love I would use scented magic markers to draw caricatures of them that not only smelled like them but also accentuated their strengths. My favorite where the girls with black hair, because it gave me an excuse to indulge in my black licorice marker.

I would always let girls know how they made me feel and just how vulnerable I was to their magic. In fact, if I liked a girl older and completely out of my league I would still pursue her. My methods were poems and kind gestures. Vulnerability and creativity; the deadliest combo.

When I turned 16 something happened; I lost my ability to love. For the next 10 years I was still able to engage in meaningless sexcapades (although few and far between), some worthy of memory, but many that were unfullfilling and with partners that didn't rival the ones I had in the past. At 16 things went cold.

As the oldest born, I was first to transfer out of private elementary school into a public high school. Needless to say this wasn't an easy experience. In fact, for grade 9 and 10 I went by virtually unnoticed. I skateboarded and still romanticized with girls from my old school. During this time I had a few girls try to pursue me, and I even had a brief stint dating the coolest girl in the grade, but I was dumped by her when she was told I wasn't 'cool'. We had nothing in common anyway, so I wasn't hurt by this lost love. I was however hurt by the idea of not being cool. In fact, it hurt too much. This would prove to be pivotal.

Then the beginning of grade 11.

My heart began to flutter like a helicopter seed falling from a tree in the autumn wind. A beautiful girl had caught my eye in the cafeteria. She was a 9er. I was instantly in love.

(Also this year , I had began to get cooler as I started to smoke weed, and it was discovered that I was really good at drawing pictures of people.)

I went home that night and wrote my new target a love letter. The letter to end all letters. I spilled my heart. I told her about her eyes, and her nose, and her mouth. I mentioned how all three clearly enjoyed working with each other because they displayed such a collaborative symmetry. Almost as if they completed each others senses..es. I told her about how she moved. How she slittered and shifted gracefully like a serpent. In fact almost exactly like a serpent.. The letter was in hand writing on 1995 lined paper and placed strategically in her locker, folded with the precision of an oragamyist. Knowing the power of my love letters, I simply sat back confidently awaiting her response.


She liked me to. She told my brother, also a niner that she liked me, and that she would indeed meet with me at the same spot we had first made eye contact. The wheels were in motion, and all I had to do was sit back and wait.

I sat outside the cafeteria, too excited to go to class. 20 minutes before we were to meet something happened. One of the coolest guys in grade 11 had found out about my letter. His younger sister, was friends with a friend of my 'soon to be love' and she had recited a few lines from the poem to him. Like a town cryer, he ran through the school yelling about how I am a 'Fag'. Almost instantly people were pointing and laughing at me. "What a loser" "How could someone write a love letter to a niner?!". I was instantly bombarded and almost beat up. I had to make a decision. Do I keep my coolness or do I fall in love????

Luckily she was a good girl and had gone to geography class that morning and had missed the callings. I waited at our spot in turmoil. She approached again like a serpent, only this time I was going to be the snake. Our eyes remained in tack as she approached. She had the letter in her hand and instantly told me how sweet it was. I stood in silence.

'Yeah, about that letter...

I preceded to slip into darkness. I told her that I had been blinded by the moment, and had not really had time to let my emotions sink in. I did still respect her face's team chemistry, but I couldn't go through with the rest. I told her a grade 9 and grade 11 could never work. I broke it off and we went our separate ways.

The next 3 years of high school were a romantic wash. I couldn't love. But my coolness grew exponentially. University I was even cooler. Every year that has gone by I have become cooler, but have grown less in tack with love.

I made a deal with the devil. Coolness for love. I can become best friends with any guy, no matter how cool her is, almost instantly. At Ohio State my best friends were both on the football team (which to anyone who has been to Ohio knows they are cooler than celebrities)

The worst part of it all is that the guy who ran through the school blabbing about my love letter, ended up dating that girl. In fact he was her first love.

BUT. 11 years later I have finally felt a pulse....like a hand out of the mud.