Theraputic Diary blog

Just finished my graduate show from Second City. Still have a throbbing headache from the music, heat of the theatre, emotions, lights, and talking. I had to get home. To be honest, I feel the show went well. Everyone in my group did the best show they have ever done. I also feel it was my best show. But I have learned that this is not the type of thing in life that make me happy. I don't mean working with others. I love my group and it was amazing working with them and I am so happy it went well. What I'm saying is I'm not interested in the fact that it was our best show. I don't get joy out of the result, I get it out of the process. This is not a choice, it's more of a curse. It's being in the scene. writing something, or playing of the sport where I am genuinely interested and excited. When the product is done and I go look back at it I get a headache. If I am creating, writing, trying to do something I'm happy. When I reflect or celebrate, I feel, wierd. It's kinda scary.

I am almost doomed to self distaste. This is not to say I dislike myself. I don't dislike myself. I like who I am and what I am pursuing. As an artist, or writer, or athlete, or whatever I am I always question my work and ability. Also my taste in art is constantly changing. By art I mean life choices. Music, fashion, tv, film, food, hairstyle, sports, moods, coffe brands, facebook status, screen savers, and anything else where creativity is an option.
I am also a hardcore work-a-holic. When I was a tennis player I would have to hit a ton of serves everyday and do fitness everyday because if I didn't, I would feel like I didn't deserve to win. I would have a voice in the back of my head saying, "You're not doing enough. Go hit more balls, or you will lose. "On top of that, I was always obsessed with trying to change the look of my technique. this voice stays there, it's just the topic that changes.

These thought patterns aren't healthy together.

With film, as soon as I finish something I feel like I could have done it better. So much so, to the point where as soon as I'm done something it is my sheer goal to get as far away from it as soon as possible so I don't think about it. Crazy.

I perfer the art direction part of everything I do the most. I think that's because it allows me to express myself without using my actual self. I find the most modesty and connection with this aspect of art. Colours and silences. Using a colour palet to tell a story is the most universal. If a film can be watched without the dialogue (not the sound) it is a film worth watching. As I continue to write and try to make film I want to branch out to some romantic colour silence stuff. I don't know exactly what that is yet. I feel it involves heavy film grain, wet sidewalks, and flourescent pastels (if those even exist)

When I get great news, I immediately start to try to find reasons why the news is not so great. If something goes well, I don't want to talk about it and I feel like watching tv to celebrate. That is my idea of celebrating something exciting these days. Watch football and do some stretching. This sounds healthier than partying, but I can't help but think this isn't healthy. My social life art form has gone to shit. Expand on social life being some peoples choice of art.

relcusive is unhealthy.


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